Grief and loss

Support and advice following the loss of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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Annmelbourne Health anxiety after loss due to cancer
  • replies: 4

I lost both my parents in short succession. My mom passed in 2021 from complications from chemo. Her death was unexpected as her lung tumour was small so she had a good prognosis. However, a previous infection resurfaced during chemo and she passed f... View more

I lost both my parents in short succession. My mom passed in 2021 from complications from chemo. Her death was unexpected as her lung tumour was small so she had a good prognosis. However, a previous infection resurfaced during chemo and she passed from sepsis 48 hours later. My dad passed 8 months later, also from lung cancer. He had been battling cancer for years so his death was expected but he still turned for the worse really quickly, which made his death a shock all the same. I wasn’t there for either of their passings. I live in Australia and both my parents were in Europe. My mom passed mid-pandemic and I had a flight booked to be there for my dad’s passing but due to his unexpected quick decline I missed it by mere days. I saw him die on FaceTime, it was traumatic. It’s now been 14 months since my dad’s passing and I’m still not over it. It’s been a rollercoaster full of shock, anger, nightmares, questioning the futility of life, guilt and many many tears. My newest chapter seems to be health anxiety though; I’m all of a sudden petrified of either myself or my husband dying/developing cancer. I actually went to my GP yesterday after being convinced I was dying for two days. Turns out I have acute bronchitis and not some obscure lung disease/cancer. I literally convinced myself my blood oxygen was dangerously low as I was short of breath, it was a perfect 99%. I thought I felt my fingers tingling and I was lightheaded, focussing on my breathing only made it worse, obviously. I nearly made it to the A&E but luckily didn’t make that much of a fool out of myself and only embarrassed myself in front of my GP - who very kindly enquired about my mental health as soon as we established that I would live. I’ve been like this for months though, my husband needs to be contactable at all times or I fear something has happened to him, I’m hypervigilant about bodily functions and I envision what my/his death will look like and cry in anticipation of the events when we are both healthy and only in our forties. It’s becoming a real problem. Has anyone else experienced this? And how did you get over it?

Eagle Ray Very difficult day
  • replies: 27

Really struggling. Feeling a deep loss in relation to my brother. Our brother-sister relationship has been damaged by his very disturbing partner. I never imagined something like this happening. It feels either our relationship will be destroyed, or ... View more

Really struggling. Feeling a deep loss in relation to my brother. Our brother-sister relationship has been damaged by his very disturbing partner. I never imagined something like this happening. It feels either our relationship will be destroyed, or he will finally see his partner for the disturbed person she is. But I know if the latter happens it will come close to breaking him and I seriously worry for his mental health which I know is extremely fragile having been his support through earlier breakdowns in his life. I feel like whatever happens there is tremendous pain. I have just had too much of it. My dear uncle is seriously ill in hospital. He was gradually improving but it’s still a vulnerable situation. He and his family have been so kind to me since the losses in my life of the last few years. I just feel so sad and don’t know if he’ll make it through. And that and the feeling of the growing distance with my brother who’s my last immediate family member brings up the deep grief of other losses. Dad had a serious degenerative illness. He at least died peacefully but then there were stressful circumstances after his death. Then Mum died in a very distressed state. I absorbed all the stress as her caregiver. She had suffered greatly from trauma-related anxiety and depression all her life. I tried calling the BB helpline today. I couldn’t answer the quantitative questions they ask you at the beginning. It just pushed my stress through the roof. I then rang Lifeline and the woman there was able just to be present with me and didn’t ask me questions about rating scales of distress which I find impossible to answer. It helped a lot at the time, just the human connection, but I still feel sick with loss and distress and just pushing myself through the motions of existing. I got a card to send to my uncle as he is too ill to be visited. I feel like everything that has held my world together is falling apart. I just feel unbearable grief. I’m staying near my friend at the moment who is lovely but I don’t want to burden her with how bad I feel as she has a new baby and I don’t want to bring that distressed energy into their lives. I’m so used to protecting everyone else from pain. I don’t know what to do when I’m in this much pain. I’m going to drive down to the ocean I think to try to feel better.

Karen0901 Grief of nearly dying
  • replies: 1

I nearly died a few days ago. I had a new baby and got sepsis after C-section delivery. I only lived because it was picked up early due to being in the hospital already. I have not yet had a visitor to the hospital that wasn't here to see my baby. I ... View more

I nearly died a few days ago. I had a new baby and got sepsis after C-section delivery. I only lived because it was picked up early due to being in the hospital already. I have not yet had a visitor to the hospital that wasn't here to see my baby. I begged for pain relief when I was in clear agony despite being in hospital. I didn't receive it until several hours later when the test came. I really thought I was dying. The lack of compassion was horrible when in that state. I am completely disalousioned about humanity. People don't care what you are going through. Only what they want etc. I love my husband and can't imagine life without him but as I sit here reflecting on death, I realized that I no longer trust love. Has anyone felt the same after a similar death experience? I'm not sure how to bond with my child now as I just see another person who will turn their back in me and others in time.

SizzleW Miscarriage
  • replies: 3

3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage. I was only 3 weeks pregnant. Is it silly for me to grieve? I've never experienced this type of loss before. The situation on how I fell pregnant isn't great and the dad of the baby didn't respond well and as a result ... View more

3 weeks ago I had a miscarriage. I was only 3 weeks pregnant. Is it silly for me to grieve? I've never experienced this type of loss before. The situation on how I fell pregnant isn't great and the dad of the baby didn't respond well and as a result we haven't talked properly about it. He doesn't know that I miscarriaged (we are not togther). I initially said I didn't want the baby (in which I feel terrible in saying that) I already have children (not to that person) but have no idea if I have hurt his feelings. He has a child already and is raising them on his own. I don't know what to do. 2 people close to me know that I have miscarriaged. But I don't feel like I should grieve about it. I feel silly that I'm sad and upset over something I didn't want.

WiltedRose Completely broken
  • replies: 2

Hi all,I have just had my first child, he’s amazing and I’ve never loved anything more! We just received a completely unexpected diagnosis of an extremely rare genetic condition that is terminal and life expectancy is less than 10 years. I’m not copi... View more

Hi all,I have just had my first child, he’s amazing and I’ve never loved anything more! We just received a completely unexpected diagnosis of an extremely rare genetic condition that is terminal and life expectancy is less than 10 years. I’m not coping. I got a mental health care plan from my GP and am seeing a psychologist which isn’t helping yet. I don’t have a big support network, it’s just my mum and my husband. It’s taking its toll on my relationship. I’m having massive breakdowns every few days. I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this

Elise_H Loss of my mother
  • replies: 3

I am 50 years old and recently lost my mother to cancer. I am struggling everyday without and I just dont know how I can possibly live without my mum. I have lost my nan (cancer), my husband of 23 years left and remarried and my mum within a 3 year p... View more

I am 50 years old and recently lost my mother to cancer. I am struggling everyday without and I just dont know how I can possibly live without my mum. I have lost my nan (cancer), my husband of 23 years left and remarried and my mum within a 3 year period. I feel so lonely and even though I have three adult children they too are struggling with the losses and I dont want to put extra strain on them. If anyone knows anyone that has passed away due to cancer and was by their bedside they would know how horrible the last 48 hours is. Everytime I close my eyes I see my mums face, when and if I fall asleep I dream about her. I can not get those last visions out of my head. Of course when I feel like this I would usually turn to my mum and no I feel like although everyone says we are here for you I have never felt more alone.

Chocolate59 Feeling lost & alone.
  • replies: 4

New here, so I'll try and just give a brief outline of why I'm on here. I'm divorced from an alcoholic & but it took me 20 years to get the nerve to leave. Thankfully I became the Mum of a puppy a year or so before I left & thankfully he gave me the ... View more

New here, so I'll try and just give a brief outline of why I'm on here. I'm divorced from an alcoholic & but it took me 20 years to get the nerve to leave. Thankfully I became the Mum of a puppy a year or so before I left & thankfully he gave me the courage to throw what I could in my car & drive away whilst he was out getting drunk again. We'd had another of our many arguments & I knew it wasn't going to be good when he eventually cane home. I rang a friend & drove to her house, parking out of sight. Her husband gave us some space to talk & she made a bed up for me - no dogs allowed inside. The thing was my little dog was used to being inside & couldn't work out why I had left him in the car. After all was quite I snuck out with a blanket & cuddled up to him for the night. My friend knew, but thankfully understood & didn't mention it. I had no idea where to go as my ex would never give up our home for me & I just wanted a safe place to have some piece. He hadn't shown any anger issues up until we'd been married for about 6 - 8mths. His first big outburst left me shaken on the bathroom floor with him still screaming at me & kicking me. I had stupidly thought 7pm dinner meant 7pm. Hours past 7 he came home drunk for his Hot Dinner & I said it's keeping warm on the stove & why was he late for it ? That was the beginning of my learning to live with a heavy drinker. I'm going to leave it here as I've over written on the beginning - I was 20yrs old & very naive - he was 28. I'll add more when I hopefully can get more confident in here.- Dogs Are No One. If you've read this far, thank you.

inmydreams17 ex best friend and first relationship experience
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I am grieving with a lost of a good friend and a partner. We had been good friends for two years (platonic on my end for most parts) then things happened and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Though that relationship only lasted for less than... View more

Hi all, I am grieving with a lost of a good friend and a partner. We had been good friends for two years (platonic on my end for most parts) then things happened and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Though that relationship only lasted for less than two months. I broke it off as I felt used and I was. It was extremely hard as it was over the phone, “he could not make the time to meet me”. I was weak and contacted him back just two weeks after that initial breakup. It was December last year and I only went completely no contact in late March. I had never cried so much in my life during that period. It was emotionally, mentally and physically draining for months on end. I only had only truly saw the true scope of what he did to me and his intentions after working on myself the past few months. However I have my days where I miss him. I wish him well but I will not forgive what he did to me. I had went on dating app to help distract me. My last date - I hooked up with them. That was when I realised this was not healthy for me. As I know for myself that I get attached to easily to an idea of someone. I deleted my dating app account after that because I want to do better for myself. Last night I had drove away and cried because to this day I still wonder what did I do wrong? Was I not enough. How could someone who I held dearly close to my heart be gone from my life just like that? I can’t fathom the idea of people just coming and going. It hurts me.

JB01 First Breakup and Heartbreak
  • replies: 2

My girlfriend of over 2 years ended our relationship almost 2 months ago and I'm still crying everyday about it. Distractions only work short term and every morning, night or moment I'm alone, I cant help but sob. We travelled the world together and ... View more

My girlfriend of over 2 years ended our relationship almost 2 months ago and I'm still crying everyday about it. Distractions only work short term and every morning, night or moment I'm alone, I cant help but sob. We travelled the world together and spoke about a family. I'm feeling guilty over the mistakes I made and I feel like I did not give her the love she deserved. All I think about it how I would have done everything different. I didn't realise how much I loved her. Now so much reminds me of her and everyday my heart aches and yearns for her. I could see she was pulling away 4 months before she broke it off but she couldn't explain to me how I could make it better. I kept getting frustrated when I would make changes and then it wouldn't change how she felt and this probably pushed her away further. We had poor communication. She explained things I did that made her upset and I apologised for it. I did try to be better - I did make changes. But it wasn't enough. In trying to save the relationship, I became more like her and took on her interests and traits. This has all lead to be feeling like I've lost so much of myself. Everyday I remember something I said or did which may have contributed to the way she ultimately felt about me and I feel sick. I could go on forever about the rabbit holes of thoughts I've had. I wish I took her out more, I wish I bought her gifts more, I wish I was more patient with her, I wish I did things different. Then maybe we would still be together. I also wish she told me what I was doing wrong so I could have worked on it. I still miss her so much. I still love her so much. But she has made it clear that she is no longer interested in continuing the relationship. I sent her a letter a week after the breakup going over all my thoughts and apologising for everything I felt I did wrong. She sent a text saying she' doesn't hold anything against me' and that she 'didn't breakup with me because I'm a terrible person'. This helps to hear but I still cant shake the feelings of guilt and regret over mistakes. I talk to my parents about the way I feel and they have been helpful but are getting impatient as I'm still a mess over the whole thing and I don't want to drag them down with me. I just want to get better and move on but letting go her and the regret, guilt, sadness and memories is proving too hard. Im so scared to see her move on with someone else. I'm scared Ill never find anyone like her. I'm tired everyday from thinking.

Kat1234 Pet cat dying
  • replies: 9

Hi. I'm at home sitting next to my beloved 17 year old cat who's quietly dying. She's been to the vet and everything that can be done for her has been done. I'm recently retired, don't have many friends and my only family member is my daughter, whom ... View more

Hi. I'm at home sitting next to my beloved 17 year old cat who's quietly dying. She's been to the vet and everything that can be done for her has been done. I'm recently retired, don't have many friends and my only family member is my daughter, whom I've luckily been seeing more often recently. Since I'm fairly isolated (for many reasons...mostly to do with depression and anxiety I've been battling for a long time), my cat's illness and her imminent death are particularly heartbreaking for me. My daughter also loves the cat (it was her favourite pet growing up) and I want to let her know how much pain I'm feeling today...but I also don't want to ruin some good news she and her partner received yesterday. She told me she's happy for me to reach out to her whenever I need to (and I have asked for her help with vet visits etc.), but I don't feel right doing so now...since she'll be in pain too when she should be enjoying good news. I know there are no answers: the cat is very old, I'm making sure she's comfortable and knows she's loved and death may be a kindness for her. I just wanted to share with someone my sadness at losing a friend. Kat.