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I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones

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I am struggling to remember details of various lost & loved ones.   My mind is in disarray, and simply going through the motions is extremely difficult.  However, typing it up on a forum seems less difficult than either talking to someone in person, or once again swallowing the sadness, only to have it bubble up again at some point.  Trying to smile, if only for the sake of others, can't seem to manage one without a whimper. It's only been a few hours since I managed my last one, only a few days since I truly felt happy.  Looking into the mirror does little more than remind me of how I looked yesterday.  I know I'm upsetting my family, and I feel unable to express my emotions without upsetting them any further. There's always a limit to the amount of symptoms I can cover up, or mask with various treatments.  I'm even wondering where my sense of humour has gone.  I'm forever seeking a middle-ground, surrounding myself with friends and family(or even strangers) whilst burying myself in work, in the hopes of distracting myself from dealing with the grief.  Any help or advice would be very much appreciated.

3 Replies 3

Community Member

Dear striving,

There's a lot of pressure and expectation in your thread.   Fitting in with family, trying to remember painful details and even where you think you should fit in.

I've come to realise that when we want to NOT do something our brains tend to do the opposite,  Burying yourself in work is a classic - most would think that would get rid of those bad thoughts.  But, no, it sometimes reinforces your need to have them and maybe get some counselling to help you through the thinking minefield.

When you mask something you generally guarantee it'll stay around.  Well done for typing something that must have been tricky for you.   I guess you know that your GP can stick you on a Mental Health Plan by taking a few details and then give you access to some counselling for a short period of time.  Making a booking would be impossible at first but also turning up is a huge task.  All in all you gotta work things out one way or another.

Just think of that old song "Once, Twice, Three times a Lady" and apply it to getting help - "This is the First, Second, Third time I'm trying to get a booking".  Or something like that.   I feel you have a lot of heart.  Just need to apply the defibralators and say "Clear" before letting the paddles boost your inner you. Grief is a tough topic to  talk about so take your time.

Adios, David.

Thankyou for the reply, David.

  I landed less than a week ago from a business trip, where exhaustion mixed rather unexpectedly with deeply emotional ties with a bunch of people I'd never met before.  So many responsibilities, so many deeply touching moments, & so many memories crashing home in such a short time span, it's been hard to deal with.

  Added to the mix, I unexpectedly fell in love with my travelling companion so quickly & so powerfully, it took me only until this morning to get back on my feet. And after a 3hr conversation via a chatbox, I've regained my smile, and apparently my sense of humour.  I haven't had an opportunity to laugh aloud as yet, but I'm looking forward to that. 

 I've had this happen before, just never quite so intensely. There are a few wrinkles to work out, but I can take care of those whilst on the move.  My cheeks ache, my eyes feel like dried grapes, my neck has seen better days & my back is full of complaints, but all else seems to be in decent working order.  

I have tried various medical treatments & plans, various doctors & social workers of varying abilities, most of which were all too eager to sign me up for said treatments.  And although I am aware of the various paths I can take to ease the suffering, many of those require a little rubber stamp somewhere in your files.   Privacy just isn't what it used to be.  😞  

That part about "finding a middle-ground" applies pretty much everywhere, even with medication.  And if the medications' pros are one or two words, or even take up a single line, whereas it's cons take up a few pages, I'll weigh up the risk, then go elsewhere.  I've had my fair share of frightening experiences with body parts doing what they really shouldn't be doing.  Sometimes you find yourself on a slew of various pills, every additional bottle only serving to ease the side effects of the previous one.  I'm so tired of resorting to that sort of thing.

Occasionally I've found a good professional to talk things through with, one that doesn't resort to clichéd scenarios/methods, one that really listens to you as opposed to doodling in their margins.  The unfortunate thing about that is the good ones are often head-hunted by higher paying employers.  So I resort to talking through my various troubles with friends & family.  Or inanimate objects.  Somehow, talking to a hose whilst spraying the garden can help.  Speaking into the wind has had it's moments, too.  Sometimes advantageous, helping to explain away those tears, to anyone who cares to comment.

This forum is truly a lifeline, in many ways.  Even without your reply, simply writing my feelings into the post-box helped me regain a little of what I'd thought I'd lost, and enabled me to achieve some sense of "normalcy".  Reading through others' posts helped me realise once again I wasn't so alone.  It can be quite lonely when trapped with your own thoughts, especially when digging through the darker corners of your memories, going over and over what you could have done, what you might have said, or what your final words should have been, in order to express your true feelings.  Speaking should come easily, but all too often the right words are floating around just out of my grasp.

It doesn't get any easier to deal with those emotions, & often all I have to rely on is past experience to get over it.  I find now I can remember more details, now that I'm talking about it.  

I'm afraid pressure will always be there, no matter what I do. Whenever one pressure is lifted, another takes its place.  The expectations should ease, though, & that's something to look forward to.  The responsibilities are always difficult, but manageable at the same time, & in some ways gratifying, in that it keeps me busy & I feel appreciated...sometimes. 🙂  

Thanks again. 

dear Strivingtosmile, no matter what our learned friend David Charles can bring a cheer to someone as usual, and that's what many want.

A lot of people find this site a great way to communicate with others because they are not stuck in room with a psych trying to answer questions, because normally we freeze or forget the most intricate problem, as we can be drawn away by the psych who is trying to associate our problems with past clients.

This is so true ' I find now I can remember more details, now that I'm talking about it', and this is because you have someone to listen to you, no interruptions, and the more the replies and return posts the more that is able to come out. Geoff.