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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

1,905 Replies 1,905

Hi Blue.

Glad you finally found some time to get together with your partner. I guess I can understand his concern at learning that you were going onto medication. After all I was very anti-meds before as well, but in the end I gave in to them also. They definitely have their place, and I am learning to accept that now. I suppose your OH could think that the meds may change you somehow, make you into a different person. He obviously loves who you are now. And I'm sure he will love the improved version of you once you get everything back on track in your own mind. Certainly it sounds as though he is being very understanding and supportive, so that must be very encouraging for you.

So now you have the weekend off? What do you plan to do, other than have a damned good rest? Maybe some sleep in's on these cold mornings? Has your OH got the weekend off also? If so, perhaps even breakfast in bed as a special treat? Although I've never been a fan of that really - I hate crumbs in the bed! (-:

Oh well, I'm sure Mr Feisty and Sir Pecksalot will enjoy having you home with them. Hope they shower you with love and gentle pecks. And hold off on the pooping on heads or beds!

I also hope that you can build on this small victory with your work shift. Hopefully its just the first in a string of further victories. And with the support of meds while you need it, and your supportive OH, things are definitely looking up. Noisy neighbour? Nah, that can wait.

Enjoy your break over the weekend. Hugs and kind thoughts to you.

Sherie xx

I've always understood that medication has its place, but I also consider it a last resort. For a while I thought I could pull through without it, then my stresses multiplied again. I can only do so much, when my fight is internal as well as external.

As you say, my other half was concerned it wouldn't just be my negative emotions muted through the use of medication. I did discuss my decision to take it with him, before I went to the doctor about it, though, and he didn't hesitate to give me his support. He knows I've tried everything else, and don't see it as a cure-all. Ultimately, he wants me to get past the crap I'm going through as much as I do.

Yes, we both have the week-end off. The birds will get to enjoy his company as well. Dunno about having it in bed, but he often makes pancakes for breakfast when he stays over. He's great in the kitchen. 🙂

It's been another long day and I'm still pretty tired, but looking forward to the week-end. Hope you're doing better. Is hubby's infection healing up okay?

Blue.

Hey Bluguru

I just got back on line....and read your last post..by accident of course:-) I agree with you that meds are a last resort...no worries there. I was a hero and refused meds from 1983 to 1995.....whoops!

I was being a 'hero' and did more damage by not taking them. (at the time GAD)..I am convinced now that not taking the meds can leave 'scarring' where brain chemistry is concerned. Depending on the anxiety/depression levels of course.

Thankyou for asking about my dad...It means a lot to me xx

Hi Blue,

I liken the meds to a cast. The cast doesn't heal the break, it just stabilises it so the body can heal. The meds stabilise the emotions so you can work on healing techniques.

Thinking of you,

Carol

blondguy
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Love your Logic Carol

Good1x

I understand the hero complex, Paul. I have relied very heavily on my own strength and still think I have more of it than most, but even I can only hold up for so long under the constant barrage of crap. Even now I'm on it and it's of some help I still don't want the medication, though I probably did do myself more harm than good waiting as long as I did to use it.

On a side note, hope your dad is recovering okay from everything.

I agree with you Carol, that it's like a cast. My hesitation was more about assessing the nature of the injury than the method of treatment. Casts aren't much use for a fracture, but they are if something's broken, if you take my meaning. It was a fracture, then pressure kept being put on it and things started to break. Anyway, I'm always working to fix whatever needs fixing, and not liking the method changes nothing. I do what I must with the tools at my disposal.

Have been even more tired than usual the last couple of days, which concerns me a bit. Think the medication may be at play, in that. We'll see if I still feel so knackered after my week-end off. Hopefully not.

Blue.

Hi Blue,

Hope you're feeling less tired.

Thinking of you,

Carol

A lot less tied today, thankfully. Slept in a bit and, though I'm sure some may tell me off for it, dropped back to half a tablet with my meds last night. Doctor didn't caution me against it when I said I did it last time. Not queasy any more either and my mood is stable. Think I can accept this balance.

Pleased to hear that you're feeling less tired and no longer queasy Blue. Hopefully you're all rested up for the start of a new week with a new roster. Is tomorrow one of your early starts?

Regarding the meds, I think if it works for you, then go with it. But monitor yourself closely to make sure that, over time, you are not losing the effectiveness of them by halving the dose.

Good on you. Hope you have a nice evening tonight.

Sherie xx

Don't worry, I'll be keeping a close watch on my moods to be sure I'm getting it right with the meds. I don't intend to let things backslide. I do want to keep it to the minimum I need to get where I'm going, though. As long as my mind isn't working against the actions I need to take, that's enough. The roster change is an important help too, which should make medication less necessary. In terms of sleep, I'm back to about how things were when I got the house sorted and considered the troubles ahead manageable to work my way out of.

Happily, no work tomorrow. More time with my other half, which makes me pretty happy. Early start after that, though. But not three in a row, so I can live with that.

Hope you're doing okay, and getting a bit more rest. How long until your brother comes to visit?

Blue.