Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
Hi Blue, and my apologies in advance for this response which may come across a little garbled. I was feeling really tired and took my medication with the intention of heading off to bed straight away, so now I am all over the place. But I didnt want to go to bed without first acknowledging your post, especially since it sounds like you are feeling pretty low and frustrated.
I see its been a bad day for you all round. How unfortunate about your manager at work leaving soon. And your naughty little bird must have decided that he wanted you home with him for the day and thus muted your mobile alarm. (-: How sweet! But what a shame it mresulted in you having to work late and thus miss a chance to spend some quality time with your OH. I'm sorry its been such a crappy day for you .......
Tomorrow has to be better .......... will you get another chance tomorrow to spend time with the OH? I do hope so, as it seems to be one of the few things that brightens your day. Does he work regular hours, or does he have odd shifts like you, this making it difficult to get together sometimes?
Also, do you rent or do you own the house you're in now? Just wondering with regards to your neighbour issue. If you rent, is moving elsewhere an option? Because this seems to be a long standing dispute and not one that is likely to be solved any time soon. As well as being a source of great frustration for you. But bear in mind that no matter where you are, or who you are, there is bound to be something with which to disagree with a neighbour about. Does your OH live with you? If you dont mind me asking. (-: I get the impression he doesnt. If not, is there the likelihood of moving in together at some point?
Sorry, I really must go. Sorry Blue. I just hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Hugs and Good night.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, even though you're feeling so tired and muddled. I appreciate it a lot.
It really has been a crap day. My little bird loves playing with my phone, and does not love it when I leave for work. More snuggle time is good for both of us. Just a pity the timing was such a disaster for me today.
Not likely to see much of my other half tomorrow. Our shifts overlap, so I'll see him briefly at work. Sometimes I find that even harder than not seeing him at all because I can't just hold him and block out the rest of the world. I don't expect any proper time together until mid-week.
I own my home, Sherie. It was a massive struggle with the bank to keep it when I split with the ex. Between that and his settlement the whole business financially crippled me. Selling wasn't an option - the sheer amount of time and effort to do so would be hard enough, but odds are against getting what we paid, then giving him his settlement, plus me on single, pitiful income... I would still have been crippled but without a house of my own and the added stress of moving. So no, moving is not an option now. There is no money for it. Hardly money even for lunch, half the time. I fought so damn hard to have my home, pushed myself through things I couldn't bear, and I have some selfish piece of crap driving me out of that home, making it unbearable to be here.
No, I don't live with my other half. To be honest, there's a lot of recovering still to do from living with the last one. I'm not at all ready to live with anyone yet, and nor is he. I just want more opportunities to see him, and some peace in my own home when I'm alone. Doesn't seem like much to ask, and I'm not one to ask for anything I won't work for, but life is giving me a great big "**** you".
I doubt tomorrow will be a huge improvement, but it can't be much worse. Got my phone password protected at least, so if my bird can get past that he deserves to make all the mischief he likes. Good night Sherie. Thank you for making the effort to write to me, tonight.
I hope your day has been better. It started with toilet humour so a great start right? Haha.
I was sorry to read about the work issues. It's never nice when you have to work with people you don't get along with.
I know you have a problem with your neighbour but am not sure of what it is. If you're up to it, let me know what's going on.
Thinking of you,
Hi Blue. Sorry to see that you had a second shitty day yesterday. Not good at all.
I havent read exactly why yesterday was such a bad day, did you post about it elsewhere? If so, then I havent seen it. I am making the assumption that it was to do with work in particular.
Because we spend so much of our time at work, if we are not happy then it becomes such a major frustration for us. I know you need the money that your work brings in each week, so obviously giving up work is not an option. Is there any other similar jobs that you may be able to apply for alternative work? I am thinking you work in one of the major supermarket chains, given what you have told me that you do. Perhaps there are other options out there? Or maybe even a complete change of direction - have you ever given consideration to turning your hand to something entirely different? Retraining for new skills.
Another alternative is to have an all-in-brawl with these people at work who are making your life decidedly unpleasant at the moment. Or get Sir Peckalot or Mr Fiesty to go and poop on their heads! (-:
Thank you Sherie and Carol for thinking of me, and for checking in. Today has been better in terms of external circumstances, though I'm running on very little sleep. I haven't written anywhere about the details of yesterday. At the moment I haven't the energy to answer any specific questions - I'll have to come back to it when I'm in a better headspace. Just want you to know I appreciate the support.
Work was okay today and I saw my sister after. Good things, but I'm still so messed up inside. In the last 2-3 months I've had far more bad days than good, it's worn on me to the point where I don't really have it in me to enjoy much of the good stuff, or not for long when I do. I've fought so hard to change my circumstances, at least enough to take the pressure off, within the limited capacity I have right now (said capacity not including something as major as chasing a new job). Everything has repeatedly, consistently failed miserably. I fixed one huge problem (ending the last relationship/getting the house in my name), which took everything I had left in me and more, just for everything else to collapse on the other side and I am breaking under the weight. Every day it gets harder to find existence worth the effort.
I have conceded defeat and asked my doctor for anti-depressants. I am at the point where my depression keeps grabbing the wheel and steering me off the road and that cannot continue.