42 and Sad, depressed and frightened.
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I'm Peter, Male 42 and i hate my life. I didn't do well at school, i could never keep jobs, i have never had a girlfriend, all i do is stay home. I was born with a rare muscle decease where i can lose the use of my limbs in certain conditions such as... View more
I'm Peter, Male 42 and i hate my life. I didn't do well at school, i could never keep jobs, i have never had a girlfriend, all i do is stay home. I was born with a rare muscle decease where i can lose the use of my limbs in certain conditions such as cold weather, anything cold or if i over exert myself. I live at home with my Dad and Brother who are the 2 most boring and miserable people you could live with. I would have done anything to have been normal in life, i wanted to be successful, i wanted to be strong. I wanted to be somebody in life but i wasn't built right. From the moment i was born into the world i was destined to be a nobody, a good for nothing loser. I hate who i am and what i am, every morning i wake up and look at myself in the mirror and i despise what i see. I am lonely and have no one to talk to. I battle with things on my own, I suffer with sever depression and my mind never shuts off. I am constantly thinking about what could have been if i was this or had been that and it's exhausting. I don't think i would ever end my own life but the thoughts are there, i am always wishing for something to happen to me, something quick and painless so i didn't have to deal with all this anymore. I hate getting older, i dread birthdays. I cry so much now, i exist in a world where i don't belong and it's getting harder to cope with it. Life is extremely unfair. I am frightened for my future, i am not independent, all my life i've had people doing everything for me and i feel useless. I worry for what happens to me when they pass and what is to become of me. I am so scared. I also suffer with Anxiety and i have a phobia where i am scared to look up at the blue sky, i know how silly it sounds, i know it can't hurt me. It's as if i have a fear of heights but looking up instead of down. This phobia greatly effects my daily life and again it is exhausting.