stillborn son's 21st

[Doolhof]

Later this month it will be the 21st anniversary of our son's stillbirth. Part of me would love to celebrate this occasion with a party, I don't think any of the family remember the date or year of our son's birth/death, and that is fine. We never talk about the loss of our children to our families, I have a couple of very close friends I can share some of my feelings with, so at least that is something.

Instead, I will remember our son in my heart and mind on his special day, take myself out to lunch somewhere nice as my husband will be busy that day doing his won stuff, and he doesn't want to know about our children any more than the family do.

I might buy something special to celebrate the occasion, and to keep as a memory of what would have been our son's 21st.

Just writing this, has me in tears. Just wanted to share my rambling thoughts with someone who might care.

   Cheers, from Dools.

[BeeGee]

Doolhof... what a sad 21st. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what we will do for our Lucy's 21st, but we bought a really good bottle of wine in her birth year and plan to open it for her 21st. Maybe we'll go out to a nice restaurant with our immediate family to mark the occasion. I expect there will be plenty of tears.

I think it's lovely that you do something to mark this anniversary - maybe go somewhere you find peaceful and comforting - the beach, the mountains, a lovely park - and have a special time of remembrance.

As long as he is in your heart he is never really completely gone.

Now I'm tearing up too.

[Doolhof]

Hi BeeGee, thanks for your post. I would love to share our son's birthday with our families, but I don't think that will be possible. My husband really doesn't want to remember our children at all. We have invited both families to our home for Christmas Day over the years, but it has never happened. We are told that as we don't have children, there is no point celebrating Christmas at our place. So a get together for our son's 21 just wouldn't be understood. 

I am working in the morning of our Dylon's birthday, so I will take myself out for lunch and if it isn't bucketing down with rain, I will go to a lovely national park near us for a walk. Last time I was there I saw about 20 kangaroos. I will "chat" with Dylon as I walk around the park and then go into one of the little towns near us and see if I can buy something to commemorate the special day.

I will be thinking of you and your family as you consider how you would like to celebrate Lucy's 21st. I hope it is a day of sharing thoughts, love and much compassion for each other. I'm sending you a big cyber hug! Cheerio.

[Doolhof]

Happy 21st Birthday Dylon!

Wishing you were here with us so we could celebrate your special day in style. I think of you all the time and have great comfort in knowing you are there in Heaven, where there is no suffering of any kind, no tears, no sadness, no pain, only a sense of happiness and great joy.

Yesterday I bought a cake in your honour, some candles and matches and went to a park where I lit the candles for you and sang "Happy Birthday" to you. I took a couple of photos of your cake as well.

Tonight I am taking your Dad out to dinner and we will celebrate together. He doesn't want to know it is your Birthday, so we won't be talking about you today. That doesn't matter as I carry you in my heart always. Your Dad will probably tell me off for putting a message on Facebook stating it is your 21st, just like he did when I put up a message for Ruth's 18th in February! Guess he doesn't want to know about Jessi's 16th either!

Loving you always, hugs and kisses from your Mum. xxx

[BeeGee]

Happy birthday Dylon!

That sounds like a lovely day - I'm glad you were able to mark it so well.

Lots of hugs to you Dools.

[Jo3]

Oh Dools

I was in tears reading your post.  I cannot imagine what you and your husband would have gone through.  I can't even imagine the pain you must be in remembering your son's 21st.

It is a beautiful thing to do for your son's 21st.  Do what you love to do - buy a cake, sing happy birthday, lunch, walk, talk to him - do whatever you feel is right for you.

Sending you a big warm hug, strength and peace knowing that your son is in Heaven and watching over you.

Thinking of you,

Jo xx

[Doolhof]

Dear BeeGee and Jo

Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. I received quite a few "likes" and messages from my post on Facebook which was lovely, including a recognition from my sister in law which I had never expected.

I'm doing a lot of crying on the inside. Maybe later today the tears will flow and I will be able to release some of the grief, pain and suffering I feel.

For some reason God chose for us not to have live children. There have been plenty of wonderful children in our lives over the years, children of family and friends. I am so thankful for all the opportunities I've had to share my love with them.

I told myself years ago I did not want to become bitter, miserable and twisted up over not having live children, sad yes, miserable no.

My husband and I went out for dinner last night. I had told him it was for a special occasion, but he didn't ask what. Maybe he knew. We certainly didn't talk about Dylon, as I know he wouldn't have been at all comfortable with that conversation. So I am so very thankful I am able to share my story, my thoughts and feelings with you both and others who understand.

So thanks to you both and wishing you both a day where you can think of your own happy memories and create new ones as well.

   Cheerio, from Dools. xx