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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

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Yea, I have the weekend. I've had to spend yesterday and today with the fan, but made sure I got my me time away from them, not just being in the room. I do it every Friday, mainly to talk with the counsellor. Couldn't talk to her today though, could have done with it. So I wrote. I plan on getting healthy again, or healthier now that I have "more" time, more like less pressure...but today, or the rest of it, I will be resting and eating pudding.

Sounds like you're on a positive track, even if there is a measure of having to bully yourself into it. Glad you have the week-end off. I have an early start tomorrow, sadly, so I'm off to bed. It's a casual shift though, so certainly extra money I can put to good use. Trying to focus on that side of it. Night.

It's more like I'm thinking about getting on a positive track maybe sometime...bullying will definitely have to happen, though I bully myself a lot.

I hope that you have a good day today (if you read this in the morning), or have had a good day (if you read this after). I think that covers it.

Ah, yep, I know that place pretty well. More than a little familiar with having to bully myself, too. Gets results, though, more often than not.

So far so good, today. Very tired and stomach is a bit off, but was surprisingly productive at work this morning. Otherwise, doing okay. I notice my post from last night has turned up.

Hey, just replying to that post now. Glad you had a productive day. Just got Netlflix (free for a month) so my productivity levels might actually visit the negative. Unless one can assume watching tv is productive as it is an activity. Of course, I haven't been succeeding in that either.

Anyway...3 different meds that result in me feeling like a worthless piece of s*** everyday. One to help me sleep, one to make me feel okay and one to make me feel good. My parents aren't very considerate of me, as we've come to discuss. Ah rage against the machine. I had all their music growing up. I haven't thought about them for a while. That part does describe it well hah. I will look into those songs. Consider my curiosity piqued.

I love In the Shadows. I was listening to that at Ikea actually. Awesome song. I rarely look at music videos though. I remember, just around that song came out, a guy named Rasmus started school, oh he got so much grief from having that name. I don't mind you bombarding me with songs. I like Muse and 30 seconds to mars and fall out boy and various rap artists. There's a particular song by Techn9ne that is called Psycho which I love, and another with the same name by Muse. The beginnings of a trend? There are other bands like Placebo and Sum 41 and Blink 182. Just depends on the mood. Let's have this sprinkled with that etc.

Actually, I think you've changed my whole perspective on birds. I watch them for more than just their flight now. That does sound cute. Reminds me of when I bathed my dogs. One of them had the long and fluffy fur but when she got wet, she looked like a rodent. And she would just look at you with those eyes that said, "I was magnificent before, look at me now...Why?" All was forgiven afterward when groomed and blow dried. It's like it would give her all this energy and she would just run all over the house. It was the freedom from the bath tub. I miss having a dog.

What if we took a community of a small number of people, or relatively small, say the size of a town. If we set limits; say hamlet is the least progressed, then village, then town then city, which is the most progressed. And say "progress" is defined as ideals, standards, technology etc. (all the things we classify it as in the current day in a utopian sense) in relation to whatever is below or above the unit on that hierarchy. If we took the town as it is and isolated it from everything, erased everyone's memory so that all they know is what they have, so no comparison to a village or a city. Do you think, the community of people in this town, with an unlimited supply of the resources they already have and have had (so nothing new), they would "progress"?

That's a good question, and depends on a few variables. There will often be one or two forward thinking people in any given population, but they also have to be pretty courageous to get their ideas out and go against the flow. And even if they do, small communities tend to be in each other's business a lot, have a greater impact on one another's personal lives and overall social standing, and an individual has less recourse to obtain access to alternate resources where those holding them are running against progressive ideas. That society may progress, but I think it would take a long time to do so. Having grown up as the oddball in a small town, I have a good idea of the sort of mentality and unproductive "groupthink" that goes on. It still happens here in the city but you're more likely to be humoured at least, because everything is impersonal enough for people to laugh off what small town types would treat as a threat.

Yes, that's why I made it a town. Big enough in population to hold a small percentage of progressive thinkers but small enough for the majority to influence them to maintain the status quo. Good chat.

I had Netflix for a bit, and it wasn't bad. It was the ex's account though, so I didn't get my own when he left (money and all). I can watch anime and stuff online, and that's good enough for me. Hope you find something good to watch. Also, sorry your meds are making you feel crap.

Glad to know you like Rage Against the Machine, and The Rasmus (can't imagine why that kid copped it, it's a great name). Dunno if you are familiar with Apocolyptica (a Finnish band that plays heavy stuff but with cellos), but the singer from The Rasmus did vocals on a couple of their tracks, "Life Burns" and "Bittersweet", the former of which I really like. The other one sounds good too, but I steer away from love triangles as a song theme (though it's tastefully handled). I like Fall Out Boy, too, and Placebo. And Blink 182... "**** a Dog" gets played loudly in my car sometimes to embarrass my brother (*insert evil grin here*). Listening to Muse now ("Psycho"), and I like it. I'll check out the other stuff you mentioned, when I'm not lining up for a Rick and Morty marathon.

On songs called "Psycho", there's one by Beasts of Bourbon that I like (all except the bit about the puppy). It's a tad dark. Ooh, another band I should mention is Coldrain. I believe I brought them up on one of your song-related threads. Particularly "We're Not Alone", it's inspiring without being saccharine. They're a Japanese screamy/emo band I discovered through the intro of an anime (Rainbow) that I enjoyed a lot. Pretty much all of their songs are great (on the subject of progress, you may enjoy "Divine"). Fear Factory are good, too, heavy and very anti-establisment.

I'm glad you're getting a new view of birds. I always liked them, but then my ex started bringing home all these little baby birds he found that needed help, and I discovered so much more about them. We had four all up before we split (we each have two, and though I miss the little ones, I know he dotes on them and they are doing well). It's an amazing experience raising them, and watching them change and grow, and learn to run and fly. They even bathe differently. One really enjoys it, and does it with finesse. The other plops into the bath and comes out so soggy and shivering. The two with the ex would squabble over the bath, one spending ages in there, and the other doing a fly-by, dropping in for a second and zooming off again.

I like dogs, too. My other half has two, and they're huge and beautiful. Would be a job to bathe them.

I should also say that not every big city is tolerant of the oddball thinker either. Over here, towing the norm line is practically forced upon you.

Imagine a town where oddball thinkers were the norm.