Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
Today is day one.
Captain's log; Earth day 26 May in the year 2016...
All is quiet around me. The air is cold, very cold...which is strange because, I'm in the desert. Is this place inhabited? Will my noise stir some aggressive or, passive aggressive natives? One must try.
I'm glad you are feeling better.
Paul, did you own a motorcycle?
I'm sorry I've been silent. I'm also sorry to hear you're getting sick. Or, you are actually sick. Sounds like a stabilized mood. Or you're able to feel miserable in the "normal people" way.
My plan only goes well if I take my meds at the right time. And I'm still crashing physically and emotionally every three days so...I've had two productive days out of 4. 50% isn't bad considering I was 0% not too long ago. But, it is crunch time now, so, I better remember. I can't get over how long a day feels when you're up at 2, even if it ends at 6.30, because by lunch time it feels you should be going home. It's also getting to be that, that one hour overlap is too much for me as well. And the weekends are unbearable. I have cabin fever, and all I want to do is drink it away. And have pudding. I've had a lot of pudding.
I hope you feel better soon. How long have you been on antibiotics for? You may need to change them if you don't notice an improvement for a while but, antibiotics are a bit of a dangerous thing. Only a bit though.
I am sorry I have been silent. Just trying to keep it together. My parents have the Friday and Saturday after my exam fully planned and I don't want to spend such a concentrated time with them. It is worse than the thought of that exam.
No need to apologise. Haven't exactly been active on the threads lately, myself. Just wondered how you were doing.
I've gone from getting sick to proper sick. Very long shift today, and I was getting worse and worse as the day went on. Really shouldn't have been there. If sick leave covered penalty rates I wouldn't have been, but I kinda want to eat next week. As for those casual hours I can't particularly afford to lose tomorrow, I think they're not going to be happening. Can't work with fresh food in this condition (my manager was happily calling me the Boogie Monster, today, and it was quite apt). I've coughed up stupid amounts of money this week on pharmaceuticals.
I've been on the antibiotics since Tuesday. Symptoms are somewhat better, but still not gone. And I'll need a sick certificate if I can't work tomorrow, in any case. Universe is insisting I get my **** to the doctor. I suppose the systematic failure of my body is the inevitable result of the failures in my mind, and I should probably cough up once more for the decent doctor not the useless bulk billed one, and address this damned depression on a medical level. Can't afford to, of course. Can't afford not to. Go figure.
I suppose my mood is closer to "normal people" miserable than it was, but probably only because I'm too damn tired for the emotions to be in higher gear. It's a brief reprieve, I'm sure, not that I don't value it.
Yeah, 50% success is definitely better than none, even if it still doesn't feel great. Set a reminder for your meds, if you don't already. Unless you're like me and defer reminders because they pop up at inconvenient moments, and manage to forget things anyway. I still set them, but... 50% success rate.
I know what you mean about how long the day feels when you get up that early. My first alarm goes off at 3:30am (I usually manage to respond to it by 4), and if I haven't managed to sneak in a nap (which is often, thanks to the noise maker across the road) the day really drags on. I understand the cabin fever, as well. In the periods where I prioritise getting enough rest, the schedule I'm on means no life and no time out and about, and it gets old damn fast. Then I go looking for company, and can only have it if I trade it for sleep. No balance at all.
We can take sick days from work, maybe you can take a sick day from family...? Cough, cough. 😉
Well, I am one of not many words. I have learned many interesting things today. That you, Blue, like Garak as a character makes sense to me. And I love it when people say positive quotes annoy them, because they are just so annoying.
I was interested in the different ways we view depression, is it a companion or something else? I've been wondering if it is just the base code of the universe, like some kind of entropy, but that seems to entail it being something that is necessary and I am not ready for that idea to be true yet.
I am glad you've learned some interesting things (and dropped in to tell me). I find learning more satisfying than just about anything. I'm also delighted that you know where my quote came from. Garak is great. He's so cynical and full of surprises. Can't say I'd want someone so morally ambiguous around me, but in a character it's quite enjoyable to watch.
As for the positive quotes, I dislike them because for the most part they ring hollow and false to me. The places you see them, on Friendface or calendars or little books filled with pictures of puppies, they're just for show. I doubt the people who put them out there take them to heart or live by them or even give them much thought after that brief moment of "aw", or "look how inspiring I am, posting this". And let's face it, I'm not exactly a positive thinker. Reality has a gritty, dirty, ugly side, and the whole positive thinking movement seems to just gloss over that instead of properly addressing it. That's what makes me so mad.
Interesting idea, depression being the base code of the universe. In and of itself, I wouldn't say that's true, but in terms of it being a form of adversity, it probably is. In all things, there is adversity. From the life and death of each organism, to the intricacies of our personal stories, our favourite fictional tales, everything. We don't learn or grow or change without challenge, and for some of us, that challenge (or one of them) is depression. Necessary in terms of being a thing to defeat, to learn from, to challenge and change us. Not necessary as a way of life or a thing that has to conquer us. Frankly, bollocks to that, I have no intention of being conquered. I have better things to do.
Not having the best night, tonight. Worrying about the expense of all the pharmaceuticals I've had to buy this week, mostly. In my current situation, I can barely cover the basics, never mind any little surprises like this. It's not unusual for work to drop off at this time of year, but where I had a healthy safety net for that sort of thing not so long ago, I no longer do. Splitting with the ex was financially crippling for me. I had thousands put aside for (hardy har) an overseas holiday and to absorb any rough patches. By the end of settlement on the house... $6.50 of that remained.
About four years worth of trying to plan that holiday, and each one of those years massive financial disasters. Car crash, about $2K. Bathroom pluming was completely ****ed, $8K to fix it (not that much of which was the bit of extra work done to remodel it a bit). Hot water system discovered its true calling was to be a fountain, $4K between getting a new one and paying off the massive water/power bills that came from it. I joked at the time that the next disaster would hit me for $20K. Well, about double that is what I got. No more savings, and some extra debt to play with. **** having a holiday, **** paying your bills, **** eating out occasionally, basically **** living life in general.
Considering the appalling situations I've been in before re money, and how damn hard I worked to turn that around, to eliminate my debt and save for the betterment of my life, and actual enjoyment now and then, here I am once more feeling almost guilty for buying ****ing medicine. I tried so hard to get on top of things, and at every turn I got knocked down. And here I am, back on the starting blocks. Why the **** do I bother?