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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

1,905 Replies 1,905

Blue, sorry your LM had a bad night. Depression would easily set in during those times, plus the worry, while you are away at work, not to mention the obvious, lack of sleep.

Life can be so hard. You really don’t t know what is going on in people’s lives, when you superficially pass them each day.

Yes Blue, bitten by the old Theology bug. Living what you preach seems more outdated than the theology, unfortunately. Change is slower in some areas, especially when they are right. I guess that kind of attitude doesn’t need to change. Anyway, it’s done now, or at least, I am.

I had a specialist appointment yesterday, much better than the last. A change in meds, physio, then possibly surgery, but nor for some time. Sometimes, just getting things moving is helpful, being heard. Pain being taken seriously is helpful.

Oh, still in the frosty mornings and window clearing.❄️❄️ We are past the halfway mark now. Signs of spring should be popping up everywhere. That’s helpful and hopeful. 🌸🌹🌺

Leaving a nice warm hotty Blue. A warm coffee, and the warmest wishes. Take care.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue and Wilma~

All I can do is sympathize. Blue I hope your LM is better and you got some rest. It is incredibly worrying when the one you love has physical downturns when already fragile. I'm sure however you give him better than he could possibly hope for in every way.

Plus having puffballs bouncing around would cheer anyone.

I hope you can work something out with your house problems. Can you Telehealth for a different script?

Wilma, I am trusty sorry your church has no heart. If it is any consolation people have come right here to this form having been ostracized for having a kidney transplant, for being gay, for -well unfortunately the list goes on.

Nobody could read your posts and know you do not have a good heart and deserve better. Although I left religion in my teens I don't know if I was right - I have no path to wisdom. If you beleive in a god, then that is between you and god, not though a pack of bigots standing in the way.

I'm please to hear the specialist visit was a little more hopeful.

I'm leaving you each a cup (lukewarm) of Caterer's Blend™, ️, it will help lend you perspective 🙂

Croix

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue and Wilma~

I hope you are both OK,

You have been silent since my offer of a cup of java, probably too horrified to speak. OK, OK how about Hacienda La Esmeralda served with while linen in antique Spode at 185° (unless you take cream of course)?

Croix

Wilma1
Community Member

Croix, lol. At the moment, any coffee is fine.

Going through a dry spell. Lights are out etc. very much appreciate your understanding in your previous post, just processing the situation, which my brain is struggling to process. Nothing is adding up. The fog will eventually clear. People saying one thing, then doing the opposite creates chaos. Anyway, I’ve never understood the human race. Stick with animals is my motto.

Leaving a coffee for you Croix️ And one for Blue.

Thanks, Wilma. It wasn't even one of his worse turns, but everything just hit me and lack of sleep made it rather worse.

That's true. Best not to make assumptions, really.

I understand. From the days when Mum used to drag me to church I definitely sensed a lot of people wanted to look pious from the outside and were really just self-righteous pricks. Pity for the handful that were genuine, really. You deserve better treatment than you got, I don't think I could put it better than Croix did - I emphatically agree.

Really glad to hear you've made some headway with a specialist. You're right, it is important to have your pain taken seriously, and to be heard. Doctors are often surprisingly poor at that. Hoping for improvement for your situation.

Yep, still good and frosty. There are more wattles flowering, though, and some almond trees are starting to join in. Bring on Spring.

Hotty is always welcome. Leaving a cup of tea this time Wilma, as much as I wanted to make coffee, it's not the best idea right before bed. Kind thoughts to you and your loyal companion.

Hey there Croix,

Yes, he is doing better, and I got some rest the following day. It is worrying when these things happen. Even though I know it wasn't a serious turn - this one was a fairly normal occurrence with him - no decent person wants to see their partner suffer. I do the best I can for him. According to how he responds to me, I'm doing something right.

Puffballs definitely provide good cheer. Sir Pecks is on the back of my chair now, having an enthusiastic sing (*tweet tweet tweet, SKRAARK!*).

Some progress with the house problems, my partner's dad has got the taps and the back door working properly again. Heaps more to do, but having some basic things functioning again makes a difference to our mental space and ability to tackle other stuff.

Telehealth is probably an option. Admittedly if there's one job I loathe and procrastinate with more than any other, it's making phone calls. Hate 'em. I'll get to it eventually.

Sorry to have worried you, just haven't had the focus to manage having someone over fixing things around work and all the extra clutter in the place as we get my partner's things moved in has really given me sensory overload. It's been hard to sit quiet and do stuff like answer messages with my tranquil space filling up with stuff.

I won't lie, that Caterer's Blend sounds pretty gnarly. I'll happily take you up on the Hacienda La Esmeralda, though. 😉

Blue.

Blue, fitting your partners stuff into your place will take time, it’s another one of life’s stresses, that you just don’t need,

I don’t know if you are on a long work stretch, but if you are, I hope it’s going ok enough.

I had a giggle at you pious pricks Blue, I call them spiritual snobs. But they are welcome to their pretend world, mine is too real for them . I just hope I stand beside one or two in heaven, that I really will enjoy. And it would really get up their nose.

Anyway, now I know. Time to move on.

I have a physio appointment this afternoon. I was expecting to wait months, so I’m very surprised. Things are moving.

Its very early. We have a thick white frost outside at the moment. A cold start, but sunny days follow.

I think I saw a high heading your way on the weather map. I hope so. One more month, and it’s spring. I hope the wattle and almond blossom are looking hopeful.

Leaving a coffee Blue ️ Heading to the kettle for my second.

Yeah, I'm not enjoying that part of it. Had planned to tackle some of the clutter over the last few days but no, sprained my damn thumb and have barely been able to dress myself let alone do that. Now the long stretch is about to begin, I can expect another two weeks before I get another crack at it, and the mess will just sit there making me very damn unhappy.

Spiritual snobs also works. They do seem to live in a pretend world, don't they? In any case, only worth bringing people into your life that add value to it. Leave out the ones that don't, they're not worth your time.

Glad to hear about the physio, a pleasant surprise that things are moving somewhat more quickly this time.

Yes, frosty mornings, warmer days. Got to see some sun today and sit out in it. More wattles and almonds flowering every day, a few cherry trees now, too. Spring isn't too far away.

Thanks Wilma, coffee is always welcome. Sending an electric blanket your way, great little inventions, those.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Blue, plus a wave to Wilma (incidentally I thought you swore off posting til the 30th, maybe I misunderstood, nice to see you anyway)~

Blue you were talking of the problem about gettng your LM's effects sorted due to your thumb and your unhappiness with you not being able to fix it all. That reminded me of something.

Due to my physical limitations my partner does more of the physical things around the house. For example the wood fire that Sumo Cat and I enjoy every evening is down to her, lugging in the logs. There are many things like that.

It is difficult not to feel guilt at times, even trying to present her with a welcome morning cuppa (yes you can probably guess which brand:) when she is still in bed can leave a trail of spilled coffee on the floor needing to be wiped.

I'm not pretending I'm helpless or have no strengths, plus there are some things I assist with she cannot do (mail merge is an example) nevertheless guilt can creep in, unjustified as usual.

The one thing that wipe it away is the smile that breaks out when she comes home and sees me or vice versa. That wipes away all thoughts except "she is glad to see me".

A wonderful cure for guilt.

Perhaps I'm being presumptuous or misunderstand the situation but I wonder if your LM, who can be ill and not 100% may feel somethng akin to me at times.

So I thought I'd mention the cure just in case. (I'd expect you know it already.)

Just as a passing thought - difficulty dressing may have an up-side on occasions.

Wilma: I wonder if you will be granted your wish and stand beside those empty cruel people in heaven, it may be their places are not as assured as you assume.

Croix

Hey there Croix,

It does sound like you have a similar dynamic in your household to that which is in mine. There are things each of us can do, and things one or the other can't. My unhappiness with my thumb (which I have now supplemented with back and knee pain, having tripped over a bloody power cord) is largely because I can't stand clutter and I want it put away. He doesn't like it either, but is a lot less able to fix it.

You're right that he does get to feeling guilty, and often needs reminding I don't see him as a burden. You're also right that coming home to him and feeling wanted and welcome does a lot to resolve whatever frustrations we may have.

I couldn't help but chuckle at your perspective on getting dressed. Quite true. 🙂

Blue.