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BeyondBlue Welcome, read this if it's your first time here !
  • replies: 0

Hey there! This section is where you can find many of the longer conversations that are happening on the Forums. It is a special place for people who have been sharing and supporting each other for years. We know that our mental health can be a journ... View more

Hey there! This section is where you can find many of the longer conversations that are happening on the Forums. It is a special place for people who have been sharing and supporting each other for years. We know that our mental health can be a journey with ups and downs. Take a look through these longer conversations and you can see how supportive, validating and kind this community can be. It can be tricky to join an ongoing conversation but please feel free to contribute. You are the expert in what has worked for you and what you are living with. We want to hear about it, and these wonderful discussions are only ever richer for what you can add. There are a few tips for this section of the Forums that might be helpful Have a good read. These are long and in-depth conversations so before you step in, have a read of a few posts to get a sense of the space. It is not a great spot for New Topics. Replies are very welcome, but if you want to start something fresh try another section of the Forums. Thanks for your understanding, we want to hear what you think of these conversations and look forward to your contributions. Thanks Beyond Blue

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Matchy69 how do i stop crying
  • replies: 795

I feel so alone,i dont have many friends or anyone who wants to know what i am going through.I just find my self just breaking down and crying.I just want some one to listen and not to judge me.

I feel so alone,i dont have many friends or anyone who wants to know what i am going through.I just find my self just breaking down and crying.I just want some one to listen and not to judge me.

Kazzl This bipolar life
  • replies: 11044

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are. Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wro... View more

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are. Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live. Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play. Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage. Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide. Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die. I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people! Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium. So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves. I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here. BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay! Love Kaz

Clues_Of_Blue Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
  • replies: 2284

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances... View more

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping). Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today. I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

Ggrand Alone..Depressed..Sad..
  • replies: 5756

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my o... View more

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

CMF Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
  • replies: 5512

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days... View more

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks: Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up; Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career. Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby How i feel now: Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year? If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick. Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy? I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options. I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children. I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to. Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore. I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have. Thanks for reading cmf x

MM15 Terminated from work
  • replies: 2

High stress role that eventually became too much led to long term depression and anxiety. After utilising all my sick leave (5 months) and having had a medical review which concluded I wasn’t ready to return, I was terminated by work. I ended up putt... View more

High stress role that eventually became too much led to long term depression and anxiety. After utilising all my sick leave (5 months) and having had a medical review which concluded I wasn’t ready to return, I was terminated by work. I ended up putting in a late general protections claim but couldn’t manage it and bailed out early. Work objected to the delay brought in an external legal team and it became expensive and far too stressful. Income protection has started, which I am thankful for. Am wondering if I should look at work cover. how stressful is all this?

Geniue Mental health
  • replies: 1

Hi its Geniue here i haven't posted anything for a long time. But I'm glad I'm back. I'm very passionate about the work that Beyond Blue does because it's close to home for me. I guess for me when someone goes through immense struggles at such a very... View more

Hi its Geniue here i haven't posted anything for a long time. But I'm glad I'm back. I'm very passionate about the work that Beyond Blue does because it's close to home for me. I guess for me when someone goes through immense struggles at such a very young age it makes you wonder how on earth you can survive something like that and that is my story. For myself I was dealing with such incredible adversity still growing still trying to figure out who I was and I was heavily compounded with things that someone at a young age should never have to go through little loan experience. How does someone navigate there way through that but somehow that's what I did. I just want to say WE ARE NOT VICTIMS we are actually SURVIVORS of other people's bad choices. It never was bout us for the people out there who can relate to my story but everything to do with them. Please takecare and know this you are beautiful and deserving of all the wonderful things life has to offer. Because now I truly know that within my heart and soul. Don't let anyone take that special person that is in you away. Because it is there I found myself and I know you can too. Thankyou

QldMouse Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?
  • replies: 313

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advi... View more

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice. Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day. Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself. I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband. The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive. My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really. I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell? Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

Saree_p Really struggling
  • replies: 1086

Hi All, This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do. Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not ... View more

Hi All, This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do. Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop. I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice. I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc. Sorry

ChrissyStar Animal cruelty, climate change, monoculture...the list goes on.
  • replies: 231

I feel hopeless and have decided not to have children because of the state of the world (why would I wish to bring a child into this when I myself, do not like to live here?). Does anyone else feel the same?

I feel hopeless and have decided not to have children because of the state of the world (why would I wish to bring a child into this when I myself, do not like to live here?). Does anyone else feel the same?