FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do.

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi I have another thread but unrelated to this.

37 years ago my husband and young son (2tears old). was living in our car for around 8 months.I was pregnant at the time. My parents disowned me when I eloped with my husband. My husbands parents were strange and we never told them we were living in the car.

I gave birth to my second son while we were living in the car. My hubby contacted his father and his Godmother who both talked us into putting our baby into foster care for a few months until we got organized, as we couldn't have a baby living in the car. After I got out of hospital my father in law told us to stay with him. Then a woman from child services came to see us and said it best to adopt our baby out.I didn't want to but I had to or we were back in the car living and would loose our baby and possibly our other young son . because father in law said it was the only way we could stay with them.

My adopted son found me and contacted me on Sunday I was to shocked to answer him back until today.contact has only been through facebook messenger. I told him i will ring him tonight around 8.30pm.

I have never told my 2 other sons about him. I don't know how to tell them.Will they hate me for doing this as I have hated myself and never forgiven myself over all these years.I have thought about him over the years especially on his birthdays. I am so very scared. Hubby died 4 years ago so I have to do this on my own.

Hubby and I decided we would never try to find him as we didn't want to upset his life..I am a complete mess as what to do..Please can someone help me.

279 Replies 279

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I disagree GG ❤

The woman who has laid her soul bare on these forums is just as i described, and as Quirky and Tony have been describing for months.

One day you will see her too, i hope, looking with compassionate eyes back at you in the mirror.

❤

Hi Karen,

Ive got a suggestion. If you have $3 spare, go to a service station or reject shop and buy a cheap beach ball. Write the topics that hurt you eg the ex, your guilt, past life stuff. Leave it in the back yard. Everytime you feel upset go out and kick it.

But beware, if you kick it over the fence everyone will know your business !! 🙂

Tony WK

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Tony,

Good idea.......probably I would have to fill it with water to make it so it won't go over the fence.. the way I've been these last few days I would certainly be using it a lot to release some frustration.....

Your last sentence made me smile, " imagine ". ...Thanks Tony xx

Karen xx

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear GG,

I think i might have offended you with my last post.

I'm really sorry if that's the case, i meant to do the opposite, but i think i got it wrong.

I just hope that some day you can see the caring and strong lady that everyone here on the forums can see.

Gentle thoughts always.

🌻birdy

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Birdy,

No you didn't offend,

It hurt a little thinking I laid my soul out for all. But I understood what you were trying to say and do..Maybe just a wrong choice of word,

Please you are welcome here any time, I also have offended some with my words, We are only human and we do get things wrong..

You have nothing to be sorry about...please post any time here.

kind thoughts

GG..

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi GG,

Thank you for your gracious reply.

It's difficult sometimes to convey our sentiment through typed words only. Meaning can be lost in translation occasionally. I feel sad if i even caused a moment of upset to you. It was meant with care and gentleness only.

So that you're clear, i was trying to express my admiration for your courage in sharing part of your story, which has led not only to you getting wonderful support on this thread, by Tony and Quirky in particular (amongst others), but also helped countless others who are reading your story and gaining benefit from it.

You are taking many on a journey, just by sharing yours.

I admire that.

That is what i meant.

Go gently.

🌻 birdy

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Birdy,

Thank you for you reply.

sometimes I've thought I have shared to much of my life. but then again I need to get it out me...Please you didn't offend at all. You are a gentle person with a loving soul. I have a lot of respect for you and your words of help to others me included.

Sometimes word can trigger me, Just the words "laid your soul bare" is something my ex said to me on occasions which weren't in the nicest of circumstances, you were not to know. Please stay here and let it pass through your mind and forget about it.

You done nothing wrong, I'm just over sensitive to memories...I have to try and not be, but it's hard..

You are very welcome here, I enjoy your posts.

kind thoughts

GG.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Karen

Having had a controlling over bearing mum throughout my life not just in childhood, I used to over react to some phrases. These are just examples

"Back in my day"

"I never got what you got when I was a child"

Both of those above are designed to create guilt. To olace guilt onto your child for him simply being born in better circumstances is unfair...as a parent wouldnt you be pleased your child suffered less than you did?

The other thing was, my mother actually was born in a well off farming family. At 10yo she had a birthday gift-a grand piano. Etc. So she portrayed a poor or discriminatory childhood to serve her needs for attention.

My point if this is, that when someone said similar things to me, I had to work hard mentally to discount they had the same intent my mother had, to dominate and plant guilt. I called it the benefit of the doubt.

Topic: the benefit of the doubt- beyondblue

Usually that doubt took only a few seconds to endure. Then the topic of conversation went on its merry way and all is good. Kind of like a hump to get over the trigger. Thats the result if mental scars. We need to adapt and overcome.

Tony WK

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Tony,

Thank you.

I have felt so bad since I wrote that those words upset me...from now on, I will just shut up.

The circumstances my hubby said those word to me and on so many occasions left me devastated each time he said them..That was the first time since his death that I had heard them again, it just knocked me down so much.

I have said sorry to Birdy, (and I meant it ), but I think I hurt her to much for her to forgive me. I don't blame her at all, I should be more sensitive of other people's feeling and not take thing personally.

Im hurting knowing I hurt her.

Im sorry Tony...I'm just so useless at trying to put all this behind me..Sometimes I think I'm kidding myself for even thinking I can have some type of a decent life.

Kind thoughts

Karen.

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dearest Karen,

You have done nothing for me to forgive.

I said something to you from a place of admiration that hit you in the wrong spot.

I picked up on that and apologised, you acknwledged that and i thanked you for your graciousness and offered you my further admiration, as per my post above.

We have shared space in other threads since then and i consider you a lovely presence whenever i encounter you around the forum.

I never meant any harm and neither did you.

I hope we can go forward gently together and leave that behind us?

Please?

I think highly of you.

❤

🌻 birdy