Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

What you described doesn't sound like pride at all, Joelle, it sounds like insecurity. Someone who is secure in themselves and genuinely proud of their achievements/kids/sports team/whatever doesn't need to berate or belittle or disrespect anyone. It takes a small, petty, fearful mindset to make someone lash out that way to feel good, and it's doubtful they do actually feel good.

I've seen time and again people feeling inadequate and powerless refusing to take responsibility for themselves, their feelings and actions and failures, trying to pull others down to feel as small as they do. I have been subject to that sort of behaviour myself. Sadly I've never seen someone who thinks like this change or grow. They tend to alienate themselves and become very unhealthy and just blame everyone else.

Just try and remember that 98% of how others treat you has nothing to do with you. It's all about them. Their experience, their perceptions and feelings and filters. That doesn't make it fun to deal with, but it helps to understand that it's not so much you they're belittling as themselves. If they put a huge amount of pressure on you, it's possibly because they see you as their creation, something they can control, that might just make them look good in the ways they want to look good when they couldn't do it for themselves.

I'm going to take a wild guess that your parents are living lives doing what they think they're supposed to, instead of what makes them happy.

Back to the anger (I think I will start that thread, when I'm less tired), I'm not sure boiling rage is any better for you than my habit of hitting mute, but in both cases we feel what we feel, and finding a healthy outlet is the main thing. Both can be pretty destructive, without that. Hoping that thread will yield some good ideas when it gets going.

I was still up so late partly because I finished work a bit late, partly because my shoulder was hurting, and party because I get distracted easily. Hey, that dog has a puffy tail. Here Puff! Hehehe!

[lookingforme]

You know, part of me is like, she's talking about your parents, insulting them, stick up for them. But mostly, you're right. They think they're innocent in all the demolition that follows them. If they think they have the upper hand, they think they've won. It's not the kind of pride based on achievements, it's the kind of pride where their dignity is at stake. Or, they think it is. Appearing weak affects that, hence the non-acknowledgement of my depression or anyone else's. Yup, controlling people. All Sri Lankans are though, part of the culture. And yea, my parents did that. Couldn't afford to go to school past grade 9 or 10, so straight to work. I will give them their credit, they worked hard and got to give me and my brother education

I defend them because they are my parents, you know? Love them but would never choose to be their friend.

I'll be keeping a lookout for that thread.

Fluffy tails are an excellent excuse to stay up

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I certainly won't criticise you for defending your parents. I don't share my mum's Christian faith, but there's something to some of her favourite phrases, one being "hate the sin, love the sinner". I know your parents for the negative consequences their actions have had on your life, and my role is to help you through that. You, on the other hand, know them as whole people with personal histories and cultural influences and I would hope a few positive traits, and I'm glad you acknowledge those things as well as the bad stuff. Truth is seldom black and white.

I would like to believe that we're all built with something to contribute, and the potential for redemption when we don't live up to that. As individuals, we have a choice in those things. Sounds like your folks have fortitude and stubbornness and a solid work ethic that could be put to better uses than they sometimes are.

You haven't mentioned your brother before. He's the one person who has seen what you've been through, and likely experienced similar. I hope you have a good relationship with him, as a sibling is perhaps the best support you can have in such matters.

Chance for a nap, now (albeit not at home). Gonna take it.

[lookingforme]

The ratio is definitely skewed from my point of view. I actually want to just have my distance. Don't need to associate with them at all, no matter how cold that sounds, or ungrateful It is what it is. Their grip is too tight on me. Maybe, once I get that distance, the good would be more clear. Different perspective and all that.

I believe that we do all have something to contribute, and that includes the bad stuff. If we didn't have the bad, we couldn't recognize good. Generally, we judge something based on its opposite, and then we give it magnitude. Depression sort of screws with this balance. I believe, also, that for redemption to take place, a sort of forgiveness has to take place, whether to yourself or to others. I get caught in this, because I don't knw how to forgive myself for the things I have done to myself. I have also actually blamed myself for having depression, like I consciously made the decision to be depressed or stay that way. It's ridiculous, I know, but I know it separate to myself. The knowledge is there, the practice isn't. That's where the disconnect is. My counsellor is trying to help me move away from the self blame. She actually pointed it out to me, that I do blame myself, and then I really thought about it. I did it without knowing. I always hold myself accountable for the things that happen to me, so why not depression?

I agree about my parents. But, it's too late to change them as they are convinced that they cannot.

My brother is another individual who I wanted to get away from, now that I have, it's a much better relationship. We talk maybe once every couple of weeks via text. About geeky stuff really. We can geek out. That's what we have. But, he was treated differently to me by my parents. Was favoured. They say no, but I noticed it as a child even, and still notice it. I always used to complain as a child that everyone in the house hated me, and I would fantasize about being anywhere. And I didn't even have a place because what do you know of the world at 4 or 5 or even 15? I was constantly mocked because I kept voicing it. Now nothing comes out and they can't stand the silence, but it's the only way I survive, barely. I will say that he does realise that my parents' form of support is retroactive. Prove it to them first then they'll say they always supported your decisions.

I'm making my way through some choc pudding while contemplating study or sleep...oh the decisions...

[lookingforme]

I've decided that there isn't enough pudding...

[Clues_Of_Blue]

It does sound like distance from your parents is the safest thing for you. Their actions have negatively impacted on your life and clearly continue to do so. Staying in a situation like that will hamper your healing and possibly muddy your perspective. I hope that distance can give you the respite you need and maybe even improve your relationship a bit, as it has with your brother.

I kind of understand what you're saying about forgiving yourself. I'm perhaps not quite as hard on myself as you are, but in moving forward I frequently get angry with myself for not doing better with my depression when I know I've been putting in the hard yards to improve it. Like you I take responsibility for my actions and my emotions, and it's hard to accept that depression isn't something entirely in my control. Knowing that and feeling it definitely aren't the same thing.

I'm sorry you were subject to unequal treatment by your parents. That can be hard on a sibling relationship. There was a bit of that for my siblings and I, too. Dad is very old school in his thinking about male and female roles. My siblings and I are not. At all. Whilst I was the one keen to drive and work and things like that, it was my brother (who wasn't interested or especially competent) he invited to go and work on the farm with him for a bit, and it was my brother he bought a car (though he didn't want to drive and years later still doesn't), while I was only told condescendingly "a motor car's a big responsibility" when I told him I was getting my licence. That sort of thing has been really frustrating, but we thankfully were able to set aside parental attitudes when relating to each other, and over the years Dad has watched me get where I'm going in spite of his attitude, and I think is growing to respect me in his own way. Sadly I think my sister was much more sensitive to the lack of support and still doesn't drive or work or have much confidence to do those things, though there are signs she wants to do both. I encourage her as much as I can.

...And is there ever enough pudding? Nay, methinks not. Sticky date for me, or rice pudding.

[lookingforme]

Pudding is great...might get me some more.

Distance is definitely the safest for me, but it won't happen for a year max (I hope). So, I'm trying to stay sane and safe in the mean time...though it seems to get harder every day.

I know I'm hard on myself...I don't know how to stop, I don't know if I want to because it's the thing that pushes me to keep trying for things that I want, and on good days, I can achieve a lot. But, with the forgiveness...I don't know how to forgive self abuse in all the forms they took, because each time it was a choice (though it felt like I didn't have any). I let it get out of control. The counter argument is that my brain didn't develop proper coping mechanisms, culminating in that behaviours, or the depression did it, which means I don't have control. Which one is worse? You know?

I'm sorry you went through that as well, but I'm glad your siblings don't thinkin that way. And the fact that you have accomplished things in spite of the discrimination, it's a testament to your character nd perseverance. Things that can help to remember when you feel depressed. I'm sorry that your sister feels stuck though. You're a good sis to encourage her.

My brother comes to my aid sometimes, but he doesn't treat me as his equal, which is why I couldn't handle it. Actually, after formally leaving Aus last year,I visited in Jan, that's when the slippery slope of depression started up again this year, because I thought I was doing okay before this point. The day we landed (because we went back to the homeland for Christmas and I went back to Aus with the bro), he sighed this huge sigh of relief saying he as so glad he didn't have to deal with the parents anymore, and that set it off. Just the thought of it for another year brought me so down. Then I realised that except for the three friends that I ended up with after filtering it down through the years, everyone else there who knew the both us; family and family friends, they all knew me in relation to him. Like I wasn't even my own person. Even at my cousin's wedding, she met her husband at a party that we both held. And in that ceremony he was the only one mentioned, his party at his house when they met. That hurt. They met again at his dad's party, and then at his mum's party. Etc. I felt like I didn't exist. And now that I'm here and don't know anyone, I'm practically confirming it everyday.

My counsellor is sick and couldn't chat, and I needed it. Always the bad timing.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

What I read in that is that you do have three friends who know you as an individual. That's valuable. As the youngest sibling I was always the one known by association with my siblings, as well. But over time I just got about my business and asserted myself and my own identity without worrying about where my siblings fit in. I met various of my sister's old friends later on in life, and... one of them is now my bestie and has been for some 20 years. I know it can be hard to let go of that feeling of being no-one, but it's so freeing when you realise that the ones that don't see you as you don't even matter.

I'm sorry your counsellor wasn't available to chat. Doubly so that I'm in a bit of a rush and can't make this quite the lengthy, well thought out post I'd like to. Just remember you do exist, you are someone, and very much your own individual. Personally, I think you're great. Will check in throughout the day, when I can.

[lookingforme]

Thanks for replying even though you're in a rush, I truly appreciate it.

I do have three people who know me. And or of them who I'm super close to. One upset me really badly two days before I left, and one has always been in and out of my life. But, I still feel grateful, at least for that one. I don't know, I just feel really lonely with the distance.

I'm only just getting used to seeing myself as an individual, as myself. For all my faults and my mental health, whatever. I think I only started seeing that I was one about 2 years ago, max, because I never felt that I was living this life for me. But making my decisions on my own and just letting people know and catch up if they wanted, family included really helps me. I don't think I would have survived this long if I wasn't changing my mindset. And I guess that's where the depression happening irrelevant of that kinda kicks you in the teeth, gets harder and harder to understand the more your life is getting on track. But, I am changing. I can tell you my family hates the new me, maybe because they are understanding that I don't need them or their opinions.

I've always been independent but, I would consider them too much in my decisions. Just the way I was brought up, never understood it, but thought it was my duty. I'm sure I would feel liberated if I wasn't feeling trapped and secluded...and have this depression thing.

I think you're pretty great too, you give me space to ramble, plus you like pudding. Can't find fault in that.

I exist and I'm an individual. I think I'll keep telling myself in the mornings.

You made me smile, thank you.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad I could make you smile, and I'm glad you're making som progress with seeing yourself as an individual. Thankfully that's something I never struggled with, but I do understand the thing about giving others a bit too much consideration in your decisions. I guess I've done a bit of that.

Sorry that you're struggling with your friends being so distant. Some of my friends and family are only an hour away, and with my horrid schedule and so little money for fuel ​they may as well be across the world for how often I see them. It sucks.

Should probably stop being anti-social, now. Waiting on dinner (which happily shall include pudding). Cheerio for now.