DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?
Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.
My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.
I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.
Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?
Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.
I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!
Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.
ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!
Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!
Cheers from a battered feeling Dools
The black dog started snarling for a while earlier on this afternoon. I soon realised it is because my back did not enjoy the bit of housework I did at all and I was in quite some pain, so I have been to have a snooze to rest my back. The black dog has wandered off for a while.
I went out into the sun, was going to go for a walk, but the pain was too much f an issue so I went to check on the sheep and took them some kitchen scraps. The farmer told me I can also feed them a little bread as a treat now and then.
One of the sheep especially loves the bread and followed me around for a while once all the bread was gone. I did try them with carrots, but they didn't seem too interested in chomping on whole carrots, so I chucked them over the fence for the horses to find.
Mum and Dad have gone home now. Dad was in a lot of pain with a sore shoulder when he left, so I telephoned them both to see how they are. They have decided to start a jigsaw puzzle themselves.
Hope you are doing okay Grandy!
Cheers all from Dools
Hi Mrs D
Getting out of our own heads an be quite good. It seems like you have a good relationship with your parents too.
Wel done on keeping on top of your studies. I hope your able to keep balancing it all out.
Im sorry your pain flared up from the housework though. Has it eased abit today?
Ilike puzzles but i generally just do them on my phone. Im not a fan of the pizzle pieces scatterred everywhere.
Gentle hugs xoxo
Im sorry that your back doesn't like you doing housework, I hope it eases off for you..I'm wondering are you still going to the pain clinic, and is it or did it help at all?
Your place sounds really lovely,. I miss the cows across the road, the other day there was 6 sheep in there escapees from another property around here somewhere. I enjoyed watching them, but I didn't feed them,,I didn't know they liked bread...if they escape again and end up across the road I will try to give them some....early evening yesterday was a huge family of kangaroos grazing across the road...
The black dog is very persistent, but we need to be stronger then it...and we are most times...We just got to keep trying.and Dools I know you can do it...
I sat in the sun for a couple of hours today..My daughter in law bought me this thing called 3D diamond painting a couple of Christmases ago, I started it today , its a picture of a tiger coming down the mountain, the tiger is "coloured in" by teeny weeny little gems...I don't know if I will ever finish, but I can try...there's thousands of these tiny different coloured gems...if you've ever done long stitch, it's the same layout with a printed and numbered canvas..
Have a good night everyone and I hope tomorrow is good for you all.
Thanks for the post. Maybe my relationship with my parents is better than I sometimes think it is. I do count to 10 a few times before I say something! Ha. Ha.
My back is still playing up. I have a couple of appointments to attend to day from one end of the city to the other and 5 hours apart, still haven't decided how to spend the time in-between. Might depend a little on the weather, if it is nice I will go for a walk somewhere.
Woke up feeling like I just want to cancel the appointments, but that is just my negative thinking, so I need to deal with that.
Hope you have a good day! Cheers from Dools
Hi SN and Grandy,
Most of my day was lovely.
I didn't do too well at the psychologist though, walked out in tears after only about 10 minutes and left.
If I was able to think "Happy Thoughts" 24 hours a day 7 days a week I would be doing that already!
I also saw the pain clinic co-ordinator, she has made me an appointment for 3 weeks time to see a pain specialist Dr so will see what he has to say. She also told me I need to get my depression under control.
I'll go looking under toadstools tomorrow to see if the fairies have left any wands there I can use to make the depression disappear or I might find some "magic happiness" fairy dust!
Maybe I will just put on a fairy costume, dance around the toadstools, dry and smoke a few (toadstools not fairies) and then I will be happy! Hey. There you go! I have found the answer. Why didn't I think of that earlier!
WARNING: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME AS THE FAIRIES DON'T LIKE YOU PICKING THEIR TOADSTOOLS AND THEY ARE PROBABLY POINSONOUS...NOT THE FAIRIES BUT THE TOADSTOOLS.
I think I have almost totally lost any semblance to normality temporarily. Where are those men with white coats and the padded van?
Cheers from a ticked off Dools
Hi Mrs D,
it doesnt sound like your session went all that well. can i ask if your psychologist helped you through, or call you after you had left? they do have a duty of care to help you through that sort of thing.
ive walked out once before but once had talked me into coming back and one i was so upset i was frozen and couldnt leave at all so i can empathise with you on that level. do you think it would be worth speaking to your psychologist about that session?
Did you want to share whats been happening for you and perhaps we could help you abit?
No the psychologist does not chase me up in any way. This is not the first time I have run out of the room! There are no phone calls. No check up at all. No communication. After I ran out previously, neither of us mentioned it at the next session. I do not have another appointment booked and doubt I will be calling for one.
I felt like my buttons were being pushed too much and I imploded. I didn't have the answers to the questions I was being asked. I was told over and over that I need to make an effort, that I need to think happy thoughts, that negativity will get me no where.
I had no responses to give when asked what my hopes and dreams are, what success looks like to me, what I could do to add happiness to my life. I don't have a clue about any of that when I am horrendously depressed and growing increasingly more withdrawn and stressed like I was at the appointment.
Now I am back to where I was, trying to deal with this hideous illness by myself.
I doubt I will be contacting that psychologist ever again.
Thanks for caring SN! Cheers from Dools