Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
Having a bad day, today. I guess that's the thing about having good days; you start to feel okay, and on the other side you suddenly get blindsided. Nothing so much as not hearing a great deal from anyone for much of the day. Got to feeling isolated and rejected. By the time my efforts to connect with anyone bore any fruit, that sense had really taken hold, and I'm failing to shake it, even with slightly belated words of love and support from my other half.
I write this with a great cynicism at the idea anyone will read it, but it's my thread and my thoughts so I'm posting them anyway. Even one of my birds gave me a solid peck to the face, so they aren't reducing that sense of rejection any, stupid though that may sound. I don't know. I just feel lonely and crap and really ****ing sad, and I'm fed up with it.
Hey Blue, no wonder I hadnt seen anything on your thread recently, you havent been posting much lately have you? And I think the other major contributor to your thread has not been too well lately either, so she has not been responding here either.
I'm really sorry you are feeling sad, lonely, isolated and rejected. Thats never easy to deal with. And you're right, this is your thread and you can write anything you want, whatever you feel, whenever you like. Oh dear, even the ultimate insult from one of your beloved birds. Probably more a dig at you to try and cheer up a bit, rather than a sign of rejection though I suspect. And no, it doesnt sound silly. When you are feeling down, every little thing (even unrelated things) just seems to reinforce that feeling of rejection.
Are you back to work again tomorrow? Perhaps being out of routine this weekend, ie not working for a change, has thrown you into a bit of a loop.
I know you are not into any sport, being a self confessed nerd, but do you go to any exercise classes, or go walking occasionally, anything like that? Besides being good for you, it also gets you out of the house and seeing other people. I would help with your feelings of isolation and loneliness. And if sport or exercise is not an option for you - what about any hobby groups, book clubs, movie groups?
Hopefully you start to feel better soon Blue. And I'm sorry I cannot be of any real assistance.
I haven't posted much here, no. I have still been talking to Joelle, just not on this particular thread, and she's been very supportive though as you say, she hasn't been well. Even so, I'm just not holding up well, today. As I mentioned in the Café, my ex was bothering me last night. Normally I might weather out the sense of rejection okay on a day like this, but I guess hearing from him stirred up stuff from when we were together. Though I know it wasn't his intent, no-one has ever made me feel rejected quite as thoroughly as he did. Not hearing much from anyone for a goodly part of today kick-started something, and I guess the influence of old wounds finished the job.
You're right that any little thing can reinforce it when I'm feeling bad. My wee bird is always a bit feisty, but turned it up a notch, today. I have a scratch on my nose and a puffy cut below my eye now. When I'm feeling rubbish, I prefer not to have lasting evidence of a bad moment like that.
Fortunately, I'm not working tomorrow. I should do something useful. Vaguely considered going for a walk today, just didn't feel up to it. Guess I've kind of been feeding the mood, and being a bit self-defeating. (I do very much enjoy walking, though now it's getting a tad dark and cold; there's always my exercise bike, I suppose.) Nerd yes, but it's the whole sport culture I don't have an affinity for, not exercise in itself.
Don't discount your ability to be of assistance. The vast majority of the time, when I am struggling with my depression, what I need most is to know I'm not forgotten or invisible. You are a great help to many of us here, reminding us someone is paying attention.
Does your ex live near you, and when you say he was bothering you - by visiting or phoning? Is there any reason why he is still bothering you - does he not have a life of his own? How long since you and the ex parted ways?
Gee your feisty little bird did some damage then. Did I read somewhere that you are an old farm girl, from the bush someplace? I dont get the impression that you are currently living in the country however. Do you miss the country life? I do, I've spent most of my life living in the bush. And even now, we live on 3 acres 11kms out of town. Not the same as on the farm, but at least we have some space around us. And heaps of bird life, which I do love. Especially the kookaburras, magpies, willy wagtails, many varieties of parrots, and the tiny little robins who are just adorable. Actually had a really large parrot come right up to us the other day when hubby and I were sitting in the sun on our back deck. We overlook a large fish pond and the parrot came up looking at us and then made his way over, sat on the side of the fishpond (its like a little rowing boat) and had a big drink. All the time watching us. He was only about 10 feet away, but seemed really tame. I wondered if he may have been an escaped pet. And then the following day he was there again. That was a few days ago though, and I havent seen him back again.
Ahh, I'm glad you are not totally opposed to all sport. Merely the culture of sport. (-: We are very different in that respect. I guess I have grown up spending more time in male company, and I am very comfortable and happy discussing just about any sport. Have you got lots of good places to go walking around your place?
Blue, you're never forgotten or invisible around here you know. But perhaps because you always seem so upbeat and on top of things we are not aware when you are having a tough time of things. (-:
Offering you a big hug, and hoping you will feel better tomorrow and able to enjoy another day off.
It was just text messages from the ex. I haven't wanted to block his number as he doesn't message often and it's usually to ask about the birds (we raised four together, and now each have two of them with us), but I think I'll have to. E-mail is one thing, as I can check it at my leisure, but texts come whether I want them or not. We parted ways over a year ago, but he isn't doing a good job of letting go, though he knows I have someone else in my life now.
Yeah, my wee one has a strong little beak. And you're right, I started out as a farm girl, and moved to the city in my teens. I do miss the farm and the beaches sometimes, but certainly not the small town and the small-minded people. Overall I prefer it here, though wish I had a little more space. The birdlife around me is surprisingly diverse and active, even for the urban environment, and I've seen most of the species you mentioned near my place. Did I tell you about the willy wagtails that nested in my yard? They were adorable. Do you know what kind of parrot visited you? He sounds lovely.
You're not the only one who has spent a lot of time in male company. Just for me it was nerds, not sporty types. Being from a small town put me off sport culture because it was something I was never interested in or good at, and pretty much all the locals thought about, which made for a very alienated Blue. Thankfully I have a good and quite large park not too far from my place (and even a decent pair of hiking boots and wet-weather gear for cold winter days). I see a few birds there I don't get around home, so I enjoy it when I go there.
You're right, I guess I do project being on top of things most of the time. I'm in my element when it comes to giving advice and propping up others on the other threads, so my own troubles don't show so much. And I'm bad at showing vulnerability. Always been the strong one, and all that. Letting people know I'm not doing so well is still a bit of a process for me, even here. I've spent a lot of my life not being supported or sometimes even believed when I've needed help emotionally, so there's a bit of de-programming to do in my responses to stress. Thank you for listening, and taking the time to talk to me. And the hug, of course. 🙂
Well I found your thread and got up to speed a little on your story, hope you don't mind. I too had feelings in the past that no one was looking t my threads but then realised I wasn't posting so I guess if we are not posting our thread gets moved down the line. Sorry you;ve been feeling so down. I can relate to how you are feeling, you feel ok an then a message or contact from someone can stir up things from the past that made us feel not so good. Triggers. I noticed this comment by you "Though I know it wasn't his intent, no-one has ever made me feel rejected quite as thoroughly as he did.". It made me realise this is how my little ones dad makes me feel. we try and take the little one out together for lunch etc like we did yesterday but I end up sitting quietly, not really enjoying myself, feeling sad and lonely, especially when I see other couples or families that are leading normal lives, like normal people, not all messed up like mine.
I see your point about trying to keep it light in the café. I failed miserably in that department a few weeks ago when I was venting, then realised I was doing so because my feeling and emotions were getting on top of me so I started a new thread an resurrected an old one which helped. I felt bad for bringing negativity into the café, having said that theres nothing wrong with going in there and letting anyone know youre having a hard time too and having someone offer you a nice cuppa and a bikkie or some hot soup. afterall, that's what its all about.
are you working today? do you enjoy your job, is it a bit of an outlet for you?
You funny thing, why would I mind? I appreciate you taking the time to read my tale and respond. I know my thread goes down the pile when I haven't posted, it's more that when I do post, it goes to the top, then I check back and watch it slide down again, hour after hour, day after day. That can be pretty disheartening. I've been reminded that I do put out an air of being on top of things in general, and I think that's a significant contributing factor. Guess I should be mindful to let you guys in the Café know in future when I'm having a bad day, before I get to feeling too wretched.
I'd say your ex and mine are pretty different people, but there are some parallels in how they made us feel. It hurts when you're so connected to someone and doing your best, and it isn't reciprocated, especially when they're telling you it is. Much the same happened with the ex before him, too. They were always willing to stay, but never willing to make the effort to connect and actually be happy together. Too many people are willing to forgo communication and effort merely for the familiar status quo. That isn't living at all.
My current partner is the complete opposite of that, he is excellent with communication and makes a considerable effort. But there are days he gets distracted and doesn't see my messages for some while, and having had my ex triggering things I went straight to feeling isolated and rejected yesterday, like nothing had changed, even though I knew better. My other half called to reassure me as soon as he knew I was having a bad day, which helped somewhat, though it takes a while even with help to rid myself of that malaise once it gets started. Still feeling pretty rubbish, to be honest.
I don't think anyone minded you venting in the Café, but I'm had you started another thread, to be able to go into it more. Sorry I haven't visited your threads, I didn't think I had much to contribute I hadn't already in the Café.
Not working, today. I may go for a walk later, as Sherie suggested. I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I'm in two departments, Fruit which I enjoy, Deli which I do not. My duties are fine, but upper management make bad decisions leaving many of us doing the work of three people, often not anything to do with our own jobs but someone else's. The hours are horrid and extremely disruptive but too few to live on comfortably. The staff are pretty good. It's better than being on welfare. Just.
Thanks for listening.
how does your current partner feel about your ex still contacting you? Does he know that he is struggling to move on? My little one's dad had an ex who was desperate to get back together with him. his mother told her she could go an sleepover whenever he wanted as they were very good friends an he told me that she did sleepover because that's just what they did. he told me this after 6 months of seeing each other and only becasue they were moving house to jus 2 streets away from me. he said to me will bump into each other, don't be a stranger. so I'm seeing a guy whose ex is going to sleep over t his house and I'm going to bump into them on the st cos we live near each other! to top it off, when she used call him he used to tell me to be quiet so she wouldn't know he was with someone cos he didn't want her to feel hurt as she really liked him..but f I bumped into them I should say hi! He didnt want her to know he had moved on. So I wonder how he was going to explain who I was? I mean he used to sleep at my place on weekends was I to pretend I was no one? Hmmmm, yeah feeling pretty rejected but cant believe I put up with it. I feel so so stupid looking back on it now hahaha. I did tell him she would not move on if he kept 'being there' for her as she ran to him for everything. How could she possibly move on if he wouln't cut the string?
Blocking your exes calls sounds harsh but if its been a year and he cant let go, even though he knows you have someone else, and this is making you feel upset because of what it stirs up maybe you should. He needs to move on, and he cant if you keep in contact, and I think you deserve it too. I don't think you are being fair to yourself because of the way it makes you feel, even if unintentional.
Your new partner sounds great, lucky you. you deserve happiness and to live for 'now'. Depression is living in the past, you need to move forward...
My other half knows the ex contacts me sometimes. Naturally he doesn't care for it, or the negative effect it has at times. As I may have mentioned, I only allow contact because we each have two of the birds we raised. They're like children to both of us, so we ask each other occasionally how they are. Usually that's all there is to the conversation, hence not having blocked the number (and also to block it, it has to be saved in my phone, and I deleted it). I don't answer when the ex calls (which is infrequent in any case), only by text about the birds, or if I think he needs a reminder to back off and that I am in a relationship. My partner is very much my priority, both he and the ex know that on no uncertain terms.
I'm sorry you went through all that with your ex. The level of contact he had with his former partner was way over the top and inappropriate, encouraging her feelings for him and utterly disrespecting you. I'm doubly sorry that you're stuck with any level of contact with him because of the child you share. Sounds like he does a number on you every time you're around him. Is there a way to reduce the amount of direct interaction you have with him?
The thing with my ex is that I hear nothing for months and get on with things, largely forgetting about the idea he may contact me. Then something triggers him (he also suffers depression) and he turns up again with a sad reminiscence or to get mad at me. As I said, I deleted his number so it isn't blocked. Most of the time it isn't a consideration and I never initiate contact so I'm hardly encouraging him. Nor am I entirely sweet and diplomatic with him when he pushes his luck with anything beyond bird talk (I'm sure you've figured out I can be pretty blunt).
My partner is indeed an amazing person, I know I'm very lucky to have him. Thanks for your encouragement there. As for my depression... Most of it these days is kicked off by sleep deprivation far more so than the ex. My work and the situation with my neighbour are intollerable. Finally got the relationships side of my life in good order, and instantly work went to hell so I have no money and no sleep. It's like there always has to be collossal failure on one side or the other so I can't get enough stamina back to get it all working reasonably well at once. It's not so much living in the past as triggers being amplified by my inability to have a stable present. I'm just so exhausted.