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When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

randomx
Community Member

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

111 Replies 111

randomx
Community Member

l'm starting to doubt things working out with gf and at this age that's not well not for me anyway , a nice situation after all this time.

l hate the thought of starting again and also that l now feel like l've just wasted 9 valuable yrs since divorcing it all just makes me feel sick to the stomach . How could l have done that , it's not like me and l was very well aware of age and this period and of the value in it and importance of not wasting it. But yet that's exactly what l've done. Jezuz. Wth ????

Tbh , l've had some of the best times of my life through that time there were times l'd wondered if my whole life and everything that had happened went that way so that we could then meet at this stage .But then that's obviously probably not too right then after all if it doesn't even work out anyway. l didn't want good times or new highs only to be short lived and then over , that's the total opposite of what l wanted and now l just feel even tireder of it all which l knew yrs ago l would , if l didn't do and go with what l needed and was looking for . Well l thought l'd bloody found it that's why l did in the first place/

Thing is to that it's probably as much my fault as anything why it's probably not gonna work out , past mistakes repeated , even after all this time, l don't bloody believe it. Mind you there were reasons for them , big ones , and l'm pretty sure it wouldn't have come about or l would've been repeating pasts had of those reasons had not been there, but they were and they were things to be very very wary of , l think l could've just handled them differently though and if l had of , then that future probably would still have been.

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi rx,

I understand. At our age the thought of starting again is too much. You made certain decisions for a reason & who knows maybe it's because something that is right for you is out there? You shouldn't be do hard on yourself for decisions you've made. The right things can't come into your life if you're holding onto the wrong things. You need to be open to receive the things that are meant for you.

Cmf

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi rx

I feel such sorrow for you as you face a situation that is so obviously tormenting and potentially depressing. Wondering if your partner has stated things are over or it's a matter of she's gone for an indefinite amount of time while trying to tie off loose ends. I think, sometimes there can even be such a thing as a hopeless amount of time. You know, when there appears to be no endpoint to how long something will take. Often, it can be a specific point in time (to reach or aim for) that leads to excitement, helping to maintain hope and faith regarding the outcome.

Do you think this could be the most challenging part of the relationship? Say, if you were still together in 10 years time, would you look back together and say 'Gee, we were put to the test then'? If so, what do you think the test is here?

Personally, I'm not a fan of being put to the test at times. Times like this can get me rehashing so much of what I've done 'wrong' in the past, so as to offer greater clarity for the way ahead. It's kind of like 'If you don't want to keep repeating past mistakes, you gotta identify those mistakes in order to make greater sense of them and not repeat them'. All of a sudden it's like you're tuning into or watching an episode of 'Worlds greatest bloopers' but where the bloopers are mind altering, life changing, potentially depressing or regretful ones. Someone turn the channel!!!

Definitely not saying this is the way to go but what comes to mind is 'What difference do you think it would make if you were to 'propose' a difference to her. Would she work faster to tie up loose ends? Would she return with a whole new level of excitement. Would the gem on her finger become a constant reminder of what she's working towards while she's away (closure with an old life so as to start a new life or a new stage of life with you)? As I say, not saying this is the way to go. It's just what comes to mind. Could involve a completely different kind of difference. I've found making a difference is one of the hardest things to do sometimes, calling for not repeating the same mistakes.

Sometimes I find 'This is so unlike me' is how I know I'm making a difference. How I've always done things can actually get in the way of developing a whole new aspect of myself. The thought itself, 'This is so unlike me', can sometimes be enough to get me a little excited in regard to the way ahead.

Do you know what difference you want to make?

randomx
Community Member

Hi rising and thanks for the thoughts.

l don't like some of the testing games people play on purpose but life or situations on the other hand , sometimes it just does doesn't it but nah l put the brakes on. lt's been a long complicated situation right through but the time apart and situation l can handle it's not so much that, as long as we are our future, then ok we do what we've gotta do. l haven't been sure though , there's been things with her we've just needed more real time, together not 1200k apart , for me to know. But that is kinda my fault to bc she wanted to stay and move in from early on , it was either that or she'd need to go back up home and see through her situation there, and stay until it's done. lt was a bit early though for me to go commuting to her moving in. lt's a long story in my other thread , saga haha.But there are reasons for things.

But ahh , the so unlike me nah l just mean l wouldn't have made these mistakes . Differences man , so many periods and differences through my life , it's depressing. Thanks for the thoughts.

randomx
Community Member

Hiya cm and thanks as always.

Rights, wrongs , it's been such a confusing road , l'm not even sure anymore. On the us front , it doesn't feel right that we don't work out, but things are so mixed , true feelings of such in those ways have been hard to decipher lately , also unlike me.

rx

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi rx

Can be so much easier to work things out in person, rather than trying to work them out with so much physical distance in between. I think it can be especially hard when we're a deeply feeling person. When someone's right in front of us we can feel their presence, the kind of energy they have and our connection to it. It's the kind of experience that you just can't get or feel over the phone or through a zoom call. I suppose you could say, in person, the experience feels more 3D, whereas over the phone it has a kind of 'flat' feel to it.

I wish things were so much easier for you, I really do.

randomx
Community Member

Hi again risijng/

Thought l posted another one here answering you more but l might've messed it up, or we get two later haha. But yeah a ring would make the world of difference , for us both actually for sure, l just need to know more right now first, for real, we've talked about it plenty though. And as for a date, end, hell yeah l know, l wish. We've sort of had a rough one but it's complicated with her situation, or if l wanted to move up there right now it could be the end date tomorrow, but l don't want to.

But yeah, l just need the in person you need to be together phs and messages are only a fraction of reality.

Thanks for the thoughts.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi rx,

Found you! Yeah a ring...def need some real time together especially after all that's come out lately. Sometimes the easiest thing is not the best thing.

How are you going these days?

randomx
Community Member

Hiya cm , found you found me thanks for trying . Not good l'm afraid some big things going one for my d right now.

But anyway l'll probably check out of the forums for awhile have a rest too much going on and this new setups doing my head in to , last thing l need. Good luck with all eh , talk later.

rx

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear rx, just as you're checking out, I'm checking back in from being MIA all year... timing is our forte hey? 

 

Best wishes with helping your d with her stuff. 

 

Now on to your stuff.... BUDDY I am so sad you're feeling all sorts of down. I spot read some of your posts and can really feel the heaviness in some of your words. Bring it in... there ya go, an ethernet hug. 

 

Idk if anything I write can help but I'll give it a goooo... you know the sitch with BF and I, LDR an all... 
I felt SO depressed last Sunday and thought all of those things you mentioned... have I wasted my time? Will I just remain alone? WHAT AM I DOING? Waiting, waiting (he's awfully depressed). Wash rinse repeat... 

 

Then a sombre, yet sobering, thought permeated my being, (this is me talking to myself lol)... "you're ageing, you're only ever going to age, like every other person on this planet, THIS RIGHT NOW could be as good as it gets, so seize the day!"

Just like magic I flipped that d feeling and got mentally active, and stayed that way all week... then sorted some shyte I procrastinated over. 

 

I set some funky goals. Just got things moving. Spent time with my chickens lol. Get some chickens! They're so adorable :-)) and their eggs are next level. 

 

The planet needs people like you rx, just sayin'. 

 

On behalf of your d, I thank you for being a GREAT FATHER! 

 

Love EM