Looking for support due to death of father

[Generic_name]

Hello to anyone reading this,

I am looking for support, as my father committed suicide this morning, and I am having abit of trouble coping.

My father was a good man, with no outward signs of suicidal thoughts.

He is loved so much, by so many people. He has 10 times the amount of friends that I do. He always tried to make others happy, and was a great friend.

Everyone in mine and my fathers family and friend circle are shocked, and absolutely devastated.

Last week, my partner gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. They are currently overseas caught up in this virus bullshit, and my father never got to see him.

I am just so hurt, upset, angry, confused and lost.

If anyone can reccomend a place to start to help, that would be great.


Fighting back tears,
Generic User.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Generic, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we're glad you made your way here tonight. 

We are so sorry for your loss, we can't imagine how devastated you must feel. Please know that you've come to a safe space and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need.

We'd recommend getting in touch with Griefline - 1300 845 745. GriefLine provides counselling support services free of charge to individuals and families who are experiencing loss and grief. 

It might also be helpful to read through the content on the Support after Suicide website. They provide information, resources, counselling and group support for those bereaved by suicide. 

Hopefully, a few of our welcoming community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this time of adjustment. 

[geoff]

Hello Generic name, my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your father and know that this must be devastating to be able to cope with and deeply sorry that you have to experience this.

There will be many questions you will ask yourself that may go unanswered, but your dad must have been hiding the fears he was suffering from, and unfortunately, this can happen because people maybe frightened to open up to their family and/or their friends.

It is important that you receive some counselling so a therapist or a psychologist can help or make you adjust to the situation you are now in, which includes so many issues.

I hope you can allow us to be able to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[smallwolf]

Hi Viper1966. Such a tragic situation that brings you to beyond blue. My deepest sympathies to you at this time. I cannot imagine what you would would be thinking or feeling. Firstly, let me echo the sentiments of the previous posters.

There is no prescribed checklist to go through. There is no timetable. Your feelings at this time are normal.

If you let me, I will tell you a story (a very short one) about my own father... he had been on medication for many years. One day he was not feeling well but wanted to go for a walk - that could make him feel better. Mum asked to join him as she wanted me to keep an eye on him. We walked and talked. He told me of a desire for death. So we got home. My mum heard what happened when they went to their GP about 30min later and before lunch. She did not know how he had been feeling. Or how low he was.

We (men?) have a good way of not telling how we are feeling. Or not knowing how to talk. The signs might not be obvious. In my case it might also be a generational thing. The face we present to other vs how we feel. It may be none of these for you or your father. Please know that we are here and listening to support you at this time.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,
Tim

[joyous]

That is so very sad. I just lost my mother recently, but not too suicide; more due to criminal negligence. The only thing that has helped me a tiny bit and I can offer for you is to try is to see if you can make a tiny shift in your emotions even if it's just to curiosity or anger and blame. Was there perhaps some underlying medical (physical) reason he didn't want to stick around? Financial? I managed to shift my grief to anger and am working up the ladder. After a month (to the day) I'm probably stuck at Boredom now (yay!) but even have flickers of my old wicked sense of humour (something I shared with my Mum). It'll be a fine day when (I just changed that from "if" so that's a positive sign too) I ever achieve Contentment but I have a glimmer of hope now. Talking it out with siblings has helped me a bit. I hope you have someone you can really talk to so you don't feel alone with your mixed up feelings. You didn't mention your mother. If she is still in the picture, she probably needs all the support you can muster even when you might feel you have nothing to give.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Generic name

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father and that you are not there to be with your family at this time also, this is really devastating and adds to much more pain to an already horrific feeling of despair, if that is possible.

I too have lost a member of my family to suicide, I too came here to look for answers, while I didn't find the answers to the questions I started asking, I found so much more. This forum, right here, doing what you are doing is a wonderful place to start. Welcome and I am just so very sorry that you too have this burning pain.

I will try to answer some of the questions you have put here..from my learnings and from what I have experienced, it may not be true for you. You mentioned the very same things as me, all the reasons your dear father "should" have had to stay, he had friends, more than you as you said, he was a good man, he was loved and the hardest one to manage..there were no signs. From what I have learnt about suicide it is mostly not what is going on externally in a person's life, although this can have a huge impact, it is the internal dialogue. Feeling of worthlessness, feeling they are a burden, feeling that this world and the people they love would be better off without them and their pain and their 'hassles". This is the face of depression and anxiety and other mental illnesses that distort ones thinking and feeling so very much that reality does not come into play.

I am very sure your father knew he was loved, that he knew he had great friends and a wonderful family. You are not to blame here and you are also not to blame for "not knowing" that your father was struggling. How do we help someone when there is no reason to ask "Are you ok?". How do we know there is pain inside a person when the mask of ill mental health is worn so well, to make it look like "everything is fine". You would not put a cast on an arm that is not broken, why would you ask a person who "seems to have it all" if they are ok.

I hope you can reach out to get some grief counselling, this was where I learnt about my confusion and my horrible thoughts and even blame, and learnt to see suicide for what it is, to become educated to know it was not our fault and to know that there is healing and that we will feel better..just a little bit but we will laugh again and smile again and remember our loved one with joy.

I am so very sorry you too are on this journey but we are here for you.

Hope to chat some more

Hugs

Sarah