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My Dad passed away recently. My Mum died a few years back. Struggling.
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Hi RB, welcome
Yep, its tough alright.
Try to use a spare 30 minutes a day at this stage to be alone, grieve, thinking of your dad and mum. Then bounce back into the household and family...switch off until the next days session.
Write things down, I use poetry but any writing will do. Find other friends that might have lost a dad or mum. When you find someone that has reached out, then reach out to them too.
Time....is the best healer. Tell your husband you need more time to heal and thank him for his patience. It isn't easy for him as he has no control over this situation hence his loss of endurance.
For you today I've plucked out one of my poems I wrote to me dad after his passing in 1992. You'll also find many in the thread "poetry corner". Don't feel guilty over issues that you have no control over.
DADS PRINT (to dad)
Dad knew I’d try to follow
where ever he went – in his footsteps
through his pride and boyish whim
I always tried to follow him
And on Sundays a few hours spare
I be his shadow for the day to care
Boy behind his dad so tall
He never minded, not at all
Then as life cut so short
I wish to follow as my last resort
No wonder he used a broom to sweep
To hide his stencilled footstep feet
But now and then I see a print
Where he’s been in the misty tint
Like a ghostly outline of a soul
I place my foot inside the hole
Sadness follows in my inept
It just something I must accept
But I be eager the day my feet will greet
My father’s footstep stencilled feet....
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Hi Rainbow
Paul here...I just want to say my 'sincere' condolences for the loss of your dad....and of course the loss of your mum 😞
I dont know what it feels like.....but I know cant be in the UK and Australia at the same time...not much help there Im sorry.
You are not a 'burden here' .......I am happy that you still 'ask' your mum for advice....Your heart is exactly where it should be. White Knight & Pipsy both have very kind hearts....and are spot on with their sympathy and advice.
I noticed your response and well done to you....That is a sign of inner strength and how much you cared for your dad and mum....
My heart aches for what you are going through....I have yet to go through it....and have no idea of your pain 😞
Kind thoughts
Paul
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Hi Rainbow Bubble,
I have both parents still living , however, my sister passed at 13 , 38 years ago., mother and father in law 10 and 12 years ago. My sister and I were extremely close and I can say not a day goes by without a thought directly related to her. Not morbid just thoughts. Grief takes its own time to resolve. What is right for one person is not the same for another. My husband could not understand the depth of my grief, until he lost his mum.
Maybe your brother just does not know how to handle his own grief, hang in there with the communication and maybe one day he will respond.
my sympathy to you on your loss
Kathryne
I agree take time to your self to honour the relationship you had with your parents, Talk to your babies about their grandparents and fun things you did as a child.
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Hi there Rainbow Bubble (I’ve gotta say that I love your name – it conjures up beautiful images)
Everyone says you should be moving on and doing the family thing and be getting over the loss of your parents. Yes, that is such a common response. Either from people who haven’t had any loss themselves or from people who have suffered loss, but are able to compartmentalize their grief and as such are able to continue on, if not as they once were, at least doing a very close impression of it.
I sometimes have wished I was like that because I know it would have made me different and not so locked up with my own grieving. I lost my closest brother in 1991; my Dad passed away in 2007 and I lost my Mum in late 2014.
I hear you so well when you said that with your Dad’s passing, it opened up the wounds and grief for your Mum. It shows that the grief and heartache that you felt for your Mum was just below the surface and that it all just came back to you – and doubly so, as you lost your Dad in this time as well.
You’ve received some really wonderful responses from other Beyond Blue community members and it was very pleasing to see you write back too. Some really good suggestions have been put forward, but in order to do some of them, you’ll have to be at a place where you’re sort of a bit more settled with your grief before you may be able to do them. Personally I know that it took me a number of years to do anything in regard to my Dad, as any time I tried, my grief was still too strong for me to take on a project relating to him.
Basically what I’m trying to say is, we all grieve at different levels and for different time lengths and no-one can tell you when that time is over; it’s a personal thing and at some stage in the future, you’ll come to know that time. So for those people who’ve said to you in passing about it being time for you to get over it, if you do wish to respond back, just say something like: “Thank you, but I’m not fully ready yet – I’m still missing XXX, it’s just very difficult, but I’m getting there. Thank you for your concern”. Now you may not wish to say that, I just thought I’d give it out.
And please, know that you can write back here as often as you wish. We’ll be here for you.
Kind regards
Neil