I've lost Mum and Dad

lee74 · ‎19-02-2016

Hello,

Now both my parents are gone I feel so lonely, lost and struggling to cope.

My Dad passed away in 2010, he was in high care nursing home with Mum (Mum had been in care since 2007) . It wasn't unexpected but still so hard. Dad was scared to leave Mum, he had cared for her for so many years (Mum also suffered with mental illness from her mid 40's). He asked me, the youngest of us 4 kids and the only girl, to look after Mum. This seemed to make it more peaceful for him. He was 76 when he passed away.

Through looking after Mum for 5 years we had alot of ups and downs. In 2007 she had renal failure, had her last rites read to her, we were told it was her time. She was such a strong willed woman she recovered. At this time she also had suffered 8 strokes which we only found out through a cat scan. She was unable to walk from here on in, although mentally she was wonderful.

We had some extremely funny times as Mum would just say what was on her mind not caring too much for other people's feeling, also very sad times. But I guess this was Mums way of coping.

She passed away 7th November last year. She deteriorated over a few months, she was worn out.

It was so hard to see, I was the only one with her when she passed, daunting but grateful. She also was 76.

I like to think I did exactly what Dad had asked of me right to the end, he would not have wanted her to be alone.

This is my first post, hope it's ok. My name is lee and I'm 41yo.

Thanks for your patience.

xox

geoff · ‎19-02-2016

dear Lee, my sincere condolences to you for the loss of both your parents, who most dearly loved.
Looking after your mum at home was certainly an honour which would have pleased your dad, because that's what he wanted,
as he could no longer could be able to do himself, that was his final wish and his final dream, which you had taken on
board and full-filled his wish.
I realise that there must have been times when it was difficult for all concerned, but that's what love for a parent
means to fullfill a dream promised to your father after all the years he cared for he.
Please can I commend you on everything you did for the love of your parents. Geoff. x

Elizabeth CP · ‎19-02-2016

Hi Lee, I am sorry for your loss & I really liked Geoff's reply. Grief is a very personal thing so everyone's journey is different & what is helpful to one person is not right for another. I will share some of my experiences in the hope it may help a little. I cared for my mum for 12 years after my dad died. She was physically disabled. I was particularly close to my dad when he died. I certainly missed both of them & still do years later. I tried to focus on the positives. I like to think of both my parents together in the afterlife enjoying each others company & free of the pain, illnesses & disabilities that dogged them in life. I am grateful they died the way they did knowing they were loved & not having their suffering prolonged. Their deaths were a release from their illnesses & disabilities. I like to keep remembering the good times we had together and talk to my children about them so their goodness is passed on through the generations.

Keep remembering those funny things your mum said & did & the fact you fulfilled your dad's final wish.

The grief & loss will remain but by focusing on the good things re your relationship with your parents you will gain the peace needed to bear it.

pipsy · ‎19-02-2016

Dear lee. As Geoff has already said, may I please add my sincerest condolences to you. Try to focus on all the great times you shared with two wonderful people. The values they taught you as you were growing. The sincere, genuine love they shared together and with you and your siblings. I hope you and your brothers are able to share your memories of these two people. When the sadness about losing them builds up (as it will), remember they're together caring for each other, you looked after your mum till she was able to join your dad. I don't know if you're married or have a family, but if you do, talk about your mum and dad to your partner/children. Share with them the happy memories you have of growing up, the fun you had as a family.

lee74 · ‎19-02-2016

Hello,
A big thank you to Geoff, Elizabeth CP and Pipsy for your time and thoughts.
Firstly I need to correct the fact that I didn't care for Mum at home. She was in an Aged Care (High Care) facility.
She had been in high care since 2008, before Dad passed.
I did however collect Mum's washing, look after her finances and provided what she needed. Also bringing her home to my place occasionally for an outing. I did also have to change her facility as the one she was in (where Dad died) closed down, which turned out to be a blessing, Mum was so much happier when she moved, she really liked the new place and it was only 10min away from me.
I also have 3 older brothers. I was in an
abusive relationship for almost 10 years, the father on my 2 children. I called on my brothers a few times for help to get out of violent situations, they did come to my rescue. but I continually went back, (I believed the "SORRY" every time, until things got extremely bad and I finally realized he would end up killing me(I grew up)). So my brothers decided to let me go and have nothing to do with me. I was a lost cause in their eyes.

Mum always stuck by me, I would call her up at 3 am after I had been belted and she would always answer the phone. Dad didn't talk to me for about a year or so, but he too was there for me and my kids every time. I can't imagine how hard this would have been for them to watch.

lee74 · ‎19-02-2016

However I was able to apologize to Dad and Mum for what I put them through.As the family was divided, I was unable to attend many Christmases and other occasions, but when the brothers weren't around I had my time. I spent alot of time with them escaping for a few weeks, but then returning. I finally let for good in 2002. I was extremely scared but had to do it for my kids. (He passed away in 2005 from a drug overdose, the bit that saddened me was the fact that my kids didn't have a Father any more. but it was also a huge relief, we didn't have to be scared all the time, he burnt my car and was always threatening he was coming to get me).I thought when Mum was passing the brothers and I became a lot closer, however they weren't happy with Dad's decision to take care of Mum, I was told they didn't trust me. Turns out they were wrong they all got their share that was theirs. And all Mum's expenses have been paid.On the day Mum passed I was alone with her. I was soo upset, didn't know what to do. It unfortunately took me 45 min to notify any of them, again in their eyes I messed up and was yelled at by them for the time delay.I haven't heard from any of them since Mum's funeral. This hurts too, but I always knew it would be this way once our parents died, I guess I'm faced now with having no family. I know they clearly want nothing to do with me, and I also won't contact them, I'm a bit stubborn that way and would just rather leave them be.Thank you and sorry if I rambled, a lot to explain.
xox

blondguy · ‎20-02-2016

Dear Lee..As Pipsy & Geoff already said...I offer my sincere condolences to you for the loss of your dad and more recently the loss of your dad.

I cant even begin to fathom or even understand what you and your 3 brothers have gone through. I have read your post thoroughly Lee. Both of your parents passed at 76...I have no words....

Both of my parents are still with us and in their mid '80s...I cant offer very much here Lee..

You have done your dad proud Lee...He knows how well you have done...

Your first post was beautiful Lee....

I hope you can be back on here Lee...Many people can benefit from your post and what you have gone through...including me..my mum is 86 and her health is failing..

Be kind to yourself lee...x

Paul

geoff · ‎20-02-2016

dear Lee, I can sympathise with you and what happened with and how your husband treated you, as it's always despicable how
these guys believe that have total control over the lady they marry, changing from being a loving person and then turning
into a monster, and it's something which no one knows until you are married.
When someone we love passes away there maybe no indication or warning that her time was near, so you weren't able to contact
any of your brothers because you were unsure, and unfortunately when she did go, it would have only put you into shock, not
knowing what to do, as I also felt this way when all the family were around Mum's bed when she died, who was going to make a
decision on what to do, who do we ring, but the nursing home then took over and handled it all.
What you did was what you thought was the responsible thing to do, and people could questioned all of this, but how do you
know if they were in the same situation they would take the right action, well you don't.
You have your own life to live now to offer all your very best for your children, but remember life can be hard with many
ups and downs, hard decisions to make and sometimes we all make the wrong decision, but there is light eventually. Geoff. x

fluffyduck · ‎20-02-2016

Hello lee, I understand about how you feel because I also lost my dad in 2010 . i know how it feels to be all alone in a world full of people. i just would like to say to you that the more you talk to others about how you feel and never bottling it up is far more mentally heathy for you than you think. a lot of people say it gets a little bit more easy every day and in a way it does but never feel that's its not ok to cry because its ok to miss someone you loved very much. cheer up sweet and just remember you have the rest of your family and friends who care about you. take care.xo

pipsy · ‎20-02-2016

Dear lee. I really feel for you, what you have been through defies everything. Geoff is right when he says that losing someone close i.e parent/partner/children, your mind goes into 'blank' mode. Especially if you were the last person with them. When I lost my mum (she was in N.Z, I was here), I went to 'view' her before the funeral. I felt, personally, if I had this time with her, it would help. My first reaction on seeing her after so many years of estrangement, that's not my mother. It was also a form of denial. This could also have been part of your initial shock on losing your mum. You knew it was going to happen, but like Geoff said, no-one knows 'when'. It takes time to accept when we lose someone, in that 45 minutes (which, by the way isn't that long), you had to compose yourself, figure out what to say, prepare for questions which you couldn't answer. I feel your brothers were totally out of line and unacceptable with their treatment of you at that sad time. Anger, resentment, betrayal and possibly guilt would've triggered their response to what happened. It was easier to blame you than admit they should've put differences aside. Have you considered getting some grief counselling to help you with all you're dealing with. You've had a Hell of a lot to contend with losing parents, siblings behaviour, ex hubby with his carry-on. Also dealing with your own kids anger over their dad. That's a huge package you're carrying, I would consider getting some help to get you through so you can rebuild your life. You are entitled to some happiness, you deserve a decent life.

Take care of yourself, learn to love yourself. You are a kind, loving, thoughtful person.