Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
I had a good shot at reading your thread from where I last left off but I drowned in text in the last few pages....I will come back to them.
Something you said earlier really resonates with me. I always had make friends...groups of them that were all nerdy and you coukd just hang out, play games, watch nerdy stuff...have a drink when we got to that age and it was so easy. I had a couple of girlfriends who accepted me for being a nerd. We used to go out - I love dancing... but things have changed.
I moved away from my big group of nerds, had kids. I have made friends with lots of Mums, they are nice but only 1 nerd in the whole bunch and she is a token nerd.... seems to pick up on the fads but isn't into the games and paraphernalia etc that kinda follows naturally. At least it's something. Even my bookclub friends are not into any oi f the things that really stimulate my mind and excite my soul the way scifi fantasy does. Luckily my hubby is a complete nerd...I am lucky that way.
A lady pointed out to me that my daughter hangs out with all the boys, typically a year or 2 older. She seemed concerned....I figure she is just nerding out like her Mum.
I am enjoying your company Blues even though I can't be as chatty as I'd like and my literary skills have plumpeted which is another frustration.
I wish I had something helpful to say to help with how you're feeling right now but I don't.
Here for you though xx
What more needs to be said, Shelley? You don't have to have all the answers. I still appreciate your kindness. Thank you.
Carol, I wouldn't worry about keeping up with the mountains of text in my thread: I'm a verbose creature, and can hardly keep up with my own prattling. 😉
Your tale sounds so familiar. I tried joining a writing club at one stage, years ago. Same deal as your book club, there just wasn't anyone who appreciated the nerdy stuff. I do have one female friend who enjoys gaming and anime, so she's part way there. Token nerd, as you say. The other women around me aren't really nerdy, and sadly I don't get to see my brother or my bestie nearly often enough. Thankfully though, I share your luck in having a completely nerdy partner. We watch Star Trek together, play D&D, bandy about Red Dwarf quotes and the like. Time with him is very satisfying.
It does seem likely your daughter is following in your footsteps. Boys are fun to hang out with.
I don't know why you don't think you have anything helpful to say. It may not be directly related to my low mood, but talking nerdy with someone who gets it is always a good boost for me. I enjoy your company, too. 🙂
Oh no .......... I just wrote a long (max characters) response to you Blue, and it crashed. Grrrrrr ..........
I am really sorry, but I dont feel up to replicating it now. Oh dear. Sigh. Just another thing to add to a bad day.
Briefly, I'm pretty sure the bird who visited me last week was a male King Parrot. And yes I have read about the willy wagtails you had in your back yard. They are such lively little birds with so much character, arent they? And I do love how they like to look at themselves in mirrors - like car side mirrors. I can sit and watch them all day, they are just gorgeous.
Enough for now, after spending ages to write the lost post. I just want you to know that like everyone else here I care about you a great deal and I'm sorry you have not been getting the attention from us that you so richly deserve. Dont keep your distress to yourself next time, okay. Promise?
Gotta go now. Hope you are feeling less exhausted and up to work again tomorrow. I'm working tomorrow too, but need to be home a bit earlier than I usually would, around 1pm. Hubby has a 1.30pm medical appointment and we are sharing a car most of the week by the looks of things.
Oh dear, I hate losing a long post. You put so much thought into it, then (*poof*) it disappears. Grr. I can seldom muster the energy to replicate those, either. I try and highlight and copy my posts regularly these days so I don't lose too much if something goes awry.
I looked up king parrots, they're such a vibrant colour. I haven't seen too much of willy wagtails playing with mirrors, but they sure have plenty of personality. I love watching their little dance. Especially the young ones, learning how to do it. So cute and funny. It's usually magpie larks I see at mirrors, vehemently attacking their reflections.
Duly noted about keeping my troubles to myself too much. It's a hard habit to break, but I'll do my best not to overdo it with that. Promise. Thank you - and everyone - for caring.
Short shift tomorrow, so not too worried even if I'm still tired. Seeing Sis after, so I'm looking forward to that. Hope your hubby doesn't grumble at you too much while you're sharing a car. You deserve some kindness instead.
Yes thats true. Actually I used to lose posts regularly, and it would take ages and ages for some posts to accept. But I think they must have done some work on the website a month or more ago, and its been much better lately. I used to copy my long posts before 'posting' in case it got lost, or 'poof' into cyberspace as you say. (-: But as it has all been working perfectly lately I got out of the habit of doing it. May have to start again.
Yes I know about the magpie larks, we have lots of them also. They come and play against our windows, pecking and kicking and putting dirty footprints all over our windows. They do seem to like reflections. I've seen them doing it to some large glaced pots on our deck as well.
I trust your short shift at work tomorrow goes well.