Whats the point

[Jamiroquai]

So ill start off by saying I'm 20 and male.

I've never been any good at expressing my feelings if feels wrong and really uncomfortable. And when I do share it with someone I end up pushing them away I can't really explain it. I just don't like people around me knowing my most inner thoughts. I hate my life I don't do anything interesting like at all I don't drink don't smoke nor have I ever had any drugs. I have no friends after I drove the friend group at school to ignore me because I was a bully I didn't even realise I was and no matter how much I apologised and tried to change it was never the same. So I left school only 9 months before I would have finished to make it easier for everyone. I ended up at a chef apprenticeship and hated it ended up taking up gambling which I still can't stop but anyway. Left that job because of a toxic work environment to another higher paying job and it was definitely better for a while but I just ended back up at this pit I feel stuck in. All I do is think about how many mistakes I've made and what would happen if I'd just been nicer. But no matter how much I try to be happy my mind just fills my head constantly with the memories of me making mistakes, being cringy or just some other sad thing that'll bring down my mood. I drag myself to work everyday putting on a fake persona that's probably the only thing I'm good at. I can guarantee that not a single one of my workmates could even notice that I have these feelings. Which for some reason gives me comfort. But as soon as I hop back into my car at the end of the day this happy energetic loving person just fades away leaving me with this sad lump of body parts and pure regret. I spend all my time thinking about the past and trying to get away from my thoughts any way possible. What little money doesn't go to paying off debt or living is almost always gambled away I can't seem to get away from those stupid machines. I live at home with my parents my sister who is 2 years older has moved out is engaged and is well on her way to her dream job and has the biggest social circle I've ever seen and is living her best life. My mum loves me I know that but when after years I let her in and told her everything she balled and balled saying she'd failed me as a mother and soon went on antidepressants and has a alcohol problem as a result. I can't help but feel responsible all I've ever done is cause issues I don't really see a point to keep going anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Jemiroquai

We know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.

We are sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time right now, but we’re so pleased you have reached out to the supportive community.  It is in moments like these, we like to offer a friendly ear to listen to these troubles and discuss any options or assistance that may be appropriate.
 
In addition to posting in the forums, we also invite you to call or chat to one of our trained mental health professionals who will also be able to listen and offer care; it’s completely confidential and available 24/7.  So, if you need us, we are always here for you. If you feel you need to talk or honestly just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat, just click here.  If you are in need of immediate support, please click here; you may also wish to contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.


You might also like to check out the following resources which has some information on gambling:

Gambling Help Online


We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.


Regards

Sophie M

 

[Sea_Turtle]

Hey jamiroquai

Reading what you have said I can relate to some of your struggles.

I am 21 with very few friends, I don’t go out, I’ve never drunk, smoked or anything of the kind. You mention a fake persona, I know Personally that people struggle to understand when you try to explain that things are harder than what they see, that your actually not ok. For me acting ok is honestly easier. My mum now understands this but she never used to.
I also worry about my affect on others. It’s really hard.

I know this isn’t very constructive but I just wanted to let you know it gets better I can’t exactly say when but it does. 
Reaching out is harder than you imagine but worth it in the long run. 

best wishes  

[yggdrasil]

Hi Jamiroquai,

I have been at the place you are at many times and feel I really know where you are coming from.

I think it's fine to not like talking about your feelings, lots of people don't. Really the goal is for you to understand the things causing your distress, and develop strategies that work for you to change them. Talking can be a means to this ends, but isn't the only means.

Also, I truly believe it's possible to slowly chip away at this mountain of regret, and negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. It won't happen overnight, and will be a two steps forward, one step back sort of process, but it can be done.

When you're in that pit of despair, your brain keeps spitting out these intense, overwhelmingly negative thoughts. They all seem indisputable. But reality is always far, far messier and more complex than these powerful but simple negative thoughts would have you believe.

For example, you describe feeling responsible for your Mum's distress after you shared your difficulties with her. Note that plenty of parents counsel their children through far worse difficulties than what you shared with your Mum, without the parent having a mental breakdown. There are clearly other things going on with your Mum as well, and you cannot be responsible for your Mum's distress just from sharing difficulties with her.

Thoughts like "I drove my friends away" or "I've upset my Mum" can snowball into the more all encompassing and dangerous, but clearly false, thoughts like "all I've ever done is cause issues". I think this is when things can really go off the rails. Your brain starts feeding you this message day in day out, a message that is certainly objectively false, but nevertheless saps all your energy and spirit, and starts to "feel" true.

You might like to try reading about CBT or Schema Therapy online, which are very mainstream psych approaches to these things. Schema Therapy in particular was very helpful for me. There are other approaches and ideas out there too if these don't sit right.

There is heaps more I want to say but am out of words. Just briefly, I too quit high school early, but eventually went back to finish year 12, and there are also other paths via TAFE to get you where you want to go. My thoughts will be with you over the week. Keep going,

yggdrasil

[Sophie_M]

Dear Jemiroquai

We know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey as also for you too.

We are sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time right now, but we’re so pleased you have reached out to the supportive community.  It is in moments like these, we like to offer a friendly ear to listen to these troubles and discuss any options or assistance that may be appropriate.
 
In addition to posting in the forums, we also invite you to call or chat to one of our trained mental health professionals who will also be able to listen and offer care; it’s completely confidential and available 24/7.  So, if you need us, we are always here for you. If you feel you need to talk or honestly just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat, just click here.  If you are in need of immediate support, please click here; you may also wish to contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.


You might also like to check out the following resources which has some information on gambling:

Gambling Help Online


We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.


Regards

Sophie M

 

[Banksy92]

Hi Jamiroquai,

Your story really touched me, I feel for you and can relate to many of the feelings you shared about yourself. The spiraling thoughts of what could have been, regret for our past behaviour and being self-critical. It's a painful space to be in your mind - but there are ways to manage it and reduce it.

Here are two very powerful statements I have learned through my mental health journey over the past few years: 

1. You are not your thoughts, you are simply witnessing them.

This basically means that our thoughts are not facts, and they are not who we are. The brain develops all sorts of thinking patterns and certain thoughts will strengthen in our mind if we give them our attention. It's easy to then believe they are true when they keep coming back. But if you practice taking the position of the 'witness', reminding yourself that you are not your thoughts, they are simply another voice you can choose to bat away it can help reduce them.

For me, I named the voice in my head someone else (Barbara) which helped me to detach from my thoughts. Whenever Barbara pops up and tries to start a negative narrative about myself and my life, I tell her she is not welcome and to go away. 

2. You were doing the best with what you had at the time.

This refers to when we cringe or lament over past mistakes in our life. In retrospect it's easy to look back and see how we could have been better people, that's what maturity and life lessons provides us with. But our younger selves didn't have that level of insight. They were dealing with the cards they had been given at the time and usually our behaviour is simply a reflection of what's going on for us at the time. For me, I made some terrible choices as a young person I regret. But I now can see that given the trauma and lack of support I had growing up, it's no wonder. 

I hope something in here is helpful. Let us know how you're going when you can.