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Still struggling to cope after the death of my husband

Djellie
Community Member

Hi

 This is my first post here and figured this would be a therapeutic thing to do after a bad day....

 My husband of 7 years became ill ten days after our second daughter was born. I'm sick of retelling the story but with a newborn, two year old and a husband heading for ICU and family members arriving left right and center it was the begining of what life would be like over the next three years.

My husband (I'm not sure if you use names here so I'll just keep it formal for now), never recovered and at 25 I became a full time carer and mother for the next three years. I lost my husband in June of 2012 and sometimes the pain of his loss can come shooting back down my spine in an instant.

I did receive 16 weeks of grief counselling and it was really useful, in many ways I have picked my self and my girls up off the floor and started moving forward and I was even close to being happy for a little while. But then life started to catch up to me and I'm struggling again.

 I had an incredibly rude GP tell me I was gaining weight (and the look of disgust on her face made me feel like I had gained 100kg). I was shocked as I was still a size 10 and I exercise regularly. Watching my husbands body break down certaintly ingrained to eat healthy so I couldn't understand how that was possible. Thank fully I found a new gp who measured me and I am smack in the middle of the recoomended BMI scale and told me not to loose a thing, which is great but ever since this event it's like she is haunting me. I constantly find myself checking my appearance and weight. Constantly worrying if I eat slightly unhealthy am I going to gain weight. I've become obsessed with it but the weird thing is underneath the obsession of my weight, I know I am fine. So why do I keep fussing about how look? It's driving me crazy as I have never been one to put my self image down as much as I am and I don't like this change in my confidence. It will be hard to raise two confident girls if their mother is a basket case about such trivial things!

 I've recently lost a close friendship as they couldn't adjust to who I am now as to who I was when my husband was still alive. I carry guilt about this as if its entirely my fault.

I tried to sell our family home to start fresh in a new place with new memories and I got screwed by the real estate agent and my lawyer. I'm still in our home but $2000 down. I beat myself up for this everyday. I hate the thought of loosing money over trusting people I shouldn't have.

Then christmas has come and gone and its our second one without him here and I think it will always be a hard time of year.

Trying to sell the house took a lot of my already single mum pressed time and now I am behind on my study and starting to stick my head in the sand about it..... which is so productive of me!

 But mostly I've noticed this week those old symptoms of wanting to sleep longer then I need, withdrawing form socialazing and bascially just wanting to be at home alone and being quiet snappy to my girls are back.

I went to church this morning which usually makes me happy. (I'm proud of leaving behind a church that was really judgemental to find a place that lifts me up not drags me down). But today all I could see in front of me was couples hugging and touching. The couple directly in front me almost made me scream in the middle of the service because she wouldn't stop running her fingers through her husbands hair and stroking his back. It was driving me crazy.

I miss being a wife, I miss having someone else who cares about the children as much as I do. I miss having another decision maker in the house, every decision is up to me now. I miss the most mundane and boring things in life like him driving the car while I got to sit in the passenger seat gazing out the window. I have no time for window gazing now and most importanty I don't have my best friend cheering me on from the sidelines. Telling me I'm beautiful and that the GP is wrong, stepping in when people are overstepping. I've been left alone in everything, the good and the bad. My youngest starts school this year and her life has flashed before my eyes because it has been nothing since drama after drama since she was born and I'm really struggling with my husband not being there on her first day of school and me coming home to an empty house.

I'm not sure if I need to go back to more counselling or if I'm just having a bad month but I do know that writing some of this down has helped. So if you've made it this far, thank you for listening!!

 

3 Replies 3

Neil_1
Community Member

Hi Djellie

Good on you for coming to this wonderful site and being able to share your story.  Your so so tragic story.

The tragedy that you've been through is going to be so hard to live with (as you're finding) and it seems like you're doing it largely on your own.

Before I go on, my main suggestion that I would like to raise, is could you please please get yourself off to your good GP and perhaps even take the mental health plan thingy that they can do ... as a result of this, you can be referred to a psychologist to hopefully help you through this.  I really think this would be what I'd be aiming to do.  I've lost both my brother and my father over the years and I know from both, I've had extensive counselling and psyche appointments to try and assist.  On top of that, I'm also on 3 different types of medications to help me.

The inner strength you must have to help you get through the last two years must be absolutely phenomenal and to be there for your daughters. 

With regard to that other GP, forget that person ... I know it's so easy to say, but there are just some people who clearly are in the wrong professions and this one is definitely one of those.  You've already mentioned how you exercise and also have the knowledge for healthy eating ... those two things combined are all you need.  If you continue to eat healthy and exercise, you're going to be fine.  Having said that, I know it's boring to eat healthy all the time ... so please enjoy yourself as well, and treat yourself as well.  If you feel like something yummy, then damn well have it.  AND enjoy it.

Two years is no time at all, and the pain from it all is still fresh and raw ... and this is to be expected.  They say time heals all wounds ... well to me it doesn't ... what happens is the wound patches itself up, but a scar remains and remains forever.

From what you've said, I can tell how wonderful a husband and partnership you shared.  That wasn't meant to make you more sad than you already are, but it was just something I wanted to say.

Djellie, I hope some of what I've written has helped ... and I'm also pleased that by you writing down your post, it also helped.  I know it does, because it's something I've done for a number of years now and I really think that is a form of healing.

Please get back to us whenever you feel ok to respond back ... we're here for you to support you and offer whatever help/advice that we're able too.

Kind regards

Neil

Neil_1
Community Member

Hi Djellie

Just wondering if you're still around on Beyond Blue and if so, I really love to know how you've been doing over the last few days?

Kind regards

Neil

 

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Djellie, oh dear what an unhappy situation for you, if only you me and Neil could just hug each other ( sorry Neil but you know what I mean).

The love for someone who you totally adore from every piece of each other's body and for this to end is just devastating.

I just can't understand the rudeness of any professional to give judgement when they have no idea of how much it is going to hurt you, because this just doubles you back 10 steps to try and recover.

I wish I could click my fingers to stop any thoughts of grief that continue to haunt you, occasions which bring back those beautiful moments together, all those times and days which were so special to you, but I'm so sorry I can't.

From what you have posted there is so much more that is troubling you, I can read it so clearly, it's hitting me in the face, so I hope that you have the strength to reply back to us.

I realise it is going to take an real effort to do this, but please do not be embarrassed or frightened from posting again onto this site, we want to listen to you and certainly hope that we can relieve some pressure from you.

It's going to take a great deal of strength to be able to cope, especially over the next few weeks, and this is the time that you need someone to talk to. L Geoff. x