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Dealing with GRIEF and LOSS

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Everyone,

I would like to open up a discussion about grief and loss, how it affects you, how you cope with it, and what you have found helpful.

You may have a poem you find comforting you might like to share with us all, a book that has been especially beneficial, advice from people, wisdom you have learnt through your own experience perhaps.

Maybe you need a place to share your grief and loss experience.

My sense of grief has been heightened recently with the anniversary of a child's death and the upcoming 1st anniversary of a family member's death.

I have found sharing on this forum has helped me immensely, as people here understand have compassion and empathy.

Long walks, writing down how I am feeling, connecting with people, gardening, reading books when the thoughts are too sad to take and other times accepting the memories has helped.

Please feel free to use this space to share your thoughts if you are comfortable to do so.

Sending you all kind thoughts as you deal with thoughts about your grief and loss.

Regards form Dools

18 Replies 18

Hi all

Hi moonstruck

I feel the same, that others have better coping abilities

They transcend grief and loss better...

I will never forget shading a huge loss in my life wirh my former gp who said "well, it's not like anyone died...at least no one died...it's not that bad."

I had lost meaning, purpose and hope and she thought it was nothing

I think we are told to toughen up, but that is not the real issue

It's just that some wounds leave scars, and they don't heal easily, wether Ur tough or not

I would love to know what helps ppl move on from grief

It feels like a bottomless pit

Thank you Guest 1643, for replying to me. It's important to me because I don't want to waste however many years I have left. I am asking if anyone on Forum dealing with grief of a partner, husband or wife....has found a way to breach the subject with their friends. Good friends whom they trust and know well for a long time....because I haven't!

I haven't a clue what to say or open the conversation, I need them to. No one mentions his name, or asks if I am OK now, or have I recovered, or tell me I look as if I am coping well, or enquire why I don't seem to go out as much as usual...laugh like I used to...

I might be feeling overwhelming loneliness and lack of hope for my future older years...

.Well, if you are a friend to someone who maybe swallowed up in grief....why don't you just ask them?

On Are U OK? day this year , if someone asks me, I hope they are prepared to hear my answer, and that they plenty of time put aside to listen!!!

Hey Moonstruck,

Thank you for reaching out on the forums today. We’re really sorry to hear you’re going through it right now and having difficulty talking to friends in your life offline. That’s really, really hard, and we can imagine it would feel really distressing being encouraged to reach out, but not feeling like the people around you are really listening or asking you about how things are.

We’re listening. We're reaching out to you privately, but you can also reach the Beyond Blue counsellors directly on 1300 22 4636. We’d also really recommend reaching out to Griefline on 1300 845 745 (available 6am-12am AEDT). They also have a “Care-to-call” service for anyone feeling alone with grief, through which you can r...

Thank you again for your important contribution to this space, we really appreciate your dedication and your kindness in sharing here.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

Astrid-nought
Community Member

Hello. I just found this forum cos I can’t sleep. It’s nearly my mum’s birthday and then the day she died shortly after. It has almost been six years and I am still a mess. I think the associated childhood trauma I experienced because she didn’t protect me is a whole other hurdle to get over now. I loved her dearly. I want this pain to go away. I don’t look forward to the next two months. I am doing therapy, trauma counselling and trying to unravel the mess of my brain that was created by my childhood. I only felt able to properly confront it once she was gone and not around to guilt trip me into keeping quiet anymore. The guilt she had for not protecting us was overwhelming for her and she would turn it back on us so we were never able to talk about it. Or she would get upset and I would have to console her. Believe me this was rare I knew from a young age to take what I got and taught that I deserved it even though I was a terrified, anxious child. She saw me have a panic attack one day and said she had raised me ‘too soft’. I thought I was literally dying and deep down she knows we were raised too tough and abusively. Violently, poor, cold, ridiculed. She was in so much denial. Ok I’ll be quiet. Sorry I need to post this to get my thoughts out. Appreciate it. The journal does no good right now because I feel so alone. Sorry for rambling. Did anyone else find grief from complicated toxic relationships feels worse hard to overcome because I wrestle with being angry with her and still adoring her despite her faults. ? I know it’s all hard to overcome I’m not saying it is harder for me than others. It just feels like I am unravelling a nightmare in therapy. 

Dear Astrid-nought,

Thank you for allowing us to join your world. We are quite a supportive community, and your courage and strength in reaching out to us for support is wonderful.

We understand that whilst your mum was alive, she was quite strict, controlling, and abusive. After she died, you went into therapy, and it has felt as though you have been unravelling a nightmare.

We are glad to see that you are under the care of a mental health support team. We will do our best to support you as you work through the difficult and complex unravelling process.

Whenever you feel stuck between your therapy sessions, please feel free to call our support staff on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 1114. Both services are 24 hours per day, every day of the year.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

Dear Astrid-nought, WELCOME to the forums. This is a WARM welcome and you never have to keep quiet here! 

 

Thankyou for joining, this is the RIGHT PLACE for you. As you open up and talk about whatever is effecting you, you will find a new family here full of love and support. 

 

You are not alone any more. You have US. 

 

You wrote "Did anyone else find grief from complicated toxic relationships feels worse hard to overcome because I wrestle with being angry with her and still adoring her despite her faults?"

Yes. 
150%. 

We can talk more about this over time. 

 

Journaling can only take you THIS far. 
Now you've found a place where others really understand because they've gone through such similar events and had or still have such conflicting emotions over our primary carers' hurtful words, actions and INactions.

 

Hopefully over time in therapy, you will learn how to put these memories into a "filling cabinet" in your mind. 
Over time these memories WILL lose their emotional intensity. 
Your intrusive thoughts WILL diminish and only be on your mind WHEN you call upon them. 

 

Your healing journey has begun. Yes it's complicated but sweet girl YOU HAVE SO GOT THIS! 

 

We're here for you. HUGS and extra hugs whenever you need them. 

 

I would love it if you could begin your own thread where you can write about ANY THING going on for you past, present or dreams for your future. 

 

Love EM

I find it sad in my family it's hard for me to concentrate on my grief & loss of recent loved ones, due to issues purely of power & control, narcissism & bullying which I believe results from their insecurity, low self worth, low self esteem.  I mainly feel sad for my family (Mother & adult siblings with these issues) & keep my boundaries & find things I'm thankful for.  Can others please share if you've had these issues & what you found helped you..thank you in advance..

Oops I think I should've started my own  new discussion maybe?  New to the forum..

Anyway found my solution last night which was the answer to my issue= scapegoat.

While very difficult realising this is the issue...it's SO helpful to understand the problem more & solutions I'd used before what's recommended...so I'll continue my self care.  Would love other's who have this issue to comment, tell me what worked for them etc..Thank you  x vitality.

I would love the page no's at the bottom of the forum pages to be also at the top of the page...is this possible please?  Can someone more tech savvy than me help to try & have this happen please??  Thanks..