wishing I could fly away...

[lexibelle]

Sometimes I find myself really wishing that I could fly out of my own mind and be in the mind of someone who hasn't experienced the things I have, someone who doesn't have depression, someone who is free from what feels like constant voices/thoughts telling me I'm not worthy because that mind is a place I would love to be...

I can usually keep the voices/thoughts at a low to dull murmur and sometimes forget they are even there, usually when I am around my partner, best friend or family...but at the moment I find myself wanting to hide away from everyone in my life because I feel like I have bothered them enough with my depression...I know they will support me and be kind to me, but I just want to push them away because I am sick of hurting them because of the way I feel about myself...this is the start of what I know will be a dark time for me, all the signs are there, I know them well...yet I still can't find a way to stop them from taking over and making my world grey again...

I'm hoping that by posting my thoughts here, maybe someone will have some advice on how to stop the darkness from winning again so I don't have to keep hurting the people in my life by shutting them out...because I want to protect them, from me.

[White_Rose]

My Dear Lexibelle

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for posting here and telling us your story. I am so sorry that you are having bad time at the moment.  I hope we can help and support you. There are so many people here who will relate to your feelings and fears and will respond with their suggestions and experiences.

I know what it's like to feel completely unworthy, to want to hide from everyone, to stop bothering them with my concerns because I feel that, to everyone else, my worries are trivial. After living like this for a long time I am begining to believe this is not true. Not every day mind you.  Some days I go back to the old thoughts and ways of managing, except that it's not managing.

Do you have any professional help with your depression? A psychologist or psychiatrist? Is your GP involved in your care? If the answer is no, then I urge you to go to your doctor and get help. A mental health plan and free psychological services. It is not good to go through such dark times alone. Your partner and family can help but when you are so far down you need a great deal more.  Someone who can give you practical help. Do you take ADs? They are not for everyone I know but maybe this is a good time?

OK, now I have done the practical stuff, and I am very sincere in the advice I have suggested, lets talk about the rest.

You wish you were in someone else's mind. What makes you think it would be better, other than the conviction that you are not good enough? You can have a metaphorical 'safe' mind. The unfortunate part is that it takes time, energy and commitment to get there. You can also arrive more quickly with help.

It seems to me that everyone has demons of sort or another. Sometimes people are quite unaware of just how unpleasant they really are which in my opinion is worse than depression. Just imagine realising one day how truly awful you have been and how everyone despises you. Stay with what you know. You have coped so far, so you can continue to cope. I know it's a horrible journey but every step forward makes you stronger and able to take the next step. I am begining to find out that for myself. And believe me, I am kicking and screaming all the way. I don't want to make the effort, it's too hard, I'll never succeed, it's not fair, why can't someone do it for me etc. etc. etc.

But then you get to patches of sunlight and you can rest for a while. It is just too wonderful for words. Word limit approaches. Post back soon. All my remarks are sent in love.

LING

[white knight]

Hi Lexibelle,  good comments from Ling there. Great insight

I read an article about depression recently. Gee no wonder we want to go "back into the bush where we came from". All the issues we have to cope with. In this article the narrator said "if anyone in this modern world doesnt have any issues nor feel saddened by the worlds troubles then they are the ones with mental illness and the depressed are the ones without one" 

I often feel like heading off to the bush to get away from all the modern world throws at me. But I've learned over the years that a balance is the answer. That's why people go on holidays to "unwind" and "get away from it all".

As for wanting to be someone else....I wouldnt want to walk a mile in others shoes. I've come so far in which to love myself. I've studied so many people and their inconsideration, their selfishness and their brutal bullying among other traits....I love being a loving soul that was wide open. My castle never used to have wall that protected me and now through wisdom gained out of need from cognitive deficiency I finally have the 'balance' right to be able to live the remainder of my life with some strength.

I am an example of proof there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm proof that one can overcome the negative side to a mother with BPD, a brother and uncle that took their own lives, a family riddled with depression but in denial, a trauma when 12yo, and a first marriage that was cruel.

Please work away at your troubles Lexibelle.  Allow your darkness to come and go like a rolelr coaster of life. ACCEPT that this is how it is. Then gather your heart and chase that light at the end of the tunnel.

And I'll see you there.....

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lexibelle

Thank you for coming here and providing your post, and like LING, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

I note that LING has given you a really positive and helpful response – covering pretty much a lot of what I was going to suggest (or ask of you) to you.

So yes, the thoughts that you are bothering or letting down those closest to you is certainly something that affects so many of us – hence why it is so important to have alternative avenues for support (ie:  professional counselling, GP’s, etc)

Just with regard to wishing that you could fly out of your own mind and into someone else’s – I bet there’s been a great many of us (also) who have thought that or something similar.  But you know what, at the end of it, you wouldn’t be YOU anymore.  Stick with me here for a little while, while I try to explain.

Lexibelle, you are Lexibelle – loved and adored by your partner, your family, your best friend and so many other people who know you.  And they are like this because they know you, they like you, NO, they LOVE you for who you are.  For the person you are.  And while you are fighting really hard with this mongrel illness, you are still you and that’s the person they all know you as.   If you were to depart and leave – and who knows, perhaps be replaced with someone else, then the Lexibelle that everyone knows and loves would not exist and would be replaced by another.   I know this is all hypothetical cause at this current point in time, I don’t technology is up to that kind of mischief yet.  But hopefully, you got my drift for what I was trying to explain.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Lexibelle

I hope you are still reading the posts here on Beyond Blue. We all would like to help you with any of the difficulties you are having. So please come back and talk to us.

Write in soon.

LING

[lexibelle]

Dear LING. Neil and White Knight,

Thank you all for your lovely posts. In response to your questions, yes I do see a psychologist and take ADs...sometimes I think it would be better to be in someone else's as I have previously been in an abusive relationship and I am finding that some of my insecurities from the past are effecting my current relationship. I figure that if I could be in someone else's mind then I wouldn't have these insecurities and be hurting a person I really care about because I can't seem to move on from my past...he puts up with so much from me, that I feel like I'm not worthy of his love for me...I have been feeling better since getting back to work on Monday, I find weekends can be difficult as there is time to think, whereas during the week I am busy with work and occupied...I don't know if that makes much sense...

Again, thank you for your support, I truly value your insights and enjoy having some other people to talk to...

Lexibelle

[White_Rose]

Dear Lexibelle

Thank you for your reply.

Yes it is hard to live "normally" after being in an abusive relationship. I expect you find yourself second guessing everything anyone says or does and in all this, trying to find yourself. It is truly a hard road to follow.

You know that you cannot be in someone else's mind, however nice it may appear so the only viable alternative is to "spring clean" your own mind and make it comfortable. I hope your psych is able to help you with this. I lived with an abusive spouse for 30 years before I found the strength to leave.

During that time I believed I was always at fault and that anything that went wrong was because of me. In many ways I believe I lost my own identity. I functioned at work quite well but always worried that I was not good enough for other people, that my work did not match the standards of others.

One day I discovered that my boss was claiming my work my work as hers. Well, that brought me to my senses. If my work was good enough to be claimed by others then I was obviously not as stupid as I thought.  I won't say I changed overnight but it started me on the path.

I still struggle with my automatic response to give way to men, especially if they put me down. I am still learning, even after 14 years. Unfortunately I have never been in another relationship and I doubt that will happen. I find it hard to trust men in general, and the moment someone appears to treat me disrespectfully in any way, however small, I run for cover.

So I do get where you are at. The wonderful thing for you is that you have found another partner who loves you and you return his love. It's really great. Have you explained to him about your previous relationship? I expect you have and that is why he is so understanding.

It would be great if your psych could help you change any negative thoughts you have about your partner into a different channel. I am learning to look at my thoughts and assess the reality of them. Then I try to go down another thought path. And it is working. Slowly, but working. It's CBT. Does your psych use this?

If I can be quite blunt, but saying this in love, wishing you were somewhere else is a self-defeating process. You will never go there as you know and it hinders your progress to where you really want to be. I know it's hard. Been there, done that. Stick with who and what you are basically. A loving person who has a few hang-ups and who is working on them. You are already walking the path.

Take care

LING