Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
Thats okay Blue. I understand. At least it sounds as though today was not quite as, terrible-horrible-no good- very bad, as the previous couple of days.
But you could use a couple of decent nights sleep by the looks of things. And I hope you get that tonight.
Have you started the ADs today? I hope the transition to medication is a smooth one for you, and that it works well. For most it does, but sometimes its a matter of trial and error to get the right one. Were you on ADs before at all? And if so, are you back on the same ones?
No pressure to respond, just get back to us when you feel up to it. But in the meantime, know that we are all thinking of you.
Love from Sherie xx
Yeah Sherie I started the little pills today. I've used them before, probably not for quite long enough (stubborn git that I am). They were decently effective, though I did get some nasty stomach cramps on and off. Small price for a bit of relief from my own head, at this point. Hoping to get enough respite from the increasing and worsening little breakdowns I keep having to make some headway with doing something about all the crap that's wrong with my life.
Carol, I have a pretty comprehensive knowledge of how much difference sleep can make. Sadly, even that's had pretty limited impact recently. Almost nothing lifts me for long, and there's a point at which I have to admit I ain't getting better on my own.
My shifts suck: manager's been saying he'll try and make a permanent change for weeks but every time I ask it isn't done yet, and he's leaving very soon. That neighbour situation is a noisy idiot interfering with my sleep when I can get some (which the cops can help with if they ever turn up during the disturbance - so far they have not). Added to that I have completely failed to find a psychologist I can afford (rebate doesn't do much good when you have to pay the full fee up front with money you don't have to get the rebate later). So yeah, my mood has been sliding further and further down with every day these things go unresolved, in spite of my considerable efforts to do something about each situation whilst constantly fighting myself to do what needs doing. Fine. Bring on the damn pills.
Sorry for the rant.
Hi blue. Okay, thats good about the ADs. Hopefully you settle into the routine and benefits quickly and effectively. Accepting that you need a little assistance to get through a really tough patch takes strength, so well done on that score. It sounds as though you have been through a lot over the past 12 months, and these things do take a toll.
With any luck your current manager will give you a farewell gift of the promised permanent change to your shifts.
Regarding finding a psychologist. Are you on a MHCP? I am but I still have to pay for my psych sessions up front on the day of consultation. She charges $160 up front, but I pay it on my credit card and they process the medicare rebate of $124.50 back into my account on the same day. So I actually get the rebate in my account before I have to pay the credit card bill. (-: But yes, there is still a gap to pay, so I understand that its a financial impost. And a tough one when things are already financially difficult. My psych is good though, as I have been having double (2hr) sessions and she has only been charging me a single medicare fee. So although I have to pay a fee of $35.50 each time I see her, I cant really complain. Anyway dont give up looking for a psych, as I do believe there are some out there who dont charge above the rebated amount. Are you in the City? I am in a country/regional area, so its more difficult out here than it is in the city.
No problems for the rant, and yes ....... bring on those damned little pills. May they make a difference for you.
I saw my psych through the managed health care plan. Mine works in the medical centre that I go to. It was completely covered by medicare with no payment required. Perhaps you can ring around to try and find one who will do this. Perhaps look for medical centres with a psych.
Holistic well being centres seem to also cover payments. Like Minds is an example of one.
Noisy neighbours are the worst. I used to live in a town house and the girl next door was broken hearted and used to sing sad Olivia Newton John songs in the wee hours of the morning....argh!
My psych recommended Palouse Mindfulness, if you search on the internet you will find the site. It has a free program to work through along with meditation exercises. Perhaps you may find some value in it.
Today has been a better day. It started off less than brilliant, but with some help from the little pills I didn't go from okay to bats*** crazy in an instant when things went wrong. I still feel less than fantastic in the wake of the last few days, and the medication is making me a bit queasy, but the mood is within manageable levels. I call that a win.
But now for the real win: at a later point in the day, once I'd pretty much resigned myself to it all being screwed, my manager came to me with my new roster. It's not a huge change, but now one day a week my 5am start has been shifted to a 2pm. What was a three day stretch of no sleep now has a chance to sleep built into the middle. A small step, but one I think will make a big difference. I am hugely relieved.
Sherie, yeah, the last year has been rough, and the six or so before it weren't exactly peachy either. Compared to the rest of my life, that is, which hasn't exactly been sunshine and lollipops either. I'm pleasantly surprised that you get the rebate so quickly. For me though, my finances are a very delicate balancing act, which includes a lot of juggling with the credit card. Sometimes there may be enough for that sort of fee (briefly), but it's not guaranteed, and if something goes wrong with the rebate, I'm in a very bad position. I have a lot of clawing to do to get my finances back in functioning order after everything with the ex. That man was expensive.
Carol, you've got some handy tips there. I'll look into them a bit more closely when I'm less stupidly busy. It's been flat out for me for days. Not going to calm down for a while yet. I know I have to call around. Have tried my luck with e-mail as I'm bad with calls, especially when stressed. So far they've all said cough up large sums now, rebate later.
But back to the positive. I got my roster change. About (*expletive deleted*) time.
So there has been a couple of positive developments for you today.
One, is that the medication has helped you to get through another tough day. And two, that you finally have your long awaited roster improvement. As you say, it is only a small step, but hopefully one that will allow you get back on top of things again. I'm really pleased for you. (-:
Yes I understand what you are saying about the finances. But if medicare rebates are the same for everyone else as they have been for me, they have been credited to my account on the day of the consultation. My psych's office processes the rebate for me at the same time I pay them. So that should be useful for you to know for future reference. And I have also found that even when processing Medicare claims on-line myself through MyGov that claims are paid within a day or two at the most. So the system does seem to work pretty efficiently.
Sounds like you are a bit like me, I also much prefer email, rather than telephone.
Anyway, for now ........... concentrate on the positives from the day. You've had a win with the roster change, finally. (-: When does the new roster take affect from?
Hi Sherie, just a quick one today, I'm still very tired. The roster takes effect straight away. Interestingly, it was the new temporary manager that made sure it got pushed through. I don't think she likes rosters being in flux. Whatever her reasons, I got the benefit, and I'm not complaining.
Got to spend some time with my other half, finally. He had his concerns about me taking medication, but has been very supportive of my decision and in general. I am very lucky to have him.
Since Saturday, I have been flat out between work and social things. One more work day then I get my week-end off, and I'm very much looking forward to the rest. I am feeling somewhat better in general but very, very exhausted.
So happy for you for the positives. Yay!!
I am also a fan of email or text. My hubby thinks I am weird because of this. My son's guitar teacher actually said it was weird and the first time lessons had been organised all via email without speaking. Ha! We had some building done for a pergola and the builder looked at me like I was crazy when I suggested email...he said nah, I will just call you or pop round.... argh. I try and use chat, email or text as much as I can for work too. So much easier.
Hope things continue to improve bit by bit Blue, you deserve some wins.
Thanks Carol, your enthusiasm made me smile. As for "weird" habits... I'm not a fan of "normal", so let 'em say what they will. There are a few of us who prefer text-based options.
I'm hoping yesterday's little victory will be a turning point. I don't expect things to be fixed in an instant, but if I can build on what I've got with a few more little improvements, I know they'll add up eventually. Just hope I can hang onto whatever I achieve for a while this time. I have much better support, so maybe I can get a little further than before.
Bluguru (I like Paul's nickname for me, too).