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lost in grief and depression

mash
Community Member

This is a first post for me . my husband of 34 years died of a heart attack 2 months ago this was devestating. I have nightmares of those lasts minutes seeing the many ambulance officers jabbing him with needles etc. It felt like I was on auto pilot for ages and I was coping but after the funeral it became harder it was like someone had ripped away half of me my stronger half was gone my identity was gone my place in the world was gone I didn't know who I was as a single person, I still don't. I constatly cried uncrontroled especially at night never liked people to see me this way I was the one people came to for help I didn't really know who or how to ask for me.  l got intouch with a free councilor  after a few sessions I told her every night I thought of suicide  even had a plan. then before I new I was having a panic attack but really thought it was a heart attack. I ended up in emergency then the mental health ward for 2 weeks under suicide watch.  This alone was another nightmare it felt like I was being punished for telling someone how I felt I was in jail I lost control over my life nobody even myself trusted me. I am at home now struggling again with thoughts of suicide and feeling useless the doctors say its complicated grief depression and anxiety. please this is not all of my story is there anyone who has been through this I need to know there is light up there I keep sinking lower and lower each day. Mental health unit are setting up support and I have found a different councilor I feel I can trust and talk to but I seem to go backwards most nights. I have never been alone or a single person before I feel lost don't know who I am  don't know if or where I fit in the world. 

4 Replies 4

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Mash, sorry to hear about your husband, we always believe that nothing like this will ever happen and that life will just roll on for ever, but unfortunately it doesn't.

When we feel suicidal we want to tell someone, but then we are carted off to the mental unit where we regret telling anyone, and all we want to is to go home.

I wanted to go home because of my little puppie Tessie, not the one in this photo, and all I said was I have to go home to look after her, it made no difference, I had to stay there until I pretended that I was OK.

This brings the point of maybe getting a 2 or 3 year old dog or cat that desperately needs a home, something that can get you company.

They are truly beautiful animals that plug an empty hole and their loyalty is always there to love you so much. L Geoff. x

mash
Community Member

thanks Geoff we had a small dog for 15 years not long ago she developed cancer and we delayed hopeing she would get better but had to stop being selfish and make that dreaded decision we all hope we never have to. It was like loosing a family member even a child which we never were able to have, I decided then and still do now never to be in that situation again it was really devestating . still lost  trying to understand the various feelings I am going through but can't cope well at night and not sleeping which doesn't help always tired. I still feel that ending it would stop the pain confusion and hoplessness I feel every night. The mental health team will be visiting tomorrow hopefully to outline a support system and I am seeing a really good councilor now. Hopefully with the combination I will begin learning how to cope better. I keep thinking I must be here for a reason and I keep asking for help which must mean inside I want to keep going but just need to learn how now.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Mash, having a good counsellor means the world, you can tell them anything and everything, and it puts us in a situation where there are no arguments just discussions, support and professional empathy.

My Tessie had cancer and I did everything possible to keep her alive, I know the vet thought that her time was up, but I didn't, but that day had to come.

I know that my affection will grow stronger, although I still love Moo-Moo, and that's the reason I got her, to soften the blow of having to put Tessie in a resting spot for ever, but I really adored her, and I still have bad days, but without Moo-Moo it would be worse.

Why don't you take a walk at the local pound, but take someone with you, there will be some lovely little dog dying for a cuddle, one that you know that has been waiting for someone like you, truly it will make a difference for you, I know that you have said that you don't want to have another pet, but if I came to you and said 'can you look after Moo-Moo for an hour or so, then you may change your mind.

Imagine your new dog sleeping on your bed and cuddling up to you, and of course they take up the whole bed. L Geoff. x

Lara45
Community Member

Hi Mash, I've just joined this site and found your post.

i feel your pain although I have not lost my partner through death - he just left, won't speak to me, I don't know where he is. This all happened about 4 months ago and I have had to taken to pretend that he has died in order to cope with my loss.

I am so sad to read your story. I almost feel guilty to feel sad and depressed after only being with my ex for 3.5 years! I can't begin to imagine the loss you have suffered after 34 years. 

I was also hospitalised recently for trying to take my own life, although I could have done a better job, I think it was a cry for help really but there are days where I wish I'd done the job. Not even the birth of my first grandson gave me the strength to carry on with life... I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel either, but I'm plodding through day by day.

I can't provide any advice whatsoever, but I can empathise. I feel your pain. You need family and friends around you, you end to keep active, busy and you need to keep your mind stimulated. And yes, visit an animal shelter and, if you can, adopt a pet that needs love. We all need love and companionship, animals do too.

id love to put my arms arounds you and give you a big hug, tell you that life will go on but it will be a different life to what you were used to. 

I'm not big on religion at all, but I personally found some truths within the Buddhist faith, particularly in regards to their advice on loss and attachment. Nevertheless, people can say what they like and it won't take that visceral pain away at all.

let us know how you are going please. You are not alone. 

Lara