Sisters loss

[__kit]

I'm having a difficult time dealing with the upcoming anniversary or my sisters passing. Two years ago I lost my sister to her 5 year battle with breast cancer. She passed away on my birthday. The trauma of the event has been extremely difficult as I find it hard to talk to anyone about the way I feel. My mother makes the situation much more difficult as she has picked up post traumatic issues with paranoia. My feeling have been pushed towards the back and I am constantly made to feel as though my pain is not adequate enough in comparison to 'a mother losing a child'. I struggle with an eating disorder and have been for the past 8 years. I feel as though I an spiralling downwards and I cannot sleep at night due to my depression. I need help with how to cope?

[white knight]

Hi _kit,  welcome to beyond Blue forums

You have struck a cord for a few reasons.

First the anniversary.  Have you realised that anniversaries are man made.?  Our calendar is man made.  Meaning when your sister passed away the earth was at a certain point in relation to the sun. Every year at the same point it is called the same date as man man it. All it means is that earth was in the same spot. It has no other relevance.  This means to me, when I happen to recall my dads passing on a certain date, but every dad is dads day to me.  People get screwed up with birthdays and wedding anniversaries all the time and if you have a bad memory like me and never remember the dates you can be in trouble. I dont think recalling dates isfair nor a mandatory requirement.

Now, my brother took his own life in 1979. My mother (who I have been estranged from since 2010) kept saying "I'm the mother so I grieve more".  She kept saying this to us young adults (me and my sister was 24 and 19yo at the time). One day about 6 months after his death my dad and mum got into a raging yelling fight (dad was normally quiet and docile). She told him what she had been telling us for months "I'm the mother- you dont grieve as much as me".  It was nearly the end of their marriage.

The claim that one person grieves more than the other is unfair, unwarranted and plain wrong. Draw the line at that kind of behaviour. Dont put up with it. Grieving isnt a football match.

[mummyof3]

Hi kit

so sorry for your loss. 

I lost my mum last Xmas eve and I am really struggling thinking of the time of year. But really trying for the sake of my kids.  But I know it will be hard on all.

speaking from the loss of previous loved ones the first anniversary has been the worse. Even though as white knight said anniversaries are man made it's still there and so is the pain. 

As for your mum she may be blinded by her own grief to see or feel yours. Do you have someone you know to confide in or maybe a counsellor you can speak to. Even though we all grieve differently grief cannot be compared on a better to worse scale. 

I hope your birthday isn't too painful and I wish you a happy one. 

Kind regards and blessings