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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

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I don't know about the other neighbours, I'm not really that friendly with them. Was hesitant to bring it up because I expected it to just come back to grumbles about my loud car being disruptive, too. Though I always tried to keep the noise down, not revving or leaving it running unnecessarily. But I took on board that sort of thing and got a muffler, even though I couldn't really afford it, so I'm in a better position for a neighbour war now. No body corporate to govern that sort of thing, it's just call the cops when it's happening. Too many calls and I expect that he will be fined. But it's apt to be a process, and I'll lose plenty more sleep before it's over, I'm sure.

I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping. That eased a lot after I left my ex, and having my current partner to talk through things with when my mind is running away with me is a considerable help to getting to sleep. I've done a bunch of other things to help with sleep, too. My nature sounds app, and turning lights down before bed, having a bright light on a timer to help me wake up, that sort of thing. I've largely conquered my internal demons on that score. I did see your comments on another thread about the dreams. I didn't have anything useful to contribute, so I didn't comment on that. It's outside my own experience, as I'm seldom asleep long enough to be conscious of any dreams.

At least they have an idea of what may be wrong, and are being thorough enough to check if it's anything more serious. Glad at least your liver is behaving itself. It would be a shame to cut short those drinking days.

Yeah, the longer depression goes unaddressed or undiagnosed, the worse it gets. I know what you mean about not being taken seriously. Admittedly on other things, because it took a long time for everything to blow up into clinical depression. It was mainly in relationships for me: being the strong one, I spent a lot of time not being believed or accommodated when I needed emotional support. Eventually that catches up with you. Now we have a place where we are heard, and we are muzzled. Go figure.

Yeah, it's mostly the shifts being where they are that's put me in more female company. It's frustrating, because I see so little of my bestie and my brother because of it. Even a thing in the afternoon or early evening could put me out badly because, if I were to get eight hours' sleep before a shift (hardy-har), I basically have to be asleep at 7:30 - right in that period when I'm starting to come to life and wanting to do things. Inevitably I can't quite manage to be in bed that early - I have birds to look after, and a house to clean, and occasionally want to have a ****ing life - and with the neighbour situation I can't catch it up on the other side of my shift.

I did get about six hours' sleep last night. Enough if I wasn't already running on a deficit. No rest for me over the week-end. 5am start tomorrow, 7am Sunday, both long shifts. My other half is sick, so I won't see him at work, which is usually the main thing that makes my week-ends bearable. Not sure if I mentioned we work together.

I'm glad you had that social space with the science nerds. Doing an arts degree, I found at uni I still wasn't among people who thought a lot like me, so had cordial acquaintanceships, but didn't make any friends there. I have, however, enjoyed the signs of nerdiness in you and Carol, here on the forums.

Have fun devouring. Agreed, I am throwing myself back into some things I enjoy. Still having some trouble feeling the enjoyment, but there's a glimmer of it there. I don't think it will fully manifest until I get this neighbour situation under control, as the stress of consistent sleep deprivation keeps knocking me back down. Thanks for reinforcing the positive bit, though. It does help to have another voice going "hey, but at least that thing is going right".

Man, your mother really is clueless and insensitive. And the nurse really should know better. I can see your frustration, having that sort of ignorance around you. I guess I'm lucky that I don't have too much of that sort of thing to deal with. I'm glad you're part of the Beyond Blue community, for both our sakes, as it's so important to have that bit of understanding.

I'm going to take a shot at something that might not go through, or last long if it does. Because I have the profile linked up to a dummy e-mail that isn't connected to my daily business and can be deleted easily, and scarcely use the site itself (for reasons we've discussed), I deem it safe to say **** it and tell you and whoever else is following this thread, on 7 Cups, I am PurpleApricotThingy. That may open more useful and less public lines of communication.

Not sure if I have to be a listener on there to be contactable. You may know more about that than I. Still learning, but I'm so damn tired of the muzzle and trying to take it off.

FearlessSpruce32 as a member

DreamCatcher1989 as a listener

Find me as a listener.

Excellent idea. And full of gumption!

Done. (I'm occasionally a woman of action.)

Full of Gumption, eh? Doesn't sound appealing. You've given me an image of me sitting on the floor with a spoon, munging out on the cleaning product of the same name. Bwahaha!

Is gumption a cleaning product?

...nope, the word isn't tarnished for me. Gumption is a good thing.

It's been a while since I posted on here, so just touching base for anyone following my thread to know I'm still alive. Have been very busy and spending a decent amount of time with my other half, so very tired but okay in general.

Haven't had too much neighbour-related trouble on account of not being home much (and mercifully getting a few later shifts than usual). My attempt to get the cops to deal with the neighbour last time came to nothing because they took too long to come out, anyway. I still don't want to involve police in my domestic business, but even having forced myself to pick up the phone (not my greatest strength even at the best of times) and done something that seems so dramatic to me (I do not like drama), I have achieved precisely nothing.

I have realised part of my stress may hark back to my first long-term relationship, which resulted in (among other things) him turning up on my doorstep yelling abuse after we broke up, and me having to call the cops to get rid of him. Weird that I'd as good as forgotten about it. Anyway, said neighbour carries on much the same way - the full out-of-control tantrum on my doorstep - only unlike my ex he lives very close to me, so I can't have him removed to somewhere suitably far away.

Anyway, that hasn't been an immediate concern the last few days, and life has been fairly good. My man has been less busy and more attentive, and I am grateful for him and everything about him. I am very tired though, so may not trundle about the threads much for a while. Good night, all.