Losing a friend/lover

[Ajn86]

Hi, i recentley lost my friend Daniel to suicide. We used to date back when we were 16. We bonded over music and we always had a great laugh together, we got along easily. He returned to my life six months ago and we fell in love. He was recently out of a marriage and wanted to slow down. We ended up having a chaotic few months as i wanted to date and he didnt. Finally things came together and we began to make plans to start dating. He was having trouble with his ex wife and the parenting of his kids and committed suicide after leaving me an angry voicemail saying i had caused him nothing but pain. After that i lost contact with him and suffered a nervous breakdown/pshycotic episode and was hospitalized. When i was discharged i called him and his best mate to see what had happened and he said he had committed suicide. Im struggling with the loss as we would have such a great time together when we hung out and i saw him as my future. He was the closest id come to love and a relationship since the breakdown of my marriage and i feel alone and wonder how will i ever meet somebody else. I feel isolated and sad that i lost such a great person and old friend.

[pipsy]

Hi Ajn86. Please accept my sincerest condolences on this tragic loss. The pain he was in was really nothing to do with you re-entering his life, that is something you have to start believing. I would say everything he was going through, problems with his ex, children possibly causing him to stress, worrying how the divorce and all that was involved there, would affect the children. How old are the children? They must be feeling pretty devastated by losing their dad so tragically. Maybe his ex was also causing him angst about him re-connecting with you. It could be that he was also physically unwell and just couldn't reach out in time. Maybe you could write him a letter, telling him you love him and wish he could've been saved. Let him know you'll never forget the happiness you shared. Try to focus on the good memories. Sometimes when people are emotionally 'broke' they lash out at the nearest person, in this case, you. Perhaps he couldn't unleash his anger anywhere else and you were the unfortunate recipient. If you do write, let him know you forgive him his anger. I'm sure if he could've apologised, he would've. Angry voice mails usually mean momentary anger, not long lasting. It's possible he also messaged his ex similarly to the one you got. I'm sure you will love again, maybe not so intensely, but because you have loved, you will again.

If you feel you need help, please don't hesitate. Ring BB's helpline, or lifeline. We're here for you as is lifeline. Our 24/7 helpline is at the top of the page.

Lynda.

[Ajn86]

Thanks Lynda. His children were 8years old, a daughter, 6 years old, a daughter and 1year old, a son. What you have said is really helpful. I do focus on the good times and i forgive him the bad. You were right, i believe the separation and all that was invloved and the nasty fights, finanical difficulty, depression, being separated from his children contributed and yes his wife was giving him a hard time about me. I believe that the problems were much deeper than me being back in his life. I also feel very sorry for his children and do not know how they could handle such a devastating loss. His best friend from highschool and through out his adult years who has now lost him, his mother whose children were her life. His ex who still loves him and didnt want to break up, who went through the nasty breakup, now raising the children on her own. Its a big loss to everyone to lose him. He was a great person. I have been writing to him alot and talking to him, he seems to be on my mind quite alot

[Tup]

Hi, I lost my mum 11 weeks ago, she was only 61 Without warning and we had to make the decision to turn off life support, if it's any help I write to her quite often. I need some form of release. I have just had my first ever bday without her and that's was horrible. I found myself looking through cataloges today for a Mother's Day gift before I realised she has gone. You do what you need to do but don't lock your grief away as it will haunt you xxx