Why I sought help. Denial is never a good thing, it catches up to you.

Birdman · ‎26-08-2014

Hello, I wish to share my story as I think, hope and pray getting the feelings out of my mind to people who cannot judge me in person nor see my state, will help me.

I will start by saying I have sought help through my GP and thus a psychologist. It took a long time, people telling me I needed to see a doctor for me to seek help. I never wanted not to be ok. I told myself I was ok. I was not.

My mother had brain cancer almost six years ago. I feel I never grieved as I had to be strong for my father. Recently he passed away too. The first few weeks whilst things were busy arranging things I felt I was fine, I was however running on autopilot. Once all the phone calls, visits came to a stop I had a hole that was left unfilled. I was in the family home, with the memories and reminders and my support system, a neighbor who has known me all my life went away.

I felt I had no-one as I had isolated myself from friends when mum died to concentrate on dad. I still have a couple of good friends and I think their presence saved me from thinking or keeping thinking no-one cared.

I broke down due to pressures dealing with dad's estate that I am not going to go into. I could not stop crying in the solicitors office, and she told me I needed to go see my GP as it was clear I was not copping.

I sat in the car outside the GP's practice for 20 mins. Eventually I convinced myself I had no choice as the solicitor knew where to contact my family and knew which doctor I was heading to. I convinced myself that she would "dob" on me. That was the only way I could get myself to go in.

I did not make it to the desk before I broke down again. A grown man crying and not able to get any words out. It affecte me even now I am typing this. I was lucky, the recpetionist was the sister of a friend. She knew that dad had passed away recently and she got me in to see the doctor, who also treated dad. It took me a while to settle down.

I am getting help now, it is helping a little. I am going back to ask for anti depressants as I am still not coping enough to be a part of society. It is or was hard to tell my family. They were not shocked.

I am only at the start of what will be a long journey. I cannot get through a day without crying and at times it only takes a little thing to set me off/

The one thing I want to say is anyone reading this who has not sought help, please do. It is hard, I know it is hard. But it is just something you have to do!

Thanks everyone for letting me rant.

Neil_1 · ‎27-08-2014

Dear Birdman

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

As you have said, your Dad has only recently passed away - so it is still very raw for you and the grief and experiences that go along with that are and will continue to happen for some time. Each person is different when it comes to dealing with the death of a loved one - you've got two that you're dealing with.

It's hard as you say - you've found it to be that and that is also the way it is - unfortunately.

It is great that you've sought out professional assistance and awesome that you've come to here to tell your story.

You know with what I've read from your post, I think you'd become a very valuable member of this site - being able to provide insight and experience to others in their threads.

Also, thank you for ranting - that's one of the great things that people can do on this site - and we take on board everyone who comes here and try to provide the best support we can.

Kind regards

Neil

KirstC · ‎27-08-2014

Welcome (((((((((((((((Birdman))))))))))))-hugs

Jacko777 · ‎27-08-2014

Thanks for sharing your story Birdman. I am glad you have started on your journey, the more that you work on this, the better you will feel. I have grieved for years, decades, over lost ones. After much therapy and research I came to a point...I found that I could shift focus. You know on a camera when you shift focus, it is only a small change that takes you from a complete blur to a clear picture. It was the same in my head, I could refocus and look at life differently, instantly. (Takes practice) Tears are Knowledge. Every time you cry you come to know yourself a little better, don't be ashamed or embarrased, mate, i have cried rivers and I don't care what anyone thinks. In the end I thought this: how does being upset help me...would my lost loved ones want me to grieve so deeply and for so long. Of course they wouldn't. No regrets, live in the present moment, refuse to lose anymore precious moments. All the best mate.

Birdman · ‎27-08-2014

Thank you to Neil, Jacko and Kristc..

The one thing I have just realised in the last two days is the number of people who I know who are or have been/still are, in the same position as me.

I have a mate who has seen a psychologist, abit for a different reason, anxiety, but even knowing that makes me feel less worried.

Another mate I told last night about my situation has told me he takes anti depressants.

I have had a good day. I have only cried twice. That is a new record for me in the last three weeks. I have a doctors appointment and a psychologist appointment both on friday. I hope starting on anti depressants will help, and I have been told they can take 10-14 days to take full effect.

I told the doctor the first time that If she gave me them, I would probably not take them, I have changed my mind after three psychologist appointments. I am a little better, but I need help and knowing others I know have or do the same thing makes me feel better asking the quack for them.

I have also found out how worried people are/were. I have been invited to stay with a mate who is concerned. At this point I have my family visiting me , but I think I will take him up once friday is over. maybe the weekend.

Thank you Jacko for your comment. I will take that on board.I know mum and dad would not want me to be sad, but at this stage I cannot control that.

Hopefully in time I can get to that stage.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

AGrace · ‎29-08-2014

Hi Birdman,

Just wanted to say I found both of your posts very inspiring. Your parents would be proud of your courage in seeking some support.

It's a funny thing grief, isolation really prevents us from seeing that there are still plenty of people who care about us. They may not come over everyday with another dish of food, but they're always waiting in the wings, ready to help when we reach out to them.

It's great that you've been able to share your situation with friends, and who would have thought that they were carrying their own crosses.

Good luck with the antidepressants. You're right they take a little while to kick in. Sometimes making us feel worse before better. So be gentle and patient with yourself over the coming weeks.

AGrace

geoff · ‎29-08-2014

dear Birdman, it takes a lot of gusts to come to a site without knowing anyone and reveal how you feel as well as trying to cope with this terrible situation.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your parents, but recently your dad.

We can tell ourselves that 'I feel ok and will get better', but in the long run there becomes such a load that builds up and the weight becomes too heavy to carry, so the walk turns into a crawl, and this is when we need help, because we're not strong enough to bear this weight.

All of this will happen when we are in denial, and I was the same as you, and we can never get 10/10 for bravery, because in depression this word doesn't exist.

There is NO shame in a grown man crying, and believe me I have done it more times than I could ever count, whereas someone else shows their pain and grief other ways, never the less it only means that we can't cope with this by ourselves.

Thankfully your psychologist has convinced you take the AD's, and please if the side effects become awful, these may subside over time, but I'm sure that your doctor would put you on a low dose to start with, which means that they can be changed.

Can I also suggest when you stay at your friends place, it's your decision on how much you want to talk about, and if perhaps you don't want to talk about something then just say 'can I leave this still later on', this will just indicate to them that you're not happy talking about everything at the moment.

Please let us know how you get on today, and we would really love for you to participate in further posts. Geoff.

Birdman · ‎29-08-2014

Thanks AGrace and Geoff.

It seems this has turned into my personal blog and/or diary.

I went to see both the GP and the psychologist. I saw the psychologist first and told him about my decision and that I was seeing the doctor about two hours later.

He is neither for or anti anti depressants. He said he understood why I would be thinking that way and said he has no issue with my decision.

I had a good meeting and we are going onto to grief as my mothers anniversary is very soon.

The doctor listened and she explained about the drug. Zoloft 50mg and also said she would only give me 30 days and asked for me to come back shortly before running out to check up before giving me repeats. She also wanted blood test to establish base levels. I guess that is normal.

She also explained that I may end up feeling worse and that nausea may happen, but it should rectify itself once my system levels out. She also explain not to skip doses and that it can take 2-3 weeks to take full effect.

The blood test requires fasting and as I had eaten, I have decided to wait until Monday morning to do the blood test. I have the script, I have not filled it as I think she really was asking for the blood test to be done before I swallow the first dosage.

Without the drugs in the house, I think it will be easier not to grab one if I become too bad and distort the result.

I have to admit she scared me telling me that I should not miss a dose, stop taking it as it "could" give me suicidal feelings. That scares me, and it is making me think about whether I want to go this route.

So I am giving it the weekend to make a decision, as once I start, it seems I cannot change my mind.

I have another psychologist appointment in a fortnight, which is a long time, but the last few days I have been better, as not crying more than once a day, yes a new record so I should be fine.

And my sleep patterns have improved as well.

Again I am ranting, but it seems to help.

Thanks everyone.

Birdman · ‎09-09-2014

today is my mothers anniversary. Sad day, but I managed.

life goes on they say, just

geoff · ‎10-09-2014

dear Birdman, an anniversary of someone you love is never easy, and whether or not it becomes easier over time you are never sure of until the time comes.

I would think that she wants you to take this AD before your blood test, so that it would determine how the level has balanced out, because I would presume that you have had a blood test before with no AD in your system.

There is an Australian medicine line to contact about any medication that you maybe taking on 1300633424, so give them a ring and ask them about the side effects of this AD. Geoff.