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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

2,142 Replies 2,142

Every 3 days...crash crash crash

Well, I wrote a reply I didn't have the energy to write, and forum ****ed itself and decided to make me log in again, losing the post altogether so far as I can tell. Too exhausted to try again. Take some time to look after yourself and get some rest. That's what I'm going to do.

I need to vent, I hope you don't mind...

Let's put aside the fact that after this big internal struggle, I tell my parents that I have depression, and they selectively choose to forget it so that anytime anything about it is brought up (eg. psych visits), they are at first confused then surprised each time. So bringing it up, or any symptoms, like insomnia is like explaining a definition of a word to someone by using that same word; redundant and futile.

I also told them that I have had trouble concentrating on my studies, and since this new job, have logistically, less time to actually study anyway, and that I am behind on the work (considering my exam is next week and I'm still trying to finish the last topic). This is supposed to be something tangible for them. I have explained to them time and again that when you are trying to study, or are even succeeding, that the smallest disruption might mean that you can lose concentration, and please try not to. They say okay, but what they are really saying is a big f you I'll do what I want. Because all I get it is constant interruption. I actually got so angry last night I couldn't concentrate on anything. Just went to sleep so I could wake up at 3 am to study because at least I know they aren't awake...

Mum and dad come home from doing their groceries, and mum comes into the room just to say hi, sees me studying and tells me she'll leave me lone. I literally had just started studying, she didn't know, okay. Not 10 minutes later she walks in and stands right up close to me until I pay her attention so she can ask me my opinion on the design of a card she's making, which she knows I have never shown any interest or opinion on, and all I could says was "are you serious right now" in utter disbelief. And all she can say is "it's okay, a small break is okay, can't help this, I have to ask, can't help." She effing chose to come in!!! Gah! and worst of all? I had asked her why she just doesn't ask dad, and she did, but didn't like his opinion because it didn't agree with hers.

Such disrespect. They just assume I will do well and there's no effort involved. Like it's just a given, like this depression isn't making me suffocate and have such conflict because I want to do well and I also want to give up.I honeslty don't how much more of this I can take..

Also, thanks for taking the time to reply even though you were tired. I know it didn't show up, but I still appreciate the effort.

I understand your frustration very well. Though I haven't had the same troubles with studying (I lived alone when I was doing that), I know what it's like to meet that sort of slack-jawed ignorance over something that seems so elementary. In my case it was things like the cleaning, with the ex undoing it and constantly adding to it, or like making noise all night when I had to be up early (after losing his **** at me for the very same thing, though at least I'd tried to be quiet).

Can you lock your door? Or jam a chair against it? Might give your mum the idea you don't want her in there when you're studying. Seems the respectful approach isn't working.

My night really didn't go according to plan. Slept for all of a few minutes, got up feeling sick. Had to call a locum and get the day off work in the end, so I did get my rest belatedly.

I just decided to switch my day around. Sleep early, get up early and the day will end with my job. That way, no one is awake when I am. I'll see them the bare minimum and I'll have some peace.

just....trying...to...say....hello.........cant keep door....open.....

Love you guys

Paulxx

Also, how self centred of me. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling ill...not the best circumstances to get some rest. Hope you feel better soon

Hey Paul 🙂

Switching your day around sounds like a good plan. Hope it succeeds in reducing your stress. Oh, and don't worry, I'm feeling mostly better already. It's an infection, and antibiotics are mercifully quick acting.

Hey, Paul, glad you dropped in. Loving the new profile pic, by the way.