- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Long-term support over the journey
- Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so ...
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.
Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.
37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.
I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.
My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.
I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.
Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.
This is a blessing in disguise, your baby wants contact with you!
I see nothing negative with this at all.
Sure you may have to talk to your children,family down the track.
Just embrace it, he wants contact so he deserves it.
My story Iwas 17 when I had my son(that my parents said not to because they loved me)
his bio father was married and 38,when my son was old enough I told him the story and said if you ever want/need to meet him that's ok,he just turned 28 the offer still stands.
Dont be to hard you did the best you could at the time.
I hope you heal and contribute to his healing journey by embracing him totally.
I wont say anymore. I think its beautiful.
Go on, ring him.
I did ring ring him..He is a nice person and I can't stop crying..I never have forgiven myself for adopting him out..
He is so nice and understood the reason why. I even spoke to his wife and she is so nice as well..
He told me I have 4 more grandchildren to meet and get to know.
Tears of sadness, heartache and tears of happiness together.
He wants to meet up in the near future and get to know each other better
The hard part now is to tell my other 2 sons that they have a brother I am hoping they won't hate me. One is 41 and the other is 32. It's not going to be easy at all but I know I have to.
I'm hating myself atm
I am a daughter of a lovly mother who I love dearly. She showed me nothing but love and support and she gave up so much for me and my brother.
A few years ago my dad accidentally slipped that my mum had a son before me and my brother (I said how it must have been hard having her first, a son. I meant my brother but dad thought I meant mums first biological child.). I didn't tell her I knew for years. I didn't want to upset my mum. Well last week I told her I was good at keeping secrets. I said I knew one of her secrets and I didn't think she knew I knew. Well she kept guess then she said, was it when I was a teenager. Yes. Was it part of my teenage relationship. Yes. Was it that I had a son. I said yes. She asked me why I didn't tell her I knew. I said "Because I love you and I didn't want to upset you. I knew it would have been hard, but you did what you needed to do". Mum wasn't bought up in the greatest environment. She couldn't keep the child. She made the right decision at the time. She said the only reason why she didn't tell me was she didn't know how I would react. I completely understood. She did it what was best for her and what was best for the child at the time. She knew she couldn't raise a child in her environment. Her dad hid her to his sisters place when she was heavily pregnant so no one would know.
Now I wasn't hurt by not knowing because I understand she couldn't keep it in her current environment. I think mum just didn't know how to bring it up. I also think she had a lot going on when we were kids (she was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 8). It probably isn't in the forfront of her mind. I think your kids will be more understanding then you may think. I can't guarrentee it but I think they might. You also have been struggling with it as well. It is hard to bring up something that you struggle to deal with yourself.
I just wanted to tell you that story for a kid who has been through a similar situation as your kids. I was ok with it. I love my mum, she loves me and she did what was best for the kid and herself at the time. She didn't do it to hurt me. I think my mum was glad to get it off her chest. We talked about it a bit more too.
Hope some of this helps you
I don't have any advice to give but wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I don't want to go into why but what you wrote helped me.
I was so pleased to read you've contacted your son and even more so for the outcome of it. I'm hearing very strongly that you're upset about this, but I think only good can come out of this now.
The initial contact has been made and I think the future sounds like it could be very promising ... as your son said, you've got 4 more grandchildren, not only to meet, but to get to know.
From the other responses that you've received, everyone has suggested that your other two sons will be fine with this. You had your reasons for why things turned out the way they did, and it was purely due to the circumstances at the time.
I know it will be hard, but try to embrace this new event/opportunity and I really hope that things can kind of change a little bit for you - change for the better, cause I know how tough things have been for you for so long.
I can also understand the tears ... but tears of joy are a completely different kind of tears.
This is extremely hard to write but I need to.
Everyone on here says I should be happy and embrace all this that is going on. Why can't I feel that happiness. I feel a great sadness, guilt, embarrassment, shame over all this.
I should be happy I know but I can't find it, OK maybe embarrassed over my marriage kept me from saying the truth about it at first.
My husband was a controling manipulating person who didn't think twice about giving me a slap accross the head or a black eye, my 2 sons had a crappy life as well. Christmas was never Christmas at our house the boys where never taken out anywhere for enjoyment but at times had to stay in their bedrooms days on end. If i interfered with hubbies decision pow I copped it. I was a slave to his every wish. I sometimes wished bad on my hubby and it happened. I kept all this hidden from friends. hubby's work mates and friends thought he was a great bloke and never knew what went on at home and how he was.
I have been kidding myself and everyone else about my marriage being to ashamed to admit the truth I somehow hid it deep inside and i would and still do tell everyone I had a perfect marriage.it was just easier that way.but believe it or not I loved him so much.
I have since very early childhood been bashed and told what when and how to do things. I don't think I have ever felt happiness in my life at any time. What I have always felt was fear, sadness, being trapped and guilt.
That's what I'm feeling now..I still feel like I'm trapped as hubby told me never to tell our 2 sons about the adoption. He still has a hold over me.. A long phone call last night with my eldest son made me realize the truth about our lives.
How can i be happy when my adopted son asks about his biological dad and I have to tell him the truth because if I don't my boys will eventually.
I know deep in my heart that he was better off growing up away from his biological family where he never had to endure what we did. and would be better off not knowing about how pathetic I was and still am in having any courage at all.
I really wish so badly that I could dissolve that I never existed never had to endure what my son's and I went through and what we are about to go through.
I needed to put this right so you can understand how I am feeling atm.
I can’t begin to understand how you must be feeling, or how you have felt for so long now. On top of this, for you now to be able to come out and write the truth behind what your marriage was. That must have been awfully difficult for you … but I really do hope, by you doing this, it has maybe even helped, just a tiny bit. Just to put it down in words and not have it hidden anymore. I hope that this has bought a small bit of relief for you?
On this site, I’ve come across so many instances of lovely people being abused and ill-treated and it always makes me feel so angry with the perpetrator, the one who was the controlling dominant abusive person, who did all these terrible things. And I think it’s because of the person being this way, that the ‘other person’ in the relationship, is just so scared, so frightened to say anything, because they know what will happen if they do.
You called yourself pathetic and of no courage. You are neither in my eyes. No-one in an abusive relationship should ever call themselves pathetic; the pathetic excuse of a person is the one who is performing the abuse. Outright bullies of the worst kind, but sorry, I won’t go on about him.
What I want to say is, you were the one being hit, you were the one living in fear and scared – I really can’t emphasis enough that in no way should you be feeling shame about this, nor embarrassment. I simply couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live a life like this and you had to endure it, along with your sons.
I do firmly believe that if (but hopefully, when) you tell your adopted son, that he’ll feel … well, he’ll feel pretty much the same as me.
Case in point, if I was the adopted son, and you told me, I would wrap you in the biggest hugs imaginable and be there with you for as long as I could possibly be. I’d want to be involved with you and do things for (and with) you now … things that you possibly missed out on for so many years.
I know it will be very hard for you and to forget the past is nigh on impossible, but forgetting a past like you’ve suffered, well, that’s an entirely different matter altogether. But we need to try to focus on the here and now. The past will always be there to plague you (I speak of my own here), but we just have to try to build things into our here and now, so it can help us move day by day to our future.
Stay with us here Karen,
This is absolutely huge for you,
You have a very large heart and soul.
This is YOUR TURN, there is nothing holding you back, move forward,
When you see,talk to your son,he doesn't need to know all the heavy stuff straight away,he might not want to know all the crap.
I can't work out,or may of missed it,have you told the others yet?
You have done nothing wrong!
Now you can make YOUR decisions just for you.
For what you said your life has been. You deserve some happiness and I recon it's coming.