Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
Thanks for helping me out tonight...big time...I have a quote that I firmly believe in but rarely place because I save it for people that cant see that I am wearing 'Invisible Crutches'....
"Depression is a serious illness
just like diabetes or heart disease
Expecting positive thinking to cure depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts"
I dont really like plastic messages either...puppies...flowers...and poetic little messages that get sent to me from people that dont really give a flying fat frogs .......
Anyhoo...as Forrest Gump would say....."I'm pretty tired.......might go home now..."
Take care of you Blue
Hey Blue. Damn, you've had a horrible few years there. I can't tell you not to feel guilty for buying those meds, unfortunately, it simply isn't that easy. You've told me before that you have had your reasons and your responsibilities as you have said, they seem of a high enough importance to you for you to keep on keeping on. Whatever those are, that's why you bother. We all have our reasons, and I suppose we have to remind ourselves of that. Irrelevant of how firm our grasp is on them.
I will say that the meds will get rid of the illness so you can work toward getting yourself out of debt, so you don't have to cancel shifts..
I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say really.
Let's go through an exercise where we act out (in our minds) the rage we feel.
For me: Setting is 5.13 AM, I have been studying for approximately 3 hours and I have a full day's work to do in 2 hours, for which, I have to get ready. Meanwhile the people who I want to avoid have organized for someone to come see the sofa bed I have been sleeping on today, just two days before my exam. Meaning I have had to clear away ALL of my notes, just to waste time finding my place again later. Plus, one of them has woken up early meaning I have had an extra hour with her coming in and out of the room when studying. So:
I don't think my thoughts in their entirety would come even close to clearing to be seen on here. In your place, suffice it to say, I would be envisioning a truncheon and a very messy room, in the red kind of way.
My own situation also involves a truncheon. I see it casually held by a police officer, standing quietly to the side of my neighbour, having enacted a wonderful new law requiring him to smash to bits his own sound system in recompense for such misuse. So he does, piece by little piece, with a large hammer, tears streaming down his fat face and his oversized body racked with sobs all the while. So satisfying.
My little rant last night was just that: letting off steam. I am certainly no stranger to financial hardship, nor clawing my way out of it. Those "horrible few years" so far, in fact, count as the most financially successful of my life, not including this year. Go figure. It's tiring though, and I have my moments of anger and indignance, as I'm sure anyone would in my place. It just isn't fitting now that I'm in this position after all the work I've done to keep myself out of it.
To be honest, getting sick has done me a favour, so expensive pills notwithstanding, I get a much-needed time out from work. I'm not happy that I lost those casual hours yesterday, but they were few in number, and neither today nor tomorrow impact me negatively in the hip pocket. So now I've had my little rant and got it out of my system, I can suck it up and keep going, as always. I've overcome far worse, so whilst that doesn't make it suck any less, at least I know I'm able to deal with the financial stuff.
It's more the lack of sleep that's making it a problem, sapping my strength and energy to do what I need to. Used to be, when I had no money, I at least had plenty of sleep and time/energy to do things like cook, to reduce my expenditure, and I could play games or whatever (without having to choose between that or sleep), to alleviate stress. Now, I have neither money nor rest. I have a perfectly good man in my life, too, and I'm too tired to enjoy time with him or so full of stress I'm unloading all that on him instead of having fun. I don't want my depression to poison what good I do have in my life.
I'm working on various factors throwing off the balance in my life, and making a little progress in some areas, it's just so damnably slow and arduous, and I haven't a timeline for the resolution of it all. That I can have my rants in the meantime and you guys are listening does help.
I've seen quotes along those lines a few times, Paul, and I always nod to myself inwardly. It's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks all the hearts and flowers stuff is empty and unhelpful. Hope you got a good sleep.
There is a lot of red...and orange and yellow, whirling together. I've set fire to this place many times in my head. And I set in the middle, like I am in the pupil of the eye of Sauron or something. I do not yet know of I will let the flames consume me or if I will keep myself separate. But I'll let it burn because I am so angry, and so f****** sad, and so f****** tired. I am losing control.
I want to...you know.
It's perfectly understandable that you feel that way. Where you are is representative of so much that is all wrong in your life. Fire is a pretty thorough destructive force, it erases much, and it speaks volumes that you think of fire as the way to go. It's not a bad thing to sometimes let your mind go there and watch it happen. Just admitting to yourself what you want and letting that thought play out is a release in itself. As the song says, "We don't need no water, let the mother****er burn. Burn mother****er, burn."...
I'm going to look that song up.
I love fire, ever since I was a child. My scientific curiosity about fire lead me to physically setting the carpet on fire, by accident though. I just wanted to know.
Yesterday was a bad day. Someone called me out on the tremors in my hands aloud at work. I'd been up since 2. The person who was training me has been sick the entire week, so what was to be taught to me in a month was dumped on my lap and expected to learn it all at once just so we don't get backed up. So, the two newbies are running the show, running to each other and going....what do I do now? it's comical when you look past the stress. My parents yet again were showing their lack of respect for me and yes I hate where I am. I'm studying now. I have no other food in this house that is mine other than the now three pudding cups in the fridge. They will be gone by waking hours.
Where you at? You feeling any better?
I owe you an apology. I've been writing these quick responses to you because I want to let you know I'm still here, but in doing so I talk about myself more...sorry
I wanted to tell you that I am glad for you that (even though it seems slow and tiresome) you are taking steps to put yourself in a better place and it is working and that you are recognizing it. It often feels like trying to "fix" depression is like fixing things up with the right tools but the wrong sizes of those tools. And often, we have to get up right close so you can only see the little increments while everyone else (who is keeping track) can see the progress line. The hardest part, I think, and you have mastered it, is that you are able to believe that you are making progress.
I hope you are feeling better physically so you are in an even better place to tackle that depression and put a mask on it instead as payback.
Sounds like you're going through a pretty intense period at the moment, so I can hardly blame you for being a bit inwardly focused. That you've made the effort to post even so is a mark of consideration in itself, and I appreciate it. If I need more direct interaction, I'll be sure to say so. Yesterday and today at least I've had enough rest to be feeling more like myself. The calm and logic and general neutrality of my natural state are with me at the moment, and so I am better able to see progress.
The song is "Fire Water Burn" by The Bloodhound Gang. Not exactly profound, and what I quoted is the best line it has. It gets trotted out periodically by we jaded grunts at work. As does "It burns, burns, burns, that burning ring of fire", but that's more in the context of unfortunate body functions...
Sorry to hear work is adding to your stress. Always the way, when you've got enough on your plate already. Your situation reminds me of a stretch at work a couple of years back. Somehow it worked out that both my manager and the second in charge were on holiday at the same time. I and a colleague were both experienced with most of what needed doing and could run things okay, except neither of us had done an order before, and hadn't been trained. We had a couple of sketchy notes to work with, and that was it.
In context, your whole day is either made or broken by an order: too little, there's nothing on the shelves, too much and it takes forever to fill it, leaving no time for everything else and with limited space out the back, it can make things pretty chaotic. Trying to get it right, we took too long and our first order got in late. The distribution centre didn't accept the order and decided for themselves what to send us. It was an absolute disaster. At this point we were also making first impressions on our new boss (thankfully a fairly good-humoured sort of fellow). So yeah, I have some idea of what you're going through. I hope things start to ease up for you, soon.
I am, fortunately, no longer requiring tissues to be stuffed up my nose. Still a bit run down, but overall a lot better than I was and glad of the time off work, even if I did have to be the Boogie Monster for it (blame my manager for that dad joke; he was quite amused with himself). I don't think I'll bother putting a mask on my depression. That's giving it too much attention. Feeding it. It can just sit in its corner, disregarded, and so much the better if it dies.