Depression/Grief- feel like no one around me understands what its really like
This was a bit of a big step for me to reach out to strangers discuss where i am at in life but felt it is long overdue.
I am in my mid/late twenties, I wasn't really sure if i should post this in the depression forum or here under grief but it kind of covers both.
Basically I decided to jump on here as a way to try and connect with others who may or have been in a similar situation as myself. I have a very small group of friends who are great but there is always that part of me that says " they really don't understand what its like"
I have battled Depression and severe anxiety on and off since i was about 13, most of it is probably as a result of circumstances. My father passed away recently after a 10 year long battle with multiple illness and his passing i guess has been the catalysis to me reaching out. I've not been doing so great lately, i have just come back from a holiday and thought that i would come back feeling rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to put all the negative behind me and try to move on from everything that has affected me all these years but the complete opposite has happened, i have fallen into a really deep hole, questioning where i am in life and feeling like i have failed at life, feeling guilty about my fathers death and wishing i could have given him more to be proud of. I'm feeling stuck, most days i am just teary throughout and can't seem to shake it, part of me wants to continue being the strong one but part of me wants to just let it all out and just cry until there is nothing left but i still find myself bottling it all up. I am seeking professional help and that is helping me a bit but as i said early i feel that maybe if i reached out more to others who understand, it might be a bit helpful for me.
I'm not really sure what else to say but i hope that i can get involved in these forums and reach out more.
Maybe your having fun on holiday and being (hopefully) "rejuvenated" made you think "How can I have a good time when my father died after such a long battle ?". It could be the guilt of living against the memory of his tragic loss. A holiday would accentuate these differences.
Bottle it all up if you have to but take those bottles to a counsellor if you're able to make that jump and open up to a professional. Beyondblue has a myriad of responders all with similar experiences. Sometimes a certain phrase or understanding from just one responder can vibrate with you and make a difference.
I turned 50 this year and my dad's card said something like "Keep making us proud". I've had a lot of disconnect with him over the years but he still felt some ability to value me. Took me a while to accept the thoughts but I'm sure when I'm old and (more) grey I'll be looking out for my kids in the same way.
Thanks for sharing your story. Negativity is good at finding you.
I recently lost my Dad aswell (well almost 2 yrs, but it still feels like yesterday). It absolutely ruined me and I still cry around 4 times a week. The pain of wanting him back it unbearable at times.
I read a fab book called "Death of a parent- a transition into a new adult identity". I highly recommend it. It has many stories of different people loosing their parents and explains how we change as adults after the loss of such a loved one. It made me feel like my intense grief was ok and I wasn't going nuts. Theres hardly any literature out there for loosing a parent as an adult, and this was something that spoke alot of meaning to me. Give it a try, it might help you on your way.
State Of Grace
Grief. One thing I know, having lost my wife just over two years ago, is that when you have a big high, such as a holiday, a great day/night etc with family and or friends, you for a while forget or put aside the sorrow and feel normal, so to speak. Then when that stimulus is over, reality hits, and you fall in that hole again. This is completely normal. Even after two years, it hits me. What you need to try and do is I suppose find the strength each time to hold up to the battering, let yourself cry, feel the sorrow, but then try and pick yourself up out of that hole and carry on again for one more day. The thing you can try and use for strength is hope. There is always hope, that maybe one day you can find happiness. Then maybe you can deal with the loss better. I think coming here, is a good start, like me, you realize that you need the support of others and even reading some of the comments posted here, can help.