Just under two years ago I lost my soul mate, my best friend, my lover, my wife, my life. We had been together for over 10 years, nearly 8 years married and had planned to start a family this year, she would have been 30.
That fateful day, she got up to go to work. I was on leave, still in bed. My alarm woke me at 0735. I could hear her in the kitchen, I heard her place the kettle down. Then she brought me a cup of coffee. She looked so beautiful, her hair tied back, wearing her motorbike gear. She had never made me a coffee going to work before. I asked her why, she said she wanted me to have a great day, she knew I was visiting two close friends. I gave her a kiss, and a hug, told her I love her, and she left. I never saw her alive again.
Shortly after I heard her motorbike ride off down the road, a friend rang. I got up, had a shower. After my shower I noticed she had done some stuff around the house. I took my mobile out of my pocket, to sms her thanks. The phone rang. It was one of my bosses, telling me, she had been involved in an accident and it's not looking good. I raced to the scene. It was too late, she had passed. I got to sit in the back of the ambulance with her. I balled my eyes out, oh how I cried.She was still warm, but her tooth was chipped and she was lifeless.
That is the beginning of this journey, this hole, that I keep falling into. For days and nights, I cried and cried. I made myself busy. I went back to work quick, I took on big life changing tasks, I took on new hobbies. I put on a brave face. But this hole, this almost blank feeling, it is hard.I suppose when you love someone with everything you have, more than yourself, finding solace can be damn near impossible.
I have good friends, good family. I bet they care. But I feel alone sometimes, almost feel cursed. I know there are many going through far worse, but my drive for life has gone. I was so happy, so much to live for, now I just have hope.
Sorry for making any who read this feel down, but writing it I think, and sharing, perhaps, helps.
You suffered a great loss. It's almost like the abrupt ending for your wife of a suicide but she has obviously had the worst luck that day on her motorbike. The weirdest sentence that sticks out for me is "She had never made me a coffee going to work before". Like her spirit was looking after you once last time. It reminded me of a beautiful story involving a special Japanese dog that never played ball but on the day it's owner was destined to suffer a fatal heart attack got the ball for the only time in it's life and tried to delay the owner from getting the train. Then this dog waited in vain for its' owner to return for 9 years at the train station.
Maybe you're waiting for something too. The black hole is something we can all slip into but a tragedy as large as the one you have suffered is almost placing you in a much bigger area, like a black universe. I guess if your wife was looking down on you she might want you to return to your former self and celebrate life or move on. There are other relationships that might click for you and at approx 30 you have much fathering time ahead. The family you dreamed of could become a reality.
A memory is something you can keep alive. Maybe you had support from work seeing as how the call came from one of your bosses. People do care about situations like this. It probably doesn't seem enough. Only time can heal you 100% and make the black hole seem only a dot on the horizon. Thanks for sharing your story. You write with great elegance, nobility and love.
PS Charlie Chaplin fathered a child at approx 70 yrs.
dear Vilkas, I have just read your post and how heartbroken I feel for you, I can only relay this through this reply back to you, but I can't physically show how much this upsets me, but it's not about me, it's about you, but if I was there with you I would give you my greatest wish to be able to help and support you.
Your marriage was something that certainly doesn't deserve any of this, and when two people were so much in love this is just devastating, horrific and impossible to believe.
I just can't understand why accidents like this are possible to the ones we love so much.
For you to find solace now seems to be impossible, you want to grieve, and you will try and find the answer of 'why did this happen, because she was very careful when riding her bike.'
Unfortunately these answers will never be explained to you, let alone answered, and all of this will trouble you for a long time.
How sorry I feel for you and to portray this by a letter doesn't give me the real chance to relay on how I feel.
Can I please suggest that you see your doctor and for him to organise trauma counselling, only because they will be able to offer professional help, but more so please stay with us, sorry but I care for you and how you are coping, and I really mean this. Geoff.
Good evening David, Geoff
Thank you kindly for your replies, your words. I am encouraged by what you have said and do listen. I suppose I vented on here, as I did not want to trouble anyone else with my loss, my continuing grief. I do not like to burden anyone, even two gentlemen such as yourselves. But sometimes I suppose we cry out, hence my post.
I did go through trauma counselling. At first I thought it was helpful, but then I felt that the person really did not care, they were insincere and seemed to be asking me the same questions. I think there may have been a personality issue. He did come highly recommended, Since then I have dealt with it all on my own. I always make sure I present a strong smiling front to others and embrace my hobbies and interests with much passion, but nothing helps, when you are alone.
I did think I found love again, met someone I thought was wonderful by chance. For the second time in my life, fell in love. That was earlier this year. She though pulled the pin, seemed mutual, her ex came back into the picture and before you know it, she left me, went back to him. The feeling going into and having that short relationship was like heaven, the ending and reality was like hell.
But life goes on, and one always has hope....
I just read your post. You are so courageous sharing such a painful story. I feel for you so much. I'd love to give you a big caring hug right now OOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I agree with Dave how it's amazing that sometimes people do things just before they die, almost as thought a part of them knows it's the last time they'll be with us physically. Your beautiful wife making you that cup of coffee must be such a lovely and yet incredibly painful memory.
I have lost very dear friends including animals so although I can't understand fully how you are feeling I do have an idea. I can totally relate to the hole! I don't know if you read my post when I broke but that explains pretty how I can understand a little bit of what you're going through -just a little.
The main thing I want to share with you other than caring hugs OOOOOOOO is that I too thought I could do it alone. I tried to get help a couple of years after my friends death and those people were horrible. Needless to say I got way worse. I then tried to go it alone again last year but I just couldn't. I thought I was okish but I wasn't the hole consumed me and became all I was. I now have a really nice caring psych who is making a huge difference.
In closing I just want to say I'm not telling you to get help I'm just asking you to think about it. Yes some of the psych, counsellors etc aren't that good but there are some real gems out there.
Thinking of you Jase
Thank you Amamas,
I had read your post in your thread about the loss of your friend. I am sorry for your loss, my condolences to you.
Through my work I often deal with death, with loss, and in most circumstances it is unexpected. You have your own defences, ways of dealing with it, the grief of others, is always the hardest. It affects us as humans, as who we are.
None of this could prepare me though, to see my wife, lying in the back of an ambulance, lifeless, still warm.
I am not against help. I tried. But my rock, the person whose shoulder I cried on, the person who looked after me, told me everything would be alright, was the one I lost.This has left me with this hole, no real purpose in life anymore. The solution is for me to find purpose, something beyond simple hope.
I have yet to find this.Maybe I need to speak to someone to get me on the right track.
You mention hugs, they are always good 🙂 but these days I keep my emotions in check, because I know, if I don't, I will be a mess, and my friends and family don't want to see that. Got to be brave....today I made a video, pictures off her phone of her to a nice song, is beautiful, though makes me ball my eyes out every time I watch it.
Thanks for reading,
Hey beautiful Jase
Feeling for you big time mate!
I'll tell you something that may or may not help you, you have so much courage.
I'm not talking about how you are just trying to breathe at the moment because that to me is survival. Just trying to keep yourself moving. Very painful! Courageous yes but not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about your ability to love. It's so courageous and rare in this crazy world. You have a beautiful wonderful gift there. The reason I wasn't certain about sharing this with you now is because you have lost your true love and are therefore in extreme grief. OOOOOO
But I decided to share with you as you mentioned finding a purpose. I can tell by your words that you loved your wife in a beautiful real and deep way. When you are ready maybe you could find a way to help people find the courage you have to love, deeply love.
As to your family and friends they may want to help you but don't know how. I know with my friend who's partner was killed in the train crash she was very open with her feelings, still is, and some people are there for her and others aren't. It's been 14 years this Saturday since the crash and she still has occasional bad days.
What I'm getting to is that some people will probably be able to give you a hug and maybe just sit with you and cry with you and talk about your wife and listen while you share your video and how painful the memory of being with her in the ambulance is for you.
I might be completely wrong but there is a chance that if you used that tremendous courage you have and shared with someone from your family and friends - you may find that they are relieved to be able to help. There may be some people in your life that rather than, not wanting to see that, like you think - are actually waiting for you to be ready to cry on their waiting shoulder.
Thinking of you Jase
dear Jase, this is a sad story for you.
If you don't want your family to see you cry, that's OK, but can I tell you from experience that the longer you hold your emotions in the worse it gets, it just builds up and up and eventually it will break.
It's just like shaking a can of soft drink the pressure inside this can is enormous, it wants to be released and when this happens it just explodes.
So it's the same as you, and no different to other people, you can't keep this emotion all bottled up, so please try and find someone unrelated to you and let this pressure out.
Emotion is a large part of our make-up, and even though some people don't cry means that they become angry as this is their way of releasing the pressure. Geoff.