It's just too much!
I am so tired of it all. Just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world. Here's my story. After busting my husband 3x on dating websites, we split up for a year. The kids stayed with me but visited him often. Then my little sister came to visit, and ended up staying for 5 MONTHS! Her son was quite problematic, and she desperately needed help with him. However, my eldest who has Aspergers really wasn't coping with having this other child there, the routine was out of whack, they hated each other etc. when his grades started slipping I decided to send them to live with their father, as it was a better place for them at that time, and my sister had nowhere else to go. So, fast forward, hubby and I decide to get back together, and move to Qld from Vic. I went first, then a month later they all came and joined me. Start getting things worked out, next thing, my father finds out he has cancer. So I went down to visit him, I had to argue with my husband who didn't want me to go, but I put my foot down. Every time I tried to talk to my husband about Dad he would just say "it's his own fault, because he's a smoker." In a really nasty tone. So I stopped talking to him about it, I think that is when I drew into myself, and started holding everything in. Looking back, that is about the time my depression started. One night, I meant to ring Dad but was at work and forgot. At 3:30am I got a phone call saying he had died. I can't help feeling guilty for forgetting that phone call. i went down for the funeral, after again arguing with hubby about how long I was going. Dad has left his estate in a mess, and out of all the family, I'm the only one who even has a remote hope of fixing it and being able to keep our childhood home. My brother has had lots of mental health issues before, and honestly, I fear for his sanity if we lose this house, it's the only thing he is clinging to at the moment.
i went to see my doctor who put me down to see a counsellor. This was 4 months ago, I still haven't been able to see one. At this point I felt like the world was depending on me to be the strong one, and i am crumbling under the weight of it. My work is slipping, I'm ignoring my kids and husband in favour of sitting staring at the wall. I can't even remember the last time I felt happy.
One day, we took the dog for a walk, and I thought to myself that I was actually feeling pretty close to happy for the first time in months. 2 hours later, I found out my hubby was making arrangements for his ex to come stay in a caravan nearby, so he could go over there and be "friends with benefits". Yes, my world crumbled again. I confronted him, and he denied it at first. I snapped then, it all came to a head, and I punched him. First thing he did was call the police on me and get a DV order. Yeah, I'm dirty on that, he hit me a few times over the years and I never did anything. Stupid me. So when he finally admits it, he tells me it's all my fault, and that I haven't even been trying to love him, and that I'm "not enough" for him. Didn't help that the girl was telling me thAt I obviously wasn't good enough or else he wouldn't have had to look elsewhere. I couldn't help wondering if they were right? I know I haven't been as attentive lately, I felt like there was an opaque wall between me and the world. I tried to explain this to hubby, but he just took it as me meaning I didn't care about him. I tried to tell him it was not just him, I haven't been caring about anything. Even to cook or shower seemed too much trouble. My husband and I decided to separate, but because of what drama the kids have been through already, we decided to continue living in the same house, to try to keep things stable for them, as my youngest is already having problems at school, and anger issues at home, he once pulled a knife on his brother. What kind of mother am I that my 6 year old pulls a knife on someone!?
3 nights later, I ended up contemplating suicide. I just couldn't handle any more. It's all just too much, all within the space of a year. The next day I went to the doctor and got sleeping tablets and anti depressants. About a week later, I admit it, I picked the argument with hubby, and yelled at him which ended up me getting charged with breaking the DV order. So now my job is in jeopardy because of that, I look after disabled people, and they are currently deciding if I get to keep my yellow card.
this was about 2 weeks ago. The last 2 days, I have felt good, and I thought excellent, the tablets are working, I'm getting better! Today I went to reach for my husbands hand while we were walking, just out of habit, and remembered I can't do that any more. That made me really sad, and I started thinking about everything again. Then my son asked me a question and I answered wrong, and he acted so superior like I was a total moron. Normally it wouldn't worry me, but I was already feeling down, and it just increased my feelings of inferiority. I ended up sitting in my bedroom this afternoon writing horrible nasty things all over my body, which is not something I have ever done before. I found myself thinking of suicide again, but I have two beautiful boys to live for, they would never understand why Mum left them. So I have to keep slogging on, even though I don't feel like it.
and that is my story up until now. If you got through the epic, well done and thank you.
wow, thanks for sharing. I read through it, and despite all was quite surprised at how calm I imagined you to be writing it all. You have been through a lot and have much on your plate. Not at all an envious position. I don't feel there is much to say that can help you, other than to steer clear of your husband. I would limit contact to absolute necessity in regard to child custody issues. I am surprised you give him the time of day. He does not at all sound supportive. At the same time you need that help, that person you can trust, that person you can talk to. Hopefully soon you can find someone. I wish you all the best!