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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

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Sigh. I did reply, but it's done it's obligatory disappearing act. As usual, I'll give it a while and see if it turns up.

It has been pretty intense. My mood hasn't been very stable either. I don't know about these new meds, I can function, but around my moods. I still feel what I feel. I'm supposed to be feeling "pleasure" from life again. All I feel is how unstable my hands are because of the trembling or tremors. It's that feeling of overworked muscles and they just can't take anymore, sans the muscular pain. I'm told they will subside.

At least you had a good humored boss. My boss isn't so bad either. He just words questions like statements, so he says you don't know how to do this, but he's actually asking you if you know how. When I learned that, I felt better about myself. I suppose I now know more of the scope of what is entailed in the full version of the job. I always learn better if I piece it together myself, and that's what I have been treating it as; a puzzle. I found it quite funny when the guy under the big boss who started when I did comes to me and asks me how to do these things. He looks like he gets frazzled under stressful conditions and just can't filter after a certain point. Considering I won't be there to help him tomorrow (exam day) I wonder how he'll do. I did leave instructions and filled all the paperwork.

I am truly glad that you are feeling better and more stable. I suppose when your body forces you to rest, you better damn well rest ey? I consider this convo to be one of those social interactions that aren't compulsory in my life, so, I will definitely make time for it, and you (mind permitting - but you understand that, which I appreciate). And definitely tell me when you want more interaction.

If you don't want to, I understand, but tell me about coldplay's fix you. It has accompanied me through a lot of low points, when I've felt like I needed to be held. I don't usually like hugging and contact unless I'm really close to someone, so that feeling tells me something about where I'm at. Forget the words even, the music, the sound resonates with me for some reason. One of those things. I like Muse's "Mercy" as well that describes thing well.

Alright, definitely a youtube song then.

I hope your birds are well and enjoyed you staying at home

I'm sorry you're having trouble with your meds. I guess I was lucky. I was on antidepressants at one point, and told they would likely take weeks to improve anything, but they kicked in from the first day I took them. I did get quite bad stomach cramps sometimes while taking them, but not too often and that was the only side effect I noticed. Decent trade- off, in my opinion.

​I'm glad you have a decent boss, and that your input matters at work. Hopefully your offsider will hold it together okay in your absence. All the best with your exam, by the way.

Non-compulsory social interactions are the best kind. I appreciate you making time for me, and this conversation. It's something I value.

"Fix You" is attached to a moment with my ex. We had not long come away from the most harrowing thing to happen in our relationship - the catalyst for my depression, and his. I played the song to him, thinking it a positive thing, and he took it very much out of the intended context; that I thought him broken or not whole, not good enough to forgive as he was, rather than simply in need of healing. He was really hurt and upset. I remember that moment when I hear the song.

I don't know "Mercy", at least not by name. Will look it up at some point. I have so many songs I go to when I'm down. Portal's "The Kingdom" and "Your Kettle" help me. Josh Pyke's "Lighthouse Song", "Eat Me Alive", and "Parking Lots". The night I first posted on Beyond Blue I discovered a band called Gnarl. "Path" and "Sky" particularly spoke to me. Whether you'd like them or not I don't know. For me they are very insightful and lyrically superior to most songs.

Thanks for thinking of my wee birdies. They have had plenty of time out to play. Couldn't have either of them out overnight, though. I let the eldest stay out often, but with tissues up my nose, his first action would be to grab the tissue and fly off with it (not kidding). Not so good for his health.

Hope you're left in peace for once, to study, and that you are in a reasonably good mental space for your exam. You deserve a victory, here.

Another disappearing post; no surprise. If it doesn't turn up before then I'll try again to say good luck with your exam. Also, noticed your comment on my other thread. Sleepy now, so I'll get back to that on the morrow. I'm quite pleased with how well that thread's taken off.

Long (but largely good) day. Early start tomorrow. Just checking in to let you know all is well, and hope yon exam went well. Tired though, gonna watch cartoons for a bit and go to bed. Being intelligent and long winded on the threads here can wait a while longer. At least that big post from last night has turned up.

It's the third set of meds that he's added and increased that's giving me problems. I was told it would subside though, so here's hoping. You know that whole "observing a system, changes the system" concept? I don't know if they are getting worse or because I know that it is happening, is making it worse. I know I feel them more or they affect me more when I am tired and run down or stressed, essentially weaker. They got in the way a bit during the exam when I was trying to draw a graph. Thanks for the well wishes by the way, and checking in. My exam went okay I think. I felt okay when I walked out. There was one question that I couldn't figure out at all, and I am convinced there's a typo because I noticed two others in the paper. I'm still trying to work it out in every conceivable way. I know I have missed out on about 12 marks out of 160 minimum. But, it's okay. The second semester has started so, what's done is done and got to move on. I'm just glad I wasn't as obsessive as I thought I would/have been in the weeks leading up to it. My parents too me to Ikea when all I wanted to do was sleep after. I was actually falling asleep leaning on the trolley. Not a great idea. Suffice it to say I crashed when we finally got back. I slept for 13 hours. I woke up at 9pm with a big headache and that's because I forgot to take my meds on time.

I understand now, about Fix you. I never thought about it meaning the way your ex took it. That's pretty destructive actually.

I have not heard of any of those songs, I'll admit. There is so much variety out there. What genre are those from exactly?

I've come to like your birds, the way you've described them. Shah,they constantly on the hunt for things to nest with.

Hope you've had a good day.

Hm, that's an awful lot of meds. It's a bit of a catch 22 that focusing too much on a side effect can exacerbate it. I do hope they ease up, soon. Doesn't sound like fun at all.

Glad you're feeling okay about your exam. But seriously, I don't blame you for crashing after. Who in their right mind wants to go furniture shopping after something like that? Your folks have some daft ideas. I had a song on in the car on the way home that made me think of you and your folks: "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine (particularly the bit where it extensively repeats "**** you, I won't do what you tell me!".

Yeah, "Fix You" really backfired on me. In hindsight, knowing how worthless he was feeling, I got where he was coming from, but it wasn't at all my intent. I looked up "Mercy", by the way. Not bad at all.

Doesn't surprise me you haven't heard of the songs I mentioned. I usually don't bother talking about my music preferences because I typically just get blank stares. Portal is a Canadian progressive rock band - not exactly heavy, but not exactly light, either. The songs I mentioned touch on themes of economic class and being a tad out of synch with society. Josh Pyke is and Australian folksy type singer. Not my usual style, but he's a master wordsmith, in my opinion. Manages to take the mundane and make it kind of poetic, but with a hint of awkward intellectualism, which suits me perfectly. You'd have to listen to get where I'm coming from on that. And Gnarl is an Indian band. They're kind of a meld of genres, hard to describe. A bit on the heavy side, but really rich in both music an lyrics, in my opinion. Ooh, The Rasmus is another good band. Finnish, and on the heavyish side of rock, a bit emo in lyrics. Was listening to "In the Shadows" on the way home (it has a pretty good clip, too). Sorry, I'll stop bombarding you with music, now. I do know my tastes aren't for everyone.

I'm glad my wee birdies have made an impression. They don't really go looking for things to nest with, but they have plenty of other mischief to get up to. The eldest (and the smaller of the two) will bathe in my hands if I cup them under a running tap, and he did that tonight. Cutest darn thing.

Today was okay. Back to work, started at stupid o'clock, so pretty tired now. I'll get back to that other thread eventually. Not today though, as I have another early and plenty to do before I have to be in bed. Hope today was a better day for you.

Gods, every proper post I make on here lately is taking two years to get through. For what it's worth, I did make the effort. Now we wait.

I took stock of myself this morning, post exam haze...not doing too well 😕

Not good. Do you have a day off, to recover? Rest, good music and pudding, that should help.