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Chris_B PLEASE READ: What this forum is for (trigger warning advisory)
  • replies: 2

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other to... View more

The threads in this section have been created by longer-term community members, and have evolved over time into rich, complex discussions about many aspects of living with a mental health condition. They were originally started in one of our other topic sections, and have migrated here once reaching the milestone of 100 posts in order to allow members to keep following the life story being shared as it happens day to day. This is not a place to start new threads - discussions here have reached a sufficient level of popularity and depth that they have been moved here by moderators. Long-term support here on the forums is defined in terms of receiving that support here in this space, which is why we have chosen the 100-post milestone to select threads that will appear here. Our research tells us that 55% of our members have been living with a mental health condition for ten years or more, so long-term support in the real world will not be a strange concept to many of you. If you're seeking long-term support on your journey, we'd encourage you to start a new thread in the section that best suits where you are at this point. Making a commitment to daily posting and supporting others will eventually see your thread join the wonderful stories here in this section. A few important points to note: 1. The "new thread" button has been disabled for this section - if you click on it, you will be redirected to the beyondblue home page. 2. Please be aware that threads in this section may contain discussion of suicide, self-harm, sexual abuse, domestic abuse and other trauma-related topics. 3. Threads in this section may be archived periodically (locked or unpublished) at the discretion of moderators.

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james1 I don't know what to say
  • replies: 252

Hello everyone,I don't really know what to say.I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times i... View more

Hello everyone,I don't really know what to say.I'm not looking for advice, I'm just looking for a place to say something/anything.You may have read some of my other posts, but the summary of me is: 24 years old, suffered from depression a few times in my life, suicidal thoughts each time, currently dealing with a relationship breakdown two months ago and symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and the depression and anxiety's come back as a result.I don't know what keeps tripping me up but I constantly land back at the bottom of this mountain.I've been writing poems, here's one because I don't know what else to say. I hope it's not too dark. Steady drumsHe cowers among shadows in a sacred hall,Beneath the gaze of saints gone by,Who condemn his long unrelenting fallInto cold black dreams where his demons fly.Day brings back the spindly clawsOf imps that crawl from beneath his bed;they hook like leeches into all his flawsand drink through fangs until they are fed.Gorging and gurgling - the demons grow boldAnd spin bloody chambers around his heartWhich beats like a drum dressed in gold,Sold to the devil who will never depart.The chambers burst and hellhounds are looseThey rage inside and reek abuse.The drums beat louder and echo in his headThey rupture his veins until he is bled.He is only a man with a dying light,A candle which burns yet flickers with fight,“What more do you want?” he cries aloud,“Your hope; your dreams.” The man is cowed.And yet while the flame can still flicker,And his lips still quiver, gasping for life,The drums will beat no slower, no quicker,Until he is safe from this strife.

christacat alone and hated
  • replies: 148

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skill... View more

I am 35 and possibly suffer undiagnosed depression and anxiety, possibly also autisim or asbergers (dont trust doctors or GPS so can't get an official diagnose). Have been told I need meds (too scared to take them), have anger issues, no social skills, am dumb and stupid, hard on myself, obsessive as well. Have had conselling on and off, haven;t seen one since 2009 after I had a panic attack/meltdown.(she didn't help at all,just smirked at me) I don't fit in or belong anywhere. All through out primary school and high school, I was bullied alot and got into trouble alot too. I had the odd friend here and there, but no one I could connect to. Would try different hobbies-as i got told by consellors I had back then- but got teased for them and never found anyone on the same wavelength....it is the same today. No matter which site I go to for people who share my interests, or a group in 'real life' I never fit in, am the butt of everyone's jokes, anyone I reach out to just rejects and uses me. Then comes the 'teasing' over my hobbies and interests, that I am obsessive, that my hobbies suck. I had to leave a web site I was at for nearly four years-was just sick of the constant rejection from others and never felt like I fitted in and used by everyone who i thought liked me.. Now yet again I have nowhere else to go and feel lost, losing interest in things, because what's the point? I had no one to share them with. I got slagged off for them all the time, I tried to take pride in them and liked myself, not caring what others think but I still don't have anyone to connect to, I don't get along with my own age group either, especially with people I work with, they just go on about parties and drinking and barely notice I am around. I am at a lost at what to do anymore. I worry so much over this, I barely leave the house sometimes (I dont see the point, i have no one to hang out with and i just get teased for being wierd) and feel suicidal on and off. , please don't suggest conselling or meetups.com (had a panic attack two years ago before I was meant to go to a meetup, now the group wants nothing to do with me) or meds.

livm88 Relationship worries (from a person who worries a lot!)...is he losing interest?
  • replies: 110

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every... View more

I'm in my first ever relationship (he is too), that started at the end of July this year (so a bit over 4 months now). He's 25, i'm 28. It started out very strong, he really pursued me (asked me out, arranged all the dates, called and texted me every day, including selfies and funny pics, we'd have 30 min phone conversations). After two months we even went away together during the week for the night (which was great). Everything seemed so romantic then, but not long after this he got a second job, working 7 days a week with the two jobs (including early mornings and nights). He has admitted he loves to work and if he has free time he will find work to do because he doesn't like the way he thinks/his mind wanders if he does nothing. So I started to adapt to this, and not expect as many calls/communication etc. We still see each other at least 2-3 times a week, sometimes even 5 times on odd weeks. We usually go somewhere to walk and eat pizza, like the beach (which I like), then Saturday night might spend the night at one of each other's houses. We seem to move pretty quickly with everything, including his suggestion that I could live with him. The problem with this is, he lives with two Indian couples (he is Indian also), they're all from the same region, and while they can speak ok English, when i'm there I feel he doesn't make enough effort to speak English, and it makes me uncomfortable, sitting in silence while they rattle off in their language (which is not Hindi.....so learning that would be practically pointless, even though they do know it). I've told him a few times how I feel and this is why i'm not sure about moving in with him, but his response is always that I have to learn Hindi then it will be much easier and that I have to try things to know if they'll work or not. A similar issue has been occurring lately though...many times when he asks me out, he later sends a message after i've said yes that one of the couples are coming too. Last time this happened, the three of them all spoke in their language most of the time, only speaking token remarks or questions in English to me. I was most annoyed by my boyfriend, who I felt ignored by that day. Also, while we're alone but in public, he packs on the PDA, but when we're with this couple he backs off (even though they're openly affectionate). He seems to love me, when we're together he shares everything, but I'm starting to wonder if he's begun taking me for granted? Thanks a lot

1113 LONG TERM SUPPORT PEER GROUP
  • replies: 41

Hi all, I haven't formally meet anyone yet. I was going to go through ever thread to introduce my self but instead came up with this peer group thread. "a group of people, usually of similar age, background, and social status, with whom a person asso... View more

Hi all, I haven't formally meet anyone yet. I was going to go through ever thread to introduce my self but instead came up with this peer group thread. "a group of people, usually of similar age, background, and social status, with whom a person associates and who are likely to influence the person's beliefs and behavior." Seeing as we are all in the same thread area I think that makes us suitable for peer status. A place to get to know each other in a safe calm environment. It would be preferable if poster are from the "long term support over the journey" but I won't object to others posting. Please chat............I'll leave it open. Peace Matt.

Navy_Blue Am I man enough?
  • replies: 108

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operationa... View more

This is a really uncomfortable subject for me to be raising, one that I have drafted and deleted time and time again after only joining the BB site.As mentioned in my first and only thread I have been diagnosed with PTSD through a military operational triggering event.I have since realised that I have suffered depression and anxiety for 8 years prior to the diagnosis.I am 40 years old and am currently recovering from my second total hip replacement.I am married with 3 kids (6,4 and 2).Whilst I have opened up about my PTSD through this forum,there are other things going on in my mind (likely connected to the PTSD) that I need to get off my chest but feel so embarrassed and fear judgement in doing so.I have discussed this topic with my wife and whilst I do believe her response,I still have self doubt over her overall truthfulness-in her trying not to hurt me further.This is more likely my depression stopping me from seeing her truth,yet I am still suffering deeply with a lack of self confidence regardless of what she tells me.With all that has happened after my PTSD I don't feel like a strong man to her and now doubt I ever was even before.By this I mean physically more so than emotionally.We have been married now 12 years and I know she had a lot of partners before me and as a result of my PTSD,subsequent depression and recent hip surgeries I have zero self confidence in being her man.Without embarrassing myself to tears I feel inadequate in all departments of being a man anymore.I feel I fail her as a man both physically and mentally. Mentallly comparing myself to what my wife's previous partners must've been like and the thought that I am nowhere near the man she had or wants is killing me.Before spilling my guts to her quite unintentionally I spent months without sleep,having horrible thoughts and visualisations-this all on top of fighting daily triggers and flashbacks of my PTSD.I am on ADs and seeking therapy for my PTSD,however this other somewhat embarrassing issue is really crushing me and it is something I find hard to raise in discussions with my wife again or even begin to talk to with my therapist-due to the fear of ridicule,embarrassment or the fact of being seen pathetic.Help,advice really needed. Ta.

Guest_08B8CB20 (Trigger warning) PTSD after being stabbed
  • replies: 227

I feel after i was stabbed nearly 1year ago in the chest heart arterie severed , punctured left lung ,fractured rib rushed to icu injuries were life threatening,i am struggling to deal with life i live in constant fear especially around people i publ... View more

I feel after i was stabbed nearly 1year ago in the chest heart arterie severed , punctured left lung ,fractured rib rushed to icu injuries were life threatening,i am struggling to deal with life i live in constant fear especially around people i public i have no family support but do have friends but i feel a burden to them all, the flashbacks are out off control especially when sleeping,i dont no what to do i dont have the desire to do much in life anymore i seam to have lost interest in working hobbies even going for a surf i have 4weeks left at were im staying now and the time has come for me to ask for help as i put on a brave face but deep down im feel broken, what do you suggest would be something that could help me with dealing with this nighmare i deal with everynight i go to sleep

lookingforme Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
  • replies: 168

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and ... View more

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label. Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed, Any help is appreciated. Joelle

Zetta UPDATED: I just feel alone and lost in a new world I don't like
  • replies: 125

Hi everyone, I just want to introduce myself. I went to the Dr today and he prescribed me my medication. I'll be starting the journey to a more positive outlook soon. I just feel soo lost and confused. My husband and I have had a pretty hard week thi... View more

Hi everyone, I just want to introduce myself. I went to the Dr today and he prescribed me my medication. I'll be starting the journey to a more positive outlook soon. I just feel soo lost and confused. My husband and I have had a pretty hard week this week as I told him something that changed everything for us. A secret I held for a long time. And he's not talking to me much. I just feel alone and lost in a new world I don't like. It's just all soo confusing.

Doolhof FESTIVE SEASON STRUGGLES
  • replies: 244

Season's Greetings everyone. We have a lovely cheery Christmas and New Years thread started up in the Social Zone. Hope you can drop by there and share some joy and happiness. This is the alternate thread, where you can share the not so pleasant memo... View more

Season's Greetings everyone. We have a lovely cheery Christmas and New Years thread started up in the Social Zone. Hope you can drop by there and share some joy and happiness. This is the alternate thread, where you can share the not so pleasant memories of Christmas or the concerns you may have for Christmas 2016. For me, my depressive brain decides to hassle me about Christmas in November! That is so unnecessary! I need to break this habit! So on this thread you can share the negative and hopefully find a positive at the end. You might like to share what the worst present was that you ever received, or how sad and miserable you are at Christmas. By sharing, we may well be able to help and support each other through a time that can be very tough for some. This is the place to vent, the thread on the Social Zone is also waiting for you to add your happy thoughts and memories of Christmas and New Years. Thinking of you all, hugs from Mrs. Dools

GuestYD BPD
  • replies: 167

Hi all i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant. i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea ... View more

Hi all i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant. i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive. I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team. I fear that my Dr will abandon me. i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there