My mother died last year and I was the strong one
Hi all. I feel like an interloper because your stories seem much worse than mine, but I still hate what my life has become lately.
My mother died last year and I was the strong one, organising everything but as soon as it was all finished I collapsed into depression and was off work for months. I was given medication. I took these for 4 months but had side effects i.e. sudden spasms at night, nausea when I yawned, no sex drive, etc. I have been off tablets for 5 months. This is how I feel: I have no desires, I don't look forward to anything, I cant get motivated to do things I have always enjoyed. I cant enjoy a sunny day or a funny moment. I wake in the morning feeling tiny tremors in my head and as I am getting ready for work I start seriously analising how I am feeling and I get myself into a state of anxiety trying not to feel anxious. I have a tightness around my head like a vice, not painful but constant and I often get hot prickly sensations in the back of my head. My legs get uncomfortable behind the knees like poor circulation or something. My world seems to be shrinking. I don't know if I am getting dementia or Parkinsons or am suffering from anxiety or depression. And generally in the evenings I feel better but still have the tightness in my head. Just want my normal self back and erase the last 12 months.
You did well to organise your mum's funeral but you might need to look after yourself now. People critical of depressives are always nagging with "take some responsibility" but this can lead to more depression. Maybe, step by step, motivation and responsibility will resume or at least show a glimmer of something.
The head tightness is something I get from time to time. I'm not sure if this will work for you but I'm always greatly relieved if I get a short hair cut (!) or maybe go for a swim. Just something to take the pressure off. Even a shower before bed can give you a better sleep as the reducing body heat naturally lulls you into a deeper sleep. Years ago, at college, I even used to have scalding hot baths before resting at night. Cos some of the mental anguish does get into your bones and your circulation is essential to recovery.
Even in psych wards they try and organise daily walks for 20 mins in the morning. It's something to do with the circadian circle and our bodies doing what they were designed for. You would never have found a cave man lolling about all day watching daytime tv and eating any craving at hand or super advertised.
Sex drive is ever fluctuating and most of us can ride a bike if we have to. Sending a birthday card to a relative or calling up an old friend is pretty much the same exchange of information and intimate moment albeit without getting naked. Expecting to go from zero to sex seems too much. Find some middle ground.
To answer your question nothing is wrong with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone who is grieving their mother's death now if you were fine with it then I might say psychopath lol. I THINK you may have made the right choice not taking the medication you were on sounds like it was not for you plus sometimes I THINK doctors medicate feelings and that's not on but that is my opinion and I am not a doctor. Still it seems like you really are having a bad trot health wise and that could be due to stress. My doctor explained to me that my anxiety puts my adrenalin levels up and that effects my health because they are up for such a prolonged time and that could be making you feel all tired and ill. It does kind of feel like getting dementia.
I am a big advocate for craft therapies they can help to take your mind off things and calm you a bit. After my ex left me I felt so blank like I just had no feelings left. My psychologist got me into painting (I am terrible at it but I love it) and I have never looked back. Now when things are getting on top of me I draw or paint my ass off. Housework be blowed! Slowly over time I found myself coping better every day. If you don't want to take medication you might be able to ask your doctor to see a psychologist and talk to them about that and maybe find a craft or something you can do that doesn't ask too much of you and you might even find your excitement for life coming back. You could also talk to them about the side effects you had with your medication and discuss taking something different or maybe some herbal therapies. Green tea with jasmine did me the world of good, but I was also on medication because I had a major nervous break down and was suicidal so I HAD to put up with the side effects for the sake of myself and my kids but I think you should really explore your options.
Good luck anyways I hope you find a way through