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Mum of son who took his own life

Christina_S
Community Member
Hi, I'm Christina. My son Tim took his own life at the age of 34 in November 2017. He left behind so many people who loved him, but especially his sister (my daughter Mel) who is now 30 years old. Mel just had a beautiful baby girl in July this year and she is getting married in August next year. I am feeling overwhelmed as Tim's birthday is September and he passed away in November so it is a difficult time of year. Mel and I went shopping for her wedding dress a couple of weeks ago and even though we should be completely happy and excited, we both just feel so sad that Tim is not here to be a part of this. We miss him so much and even though it has been 4 years, it is still to unbelievable that he is not here with us. I cry all the time and I feel guilty that I did not see how much pain he must have been in. Any joy any more seems to be drowned in sadness. I have a supportive husband and Mel's partner is an incredibly understanding and supportive man. Even so I feel so alone and on my own in my pain. I feel strange asking if there are any others who have been through the same thing (God forbid, however I know that suicide is on the rise in young people) because that would mean that you are going through the same hell. It feels like this cloud will be with me forever, although I know logically that it will pass as we get into the new year. It usually does but right now I feel wretched. Anyone relate? I have been to a psychologist  and that all made sense but it doesn't take the pain away. After Tim died, my younger brother Mike was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was just 50. Tim passed in the November and Mike died the following March. Tims son Damian ) is 17 and Mikes son Nic (my nephew) is 20. These poor young men losing their dads within months of each other. It is all so bloody sad and it is coming up to Christmas yet again. I don't know why I am writing on this forum. I have supported Beyond Blue since Tim passed away. Kind regards, Christina S
9 Replies 9

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Christina S,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that things have been so hard for you over these past few years, we can only imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling after losing your son. We want to remind you that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Hanna3
Community Member

Hi Christina,

I read your post and wondered what I could possibly offer you... to lose your son and your brother.. I am so very, very sorry. I cannot imagine how you have got through such losses.

Your grief is palpable just from reading your words. I was grief stricken just reading them.

Dear lady, if only I could reach out and hold your hand, or put my arms around you and hug you tight, I would.

I don't know how you begin to cope with the loss of your son Tim in such a way, and then Mike.

I had a friend once whose sister was bridesmaid at her wedding. On her way driving home afterwards, her sister's car somehow ran{ into a truck and she was killed outright. She was 21 and had just finished her nursing degree.

Her sister whose wedding it had been already had a baby and she said the greatest comfort was cuddling that young life.

I haven't been through what you have. You have, thank goodness, a daughter and her child and her partner. Hang on to that love.

I'm so terribly, terribly sorry about your son. He would not have wanted to bring such pain to you.

I wish I could say I knew a way to deal with your grief. I can only say how much I feel for you, and encourage you to cling to your love for your daughter and grandchild.

I hope others here will come by to help support you. Is there more you would like to tell us here? About Tim or Mike?

I can't find words, but I can sit here with you.

Again, I am so very sorry.

💕💝🌹

Petal22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Christina S,

Wellcome to our forums.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son and brother.

I understand this would be so difficult for you.

Im sure these two souls are still with you just in another way.

Please try to forgive your self for not knowing how your son was feeling, it’s really hard to see this in someone who is struggling with mental health unless they can openly express it themselves which is why it’s so sad that some still feel the stigma around it and feel they can’t speak up.

Grief really has no time limit just take all the time you need.

Thank you for supporting Beyondblue and please know we are here for you and your family if you want to keep chatting to us on this thread.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Christina, you have every right to post a comment about these tragic losses and know there are no answers to the questions you keep asking yourself, but we all feel this suffering you are experiencing and offer our greatest sympathy for you.

Our hearts are broken in every possible way to learn of this and only wish we could physically hug you to help you through this terrible time.

Geoff. x

Thank you Hanna.

Amylou18
Community Member

Thank you for sharing Christina. Your story has helped me feel less alone. I lost my brother to suicide in 2018, and come March I will be marrying one of his good friends, that he introduced me to. The thought of not having him with me on our wedding day when he was the catalyst for our relationship has been weighing on me heavily, more and more as the day gets closer.

I understand your feelings of happy moments being drenched in the sadness if his absence, I too find family gatherings and special occasions hard to bear without him.

I hope you and your daughter can enjoy her special day and hope that Tim is watching over you, as I hope Craig will be for me.

Grass
Community Member

Christina 🙂

Sorry I seen your post this late. My first day on here.

although everyone is different and I can’t say I know Your pain! I do know of The pain. I too lost my son to suicide in 2018 at just just 32 years old.
My feelings of what could I have done, what could I have seen etc will forever haunt me. I can only hope there is light at the end of the tunnel and life, although different can become happy again.
I hope you are finding your way. 🙂

Look forward, it’s ok ! 🙂 hugs

LYCB
Community Member
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a few weeks ago and the grief is almost unbearable. And like you said about your son, he was someone who meant a lot to a lot of people. I'm so sorry for his sister, I don't know what kind of pain she is but it must be so hard. I also felt the same that I wasn't quite sure why I posted, but please know that your post meant a lot to me today.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Christina and all

Yes, so sorry to hear of your losses.

I'm 66yo. Lost my brother to suicide in 1979, he was 26yo, my uncle at 82yo a Kokoda veteran. My sister daughter and I all have made attempts many years ago prior to learning bipolar was in the family. Last year my wife lost her mum, dad and step father all to cancer or Parkinsons.

Having bipolar and dysthymia has caused me to have half my life with free flowing tears, a sad existence until meds made things good. Part of the process of healing was found in a non religious more of a spiritual way...I found life far easier by accepting life's hurdles as -well being part of life. Sounds easy, you know it isn't. So what else?

  • I tell myself my passed loved ones would be saying "you're alive, live to the full
  • Plant a rose bush and dedicated it to your son or sponsor a school award.
  • Go on YouTube to watch videos by -Maharaji Prem Rawat. "Sunset" is my favourite and -"all is well" and "appreciate"
  • Family support is great by relying on ot can drain others over time. I'd recommend group therapy for that reason
  • Feel free to acknowledge bad days. It's understandable.
  • Guilt is also understandable but non beneficial. Google: beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor
  • "On my own" yes, it is a lonely feeling. Distract yourself. Fill your life with a passion, hobbies, sport. Google: beyondblue topic distraction and variety
  • Give love, you have heaps spare.
  • Life journey can be amazing, plan it.
  • Your daughter with grieving for her brother no different to my brother will develop resilience.

I hope that helps. We are here for you.

TonyWK