My mum committed suicide

[taylor2018]

When I was 20 my mum committed suicide. I'm now 26 and I feel deeper in my grief than ever before. I had a really delayed reaction to her death (I did not express any emotion for 2 years). We were a pretty normal tight family unit and I needed to be the strength for the rest of my family.

My mum left no note, and nobody really has any explanation of why she did what she did. She was such a great mum to my brother and I, and while I know she had problems (she was an alcoholic) she was a successful business woman and excellent mother, and nobody had any idea she was suicidal.

In addition to all the normal stuff you feel when someone dies this way, there is a lot of blame towards me and the rest of my immediate family from my extended family on her side. I get through this by understanding that sometimes people need to blame someone to cope but honestly it's so wrong that anyone could think anyone was responsible. Particularly my brother and my dad and I. We would have moved heaven and earth had we known she was in danger.

Even so, I feel like I have failed the most important person in my life and I'm haunted by what happened. The permanence of her death still has not settled in and it hits me in waves and knocks me right off my feet.

What should I do? Is there anything I can do?

[Elizabeth CP]

I wish I could give you advice that would really help. I can barely imagine the pain you must have gone through. I believe it is essential you reach out for help. You can speak to your GP to get a referral to a psychologist or ring one of the help lines to get advice. It is important to have someone to help you work your way through the grief & overcome the feelings of guilt.

I really hope you can get the help you need to cope with the situation.

[Croix]

Dear Taylor2018~

Having you mum take her life is one of the most terrible things to have to deal with in life. Even setting it all out here must have been so hard. I really feel for you. In a way I was lucky, when my partner passed away I expected it, we could talk it over and I knew the whys and wherefores. Sadly you have the bare facts and nothing else. I'm very sorry life has deal you that blow.

You asked what you might do. Asking is a pretty good move, For a start you have realized there are others in the world who are like you, and there experience can be yours.

I guess the first thing is you, your brother and your dad are very vulnerable. Grief and misplaced guilt can be so overpowering, and sometimes this is translated into a desire to take one's life. Can I suggest a couple of things? First if you have not done so already see professionals in this area, ones used to supporting those who have to deal with this. Secondly consider support groups of like people. Ringing our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 may point you at help in you area.

Looking after your brother and dad helps all three of you, you know how they feel, how their thoughts go. That might help in comforting them. How do you think they are getting on?

Those relatives that blame, you have the right of it. People do cast around for scapegoats. I've talked to people who have just had something most unpleasant happen, and they have been accepting. Talking to them a week later and they have latched onto something or someone to blame - even if completely unjustified. At least you are wise enough to see that.

Please don't let that bitterness and ire spill over into more guilt for you. As you said yourself even though you loved you did not know anything. I'm not that surprised. When I've had suicidal thoughts I've tried very hard to keep it to myself. I'm not sure why. Stopping family from worry is certainly one thing, there may be other things I've not really analyzed.

I've talked a fair bit, now can I ask you what your plans are? Do you have strategies to take up when the grief gets bad? I used work as an occupation and distraction, do you have that?

Croix

[geoff]

Good Morning Taylor, I offer you my sincere condolences for this tragedy.

When something like this happens it comes as an enormous shock and wonder why she didn't tell you about her dark secrets, even though she was a successful business woman as well as being a good mum she didn't want to have her family be concerned.

No blame should be passed on to you, your brother or your father and while you knew she was struggling, her escape was using the alcohol.

Many people do this, I did it, I was an alcoholic and also kept my secrets to myself, but you can contact Al-Anon these people were terrific for my 2 sons and it's free but are trained in helping those who are affected by alcohol.

Your father as well the two of you need to see your doctor, and if they want to refer you to a psychologist, and please ask about the mental health plan, which entitles each one of to 10 free visits per year.

You haven't failed at all because you can't help someone until they put their hand up, but when it's hidden don't blame yourself, you weren't to know and sometimes drinking alcohol isn't an immediate clue.

My best wishes.

Geoff.