How do I talk about it? How do I grieve?

[Crabapple]

Hi, I am new here.

Two weeks ago I lost my dear friend and mentor, my Grandmother. We were incredibly close and I had been heavily involved in her care until she passed. Before the funeral I just felt like a robot- going through all the processes, supporting my dad, helping with funeral arrangements. After the funeral, it hit me really hard and now I don't know what to do. I am still incredibly upset but it's like no one cares anymore, as in, now the funeral is over the grieving is meant to be finished?? Or I'm meant to be 'over it'?

I don't know what is normal. I think about her almost every minute, I choke up at the thought I can never see her again. I am holding it all in as I feel like no one wants to hear it anymore.

I don't know what to do.

[pipsy]

Dear Crabapple. Please accept my sincere condolences at this sad time. Losing friends, rellies, can be pretty devastating. The pain you are experiencing would be unbearable. No-one has the right to tell you when to grieve, when to stop, how to, how not to. Everyone grieves differently. You and your g'mother were extremely close, she was your mentor, therefore you shared a special bond. Can I ask if she had been sick long or is that a painful question. You don't have to answer. Perhaps if you could write and tell her you miss her smiling face. Share with her your memories, her joys at your triumphs, how she cheered you when you felt sad. You said you don't know what's 'normal'. 'Normal' is what you and she shared, 'abnormal' is the pain you now have at having lost her. Perhaps your dad is having problems dealing with his loss, she was his mum, men don't always know how to grieve. They're taught as youngsters that 'boys don't cry'. If you have a special photo of the two of you, look at it often, cry because you miss her. You said you'll never 'see' her again. That's not strictly true. While you will never actually see her again, living, you'll always see her in your memory. She'll always be in your heart, your soul. Grieving is important for healing, you need to grieve to heal. Don't be embarrassed about grieving. I wouldn't discuss your personal thoughts with anyone you don't feel close to. Do you have someone you can talk to? If you don't, we're here 24/7. We also have people willing to listen, guide. Reach out if you need to.

Lynda.

[Crabapple]

Hi Lynda,

Thank you so much for your reply. It really is very much appreciated and kind. I feel better when I talk things through, its like they just stay bottled in there and then I'm just crying at the drop of a hat or everything just irritates me. I like your idea of writing a letter, I think thats a good idea and might help 'let go' some of the emotions.

She had cancer and was sick, 3 years ago they told us she only had about 6 months so it kinda just felt like it would never happen. Shes German and very very tough. Things just went on as normal, we all knew it would happen at some and I thought I had prepared myself for her death. But then it all happened very quickly and none of it happened how I thought it would. I think in many ways, I thought the grief would happen directly after the death and then it would be ok.. but it like its happened the other way round. I kept it all together for the week leading up to the funeral, and now it is worse. I feel like i missed my chance to grieve with my family and now I am dealing with it on my own.

Thank you again so much for your advice and thoughts. I have my dad coming over on Sunday and I am hoping to try to talk to him then.

[Neil_1]

Dear C.A.

I too would like to extend my deepest sympathy to you for the loss of your dear Grandmother.

The time is still very fresh and everything, as you’re experiencing is really raw and tender, and it just plain hurts. I’ve been through these kinds of things 3 times and though we all have to do it at some stage, it’s the most harshest of times in our lives. Then it all depends on the individual for how long this pain and intensity of it all stays with us.

Some are able to recover and move on fairly quickly while others, like myself find it so damned hard to let go – to move on – I’m more shuffling sideways and for me it’s been a long long time.

Your comment about the funeral and after that, everybody disappears. Absolutely spot-on with that observation. I remember back to my brother’s loss in 1991; and the lead up to the funeral – we were on a farm and it was a constant line of cars driving down the road to our home and always cars a plenty in the paddock next to our house. Bringing food, or just simply being there.

Then the funeral happened and bang – the road was empty and no more cars, no more people. People go back to their lives, yet we’re still left with the pain and the hurt.

That sounds very good that you’ve got your Dad coming by this weekend. Spend some wonderful quality time with him, chat away, cry as much as you want. Your grief is your own and as Pipsy said, no-one can tell you about your own grief and when you should be moving on. You take as much time as you want.

I also would like to back-up Pipsy by saying that if you feel you’d like to, please write here again – if you feel that is something you want to do (and if not, that’s ok), but just know there’ll be folk here, who’ll listen, and who understand.

Kind regards and take care,

Neil

[Elizabeth CP]

I would like to agree with the other responses. I recently went to a discussion on grief & loss. The main point made by the person running it was that there is no 'normal' way to grieve. Everyone is an individual & grieves in their own way & time frame. As you found prior to the funeral you are often focused on preparing for the funeral so you can be very busy leaving little time for the grief to register. Often people don't know what to say leaving you feeling like they don't care even though they do but can't tell you. If there are people you can trust share your feelings. After my dad died I found being able to talk to my brother about experiences we shared with dad throughout our lives really helped. It helped me being able to keep the memories alive. Your grandmother sounds like a lovely person & you were blessed with a wonderful relationship. You will continue to miss her & things will come up which will remind you of your loss but nobody can take away the memories you have of her and the things she taught you. Allow yourself time to grieve & allow yourself time to remember the things you shared Look after yourself

[Ahjlees]

Dear Crabapple,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your beautiful Grandma, my heart is aching for you. My thoughts are with you and your family during this immensely difficult time.

I agree with everyone else, grief has no time stamp. You need to grieve on your own terms and no one else has the right to tell you how to feel.

I too am grieving and know the heart ache of losing a Grandparent. Something that I find brings me some comfort, is telling stories about them, talking about them.

We are here if you want to talk, ready to listen. I for one, would love to hear about your beautiful Grandma. She sounds wonderful.

Take good care of your self CrabApple; sending so much love to you at this time;

Ahj