Dear Spudnik
Hello and welcome to the forum. As Zeal has said, it takes a lot of courage to post here, especially after such a loss. Please accept my sympathies for the loss of your friend, I know it is hard to understand.
I have been in your situation a several times. It seems the pain of living is too hard to bear, no one cares and no one would notice if we are not here. And when you are told it will pass or that your thoughts and feelings are normal in the circumstances and will change it's enough to make you want to scream.
Spudnik, it is very hard and I do understand the envy you feel. Often when I heard of someone's suicide I wanted to have the same release from my pain. My children are all adults with families of their own and I have rationalised my thoughts to say they would not miss me.
But this is not the main reason for attempting to take your life. I did not even consider my family or my friends. I was in such a dreadful place I believed the world would be better without me. All I wanted was an end to pain.
Do you have any supportive people round you? People you can go to, not necessarily to talk but just to be there. I was able to go to my daughter's home and stay overnight if I wished. I went to work from there and returned there until I felt stronger. Then I went home and started again.
I don't know if it helps to know someone else has the same struggle as you. It helped me to know I was not the only one going through this dreadful experience. The best way I found was to set some goals. Mainly it was to wait for a certain period but sometimes it was because I had promised to do something. My goal was to accomplish that task or wait the set time and see how I felt. Although I hated the waiting because I just wanted life to be over and done with, it did help me gain some strength and courage, and also to see (sometimes) that maybe there was something to live for.
So only look forward a few hours or a day. The future will still be there but when you constantly look ahead and all you see is darkness, then the hope drains away. Keep your gaze firmly fixed on the next step, the next day, the next hour. It's a bit like exercising, something I dislike, but which will exercise your determination and strength and nurse and nourish you until you can stand alone. It will be hard but you have shown you can withstand the blows you receive. Please trust these blows will decrease and go away.
Keep writing to your new family at BB.
Mary
