Broken

[Mrs_H]

I'm new to this forum and I don't even know what I want from this, but I'm just lost.

October last year I lost my mum, very suddenly. A healthy woman who has never had more than a cold, contracted bacterial meningitis and in a matter of days, she could not fight it anymore and it took her. She was 61, and loving life.

I guess there are a few factors that make this harder for me, she lived in the UK, along with all my family, as that's where I am originally from. I didn't get there in time to see her. I had to wait for my then 4 month old baby's passport. I landed in the UK and went straight into organizing her funeral. She never met my son, it was her first grandchild. We had flights booked to go to the UK that January as we wanted to wait until he was 6 months. She missed my entire journey from being pregnant, labour and meeting him and seeing me as a Mother. 

On the outside I seem like I am dealing with it, I have a son that needs taking care of. But I'm broken inside and don't know what to do. I am normally a strong independent person and I've become this fragile nervous mess. This is not how I want to be. 

I organised to see a counselor, but I've been once and then they didn't have availability for another month so I'm still waiting to go again which I feel like it's had a really negative effect. I'm not religious, and have no beliefs as to what happens when you die so I'm really struggling to find peace anywhere. 

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Mrs H. I am sorry to hear how you are feeling and I am really sorry to hear you have lost your mum, my mother and father have passed and I know it's hard to come to terms with, if at all.

It takes time to move through the grief, I hope you can have the space and time to let sadness come and go, don't bottle it, you are allowed to be sad. I guess the trick is to practice control of our minds in between the moments of grief. Sadly we cannot change what has happened, all we can do is get back to living our lives in the moment, trying to bring our focus to the things that bring us peace and happiness. 

I imagine that my mum is looking down on me, she would want me to be happy, she would not want me to be sad because of her. I feel that I can honour my mum by being the best person I can be, takes practice, and I believe that my mum will always have a place in my heart, she lives on in me. It has taken me a while but now I can think of my mum with love, not loss, I practice loving her, not missing her. I remember to be thankful for what we had, that she was my mum, that she was in my life. Try and stay focused on the present.

Perhaps you could have a shrine to your mum somewhere, spend an allotted time there each day or week then practice putting negative thoughts out of your mind, tell your self you will consider the sad thoughts when you revisit the shrine but you won't let it define who you are the rest of the time. I hope you can get back to your counsellor...much love to you.

Jack

[blondguy]

Good Morning Mrs H and Welcome to the BB Forums

My name is Paul and I thought I'd send you my thoughts......

My very sincere condolences to you on the passing of your mum. I haven't been there before and I cant feel what you are going through especially with your newborn son and you being a new mum...

When your mum passed away she was 61.......I was 55. And to be taken so suddenly and so very young. I can only say I am so sorry..

With the protracted wait for your counsellor in mind, do you have a GP (yes I am serious) that you are comfortable with? She/He may be a good temporary avenue for you.

I am not religious either but spiritual yes....Your mum was in the UK and you could only do so much. If I may say I think your mother would have been very proud of you at the time (and now of course)

With all respect to you MrsH...No one wants to be a broken fragile mess as you are now. If you were the strong independent person you normally are after losing your mother I would be very concerned.

No more words from me...I am so very sorry...Your broken fragile mess means that you Love your mother so very much....

Please be 'Gentle to Yourself'.....you are grieving....

We are here for you Mrs H...for anything if you wish to reply of course..

Paul

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mrs H,

I’d also like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to pass on my sincere condolences to you with regard to you beautiful Mum.

I’ve lost both my Dad (2007) and my Mum (just 17 months ago) and it still hurts and I still miss them both so much.

But for yours to be taken in the fashion she was … just so incredibly quickly and unexpected.  I can imagine you’d have so many thoughts and questions churning through you about it all.  Plus the entire grief process that you’re experiencing.  That is a shame that your counsellor isn’t available at this time.

Just as BlondGuy has suggested – it might be worth another visit back to your GP, just for a catch-up and a check-up also.

It’s really been no time at all since this has all happened and so the grief is still very raw and the whole situation is unknown as to how to be.  There is no right way nor no wrong way to grieve, it just happens and we all deal with it very differently.

I won’t write much more, but if you feel like you’d could unload some more, or just to chat a little bit more, then please do come back and write again.  We’ll be here for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[pipsy]

Dear Mrs _H.  As everyone else has said, my sincerest condolences to you at this time.  Your mum was very young.  You said she contracted bacterial meningitis, was she at home or in hospital.  When someone dies, it sometimes makes it easier if we know the how's and knowing she didn't suffer too much would give you some small comfort.  I'm an ex-pat Kiwi, been here since 1988.  My mum died 21 years ago, suddenly like yours.  Like you, I never got to say 'goodbye' either.  I saw her before the funeral, she was cremated.  If you have a supportive husband/partner, that's half the battle.  Being able to 'lean' on someone, to be able to cry whenever you 'see' your mum's smiling happy face.  I believe myself (whether this will help is your call), when someone passes, their spirit lives on in g'children.  There will be times when you look at your sons face and you'll see your mum in his eyes, his smile.  I would consider writing your mum, telling her you love her, miss her.  Tell her you're sorry you didn't make it in time to say goodbye.  Share with her about your son, his name, his likeness to her in many ways.  Jack has said your mum would want you to be happy, he's right.  Light a candle for her birthday.  Do you have photo's of your mum, talk to them.  Let your grief out, grieving is important for healing.  Be angry too, if you feel angry.  The anger/guilt you're possibly experiencing, because you didn't get to see her before she went, is also part of the grieving process.  A friend of mine years ago lost her husband suddenly.  When I spoke to her she was in 'anger' mode. 

As Neil, Jack & Paul said, BB is here anytime you want us.  Again- on their behalf, please accept our sincere condolences.