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my dad is gone
My dad passed away on the 10January. it was the most saddest thing i have ever seen. the hospital didnt allow me to go and see the weekend before and didnt give me an exemption. On the Monday i received a call at 8:20am from the hospital saying they are giving me an exemption as he deteriorated over night, i went straight away. He was or looked like sleeping or pumped up on pain medication. he didn't open his eyes he didn't speak didnt squeeze my hand. the doctor came around 10 and said he was dying and that t could be an hour, 2 hours a day or 3 everyone was different. my dad hated hospitals and didn't want to be in there. i spoke o him held his hand and said i was sorry for everything i upset him about growing up. i told him i would look after mum and be strong for him now that he couldn't. (he told me that in November when he was last in hospital). At around lunch time, he opened his eyes fully waved at my mum and looked at me then drifted back off to sleep. my mum and i kept talking to him asking him to squeeze our hands if he could hear us, he never did. At 3pm the nurse came in. at 3:50 the nurse came back in saying they needed to move my dad to the next room because a stem cell patient was coming into the room he was in. thinking nothing because he was asleep all day i said ok. when they started to wheel his bed out of the room his eyes opened wide, the widest ive ever seen. i asked them why now if they were shut all day. they told me because they were moving him and he could probaly feel it. they assured him t would be ok and continued to the next room. his face looked strained and his mouth to the side, i yelled something is wrong help him. they got him in the room he was staring at nothing and then his eyes turned to me and looked straight at me. i was a mess telling him it was ok and that i would look after mum and be strong from him, the nurse trying to treat him. he took to big breaths as he looked at me, his face so scared and forehead worried. i kept holding his hand and telling him it was ok. its ok dad. he left us.
Im trying to be strong and hold it inside but i feel like I'm drowning, and a burden to everyone. i need help Im a mess.
Thank you so much for your honesty in your post, and a warm welcome to our forums.
I am so so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. Truly. Losing somebody in the family is never easy, especially when it's a parent. While I haven't experienced the pain of losing my father, I have experienced the pain of losing my grandfather in a similar way to what you have described for your dad. My grandfather also hated hospitals, like your dad. It's so difficult seeing someone you love in a hospital setting in any capacity, especially when you know that they don't inherently want to be there.
After my grandfather's passing, I also felt like I was drowning and that I was a burden to everyone. That's a very normal reaction. Just know that it's okay to grieve, and that everybody deals with grief in their own way. The grief journey is never linear, and you may find that your emotions will fluctuate from time to time. If you feel like you need to cry or let out your emotions, feel free to do so. If you feel that you need some time and space to process your feelings and be alone, give this to yourself. If there's anything I learnt after my grandfather passed, it's that it's so important to nurture yourself and give your mind and body what they need.
If you feel comfortable and have a good relationship with her, you can always have a talk with your mum about your feelings. She can likely relate to a lot of what you're feeling at the moment. If there's anyone else in your immediate or even extended family who you would be able to talk to openly about how you're feeling, I find that this is a great way of expressing your emotions with each other, and even bonding over shared experiences that you had with your loved one during their lifetime. Reminiscing offered me and my family great healing, and also allowed us to share our feelings with each other and grieve together.
Have you tried or considered talking to your GP, seeing a therapist, counsellor, or psychologist? You can always have a chat to a mental health professional about your feelings, and they may be able to offer you some professional advice to help support you on your grief journey.
I wish you and your family all the best during this time. Please continue to chat with us on the forums, we're here to support you during this time.
Sending all my love, SB
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. I can hear the emotions and grief through your words. Very sorry for your loss. May he rest in peace.
I know you are grieving at this point in time. What are you doing to cope with your loss? Remember we still have to take care of ourselves.
It is difficult but I know you will get through. You sound very brave and strong.
Take care of yourself and I am always here to chat.