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When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

randomx
Community Member

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

111 Replies 111

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear randomx,

Thank you for finding the inner strength to post this new thread. We encourage everyone to add your experiences on living with depression.

We know that it is important to have a few friends, and participate in some activities, to help us build the internal strength to work through the depression. It is equally important to spend enough time with oneself in order to work through those things which are weighing us down. The trick here is not to get even more weighed down whilst doing the self-reflection.

How do you maintain that balance to keep moving forward?

Also, how do you find the motivation to get up each morning when, as you say, you just want to remain in bed 24/7?

Please remember, you can always call the Beyond Blue support line at 1300 22 4636 at any time to speak confidentially with a mental health professional. Our call-in service is available 24/7, every day of the year.

Remember that we are here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello RX, a good title for a thread and this can be entirely correct, although if life continues on like this, then there could be a chance that a sadness develops and your optimism in life fades away, not believing anything positive can happen, then you may start getting depression, especially if you lose interest in what you used to love to do and by staying in bed can become an issue.

All of these combined can be a worry.

Thanks RX.

Geoff.

randomx
Community Member

Hi Sophie , and thanks very much for the thoughtful reply and thoughts .

Tbh , anything at all is just shear forcing myself l literally push myself to do anything at all , that's the only way l'd do anything. And l only do that bc l know l have to bc if l don't then this will only get worse and worse and it'll just spiral even more down hill fast. Apart from going driving or seeing my d, Maybe it is a bit of the illness itself to as even my gf says l'm often depressed even together. That had nothing to do with us but l must admit l probably was, my ex w use to say the same. Atm though it is def' more life and just where l'm at.

Having my business and working for myself 30yrs has mostly given me the self discipline to move when l have to whether l want to or not , or have no money. So really, it's having to have that discipline for so long with no boss to push me, that also helps me do anything else no matter how l'm feeling. Your so right , attitude, thoughts , doing things , a few people, yeah, it is all so important and so really , it's the only other way l get moving but it is all forced or it wouldn't happen. During better times mentally l actually do enjoy work or doing something or a hobby or life , even get exited about something, but like this there's nothing, just empty and force.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Hi Geoff , and thank you to as always.

But l'm afraid any optimism has already been well out the door for a long time now , as l was saying to Sophie , anything at all apart from driving or seeing my d, is just absolutely forced bc l know it'll all only get worse if l don't.

lt's all just strange. l remember us talking about working in my other thread and there has been many periods where getting out to do some work has been my real go to , l'd actually look forward to it it was my therapy, same with kayaking / canoeing but during these periods even those are just force, or they they wouldn't be done.

l'm afraid l have all those combined, and just emptiness. Maybe it is the actual illness. l have seen psychiatrists and talked to counselors over the yrs, very mixed assessments and tried meds yrs ago but as l was saying they were worse l hated them.

One huge huge thing coming through in things both yourself and Sophie have said , is a positiveness, l just don't know how to get that, how do we get it back ?

rx

randomx
Community Member

Given everything for you now Geoff, if you were still fit and able, would you be doing more things even with the depression side of things , would it help you to be doing things ?

Elizabeth CP
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Are you sure you aren't talking about me. While your circumstances are quite different to mine the impact is identical.

In my case I've had a number of years of things going wrong particularly related to my hsb's deteriorating health as well as some health issues of my own. I think covid stopped a lot of the things which used to enable me to have a break from being a carer but now everything seems like an effort. I feel totally burnt out. Meds have caused too many side effects with no benefit so are not an option for me. Obviously for others they really help so I'm not suggesting others avoid meds.

I wish I could find a way to regain energy and motivation so I don't feel I'm just forcing myself to do the essential things like caring for my hsb. I struggle even spending time with family because I assume noone will want to be around me because I'm so miserable. I feel sorry for my hsb having to put up with me.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi rx,

Well, we've been supporting each other here for quite a while. Our situations are the same, but different. I feel sad as I didn't realise how you were really feeling & that you were feeling so low. You sound burnt out. With your gf you've supported, waited, hoped, waited more & I know you've run out of whatever kept you going.

You know we're here to listen & support you.

Hope you find some sunshine amongst the clouds.

Cmf

randomx
Community Member

 

So sorry about your situation Elizabeth, l remember this last 2 yrs has been even more incredibly harder for you you must be drained.

My theory is that even to really force myself to do anything at all, even eat lately, the only reason l even bother eating atm is that l have a very fast metabolism and l'm just always hungry - or else l wouldn't. But hopefully if l do start jobs and things, hobbies, anything, in time doing things "might": bring back energy and enthusiasm, some kind of feel good.

like yourself yeah l've found the same with meds in the past and hated them to but have known a few people they're helping and some around BB also. And l've tried other things, alcohol, drugs, of course even worse than meds in the end.

l hope you can find a way and things improve.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Hiya cm and thanks for that yep, we've both been through the mill one way or other hey.

Yaknow , yeah for sure need a break from her stuff no doubt about it done enough but she has been incredible support for me to l must add.The biggest thing for me in it all is the outcome though, and us now being just nowhere.That's the real soul destroyer.

Thanks for the wishes and yep , must remember to look out for some sunshine eh.

rx