This is how I feel

[TheKingOfHearts]

Rather than continue to make multiple posts I will just say how I feel with everything not just one area in this post.

Because I need to talk to someone.

I suffer from extreme low self esteem and self hated.

I hate how I look in fact I despite myself I feel I am disgusting.

My body to me is too large, too hairy and too disjointed.

I suffer from skin conditions from not showering due to being extremely depressed.

I wish I could be masculine and muscular and hairless.

Instead I’m the opposite.

And because of my medications I am unable to lose weight.

I also suffer from hunger which causes me to eat lots and dry mouth which causes me to drink lots of Coca Cola both from the meds.

So that’s my body image if I could make a deal with someone to be healthy and handsome I would.

Next thing I want to talk about is my fear of ending up homeless.

I have trouble saving money and I spend lots without thinking and I spend it on things I don’t want.

I struggle to pay my bills because of this.

It might be me trying to make myself feel better.

So I have very little money I’m actually on the pension I do live with my mother but I do pay rent and buy my own food and clothes etc and I get a lot of monetary help from her but when she’s gone I will probably due to having no family or friends end up on the streets.

I see myself ending up unable to pay for my meds and wandering the streets hungry and in a daze.

The next thing I want to talk about is the fact that I feel I have some kind of personality disorder.

I have blunted emotions and I don’t have much of an identity.

I don’t have any idea of who I am other than the fact that I’m gay.

And I don’t know what I want other than the fact that I want to be a nurse and what I want my body to look like.

Besides that I have no opnions.

Maybe it’s due to being 23 but I think it’s due to having had no real experiences for my whole life.

The next thing I want to talk about is my sexuality.

I suffer from pretty much every sexual health issue you can imagine and I suffer a ton from this.

Because of this I haven’t been able to form a relationship but if I could actually have anything it would be to have love even more than wanting to have my dream body and to be healthy.

I actually got involved with witches once to try to get a relationship.

Of course that didn’t work out.

I used to cry my eyes out like full on sobbing because of the loneliness I feel and I am still lonely.

But I’ve realised I’m not meant to experience love so I let it go.

And that’s me in a nutshell.

[lmnop]

I’m sorry that you feel like this.  It’s something that runs away from you once it starts. The only way to start to fix this is to set little challenges for yourself and to give yourself small wins. Little pots of success.  Achieving even a small goal can be really rewarding. It could be a small one like “I’ll make my bed every day this week” write it down because the written word has power.  Then at the end of the week, if you have chives it - celebrate. Allow yourself an indulgence. Then set another goal, shower every day. Then another - eat something healthy every day for a week, keep winning! Feel good! Push yourself. 

[therising]

Hi TheKingOfHearts

You sound so incredibly frustrated which is completely understandable. Sounds like you just can't catch a break. That's a lot of challenges to be facing at once. I've found it can feel so impossible to begin making significant changes (within certain challenges) when depression's a factor and low self esteem on top of that. 

Could I suggest possibly the easiest thing to do at this stage is speak to your GP about having a sleep study done, for sleep apnea. Not sure if you've already done this and are being treated for sleep apnea but if not, it could be the first port of call when it comes to ticking achievements off your list in the way of starting to feel better. Some of the side effects of sleep apnea: Weight gain, serious lack of energy, lack of motivation, depression, brain fog, excessive hunger especially for sugary things or junk food with little nutritional value, intense caffeine cravings (could explain the intense craving for Coke) and the list goes on. Btw, I was told the body craves energy in such forms because it's not getting the energy it needs from sleep. Each of these side effects creates an individual challenge all of its own, so to be treated for SA means the challenges are more easily addressed and managed: Achieving weight loss, achieving more energy, achieving a better diet that's easier to adopt when you've got more energy and motivation etc. Getting your GP to run some blood tests couldn't hurt either, to make sure there are no other underlying conditions contributing to the depression and serious lack of energy. With the blood tests, couldn't hurt for them to test hormone levels too. High level of testosterone could help explain the hair issue you struggle with.

As a 53yo gal, I've experienced a variety of reasons for depression over the years. There have been purely physical reasons including chemical ones that relate to sleep apnea, B12 deficiency, medication etc. There have been mental reasons, including low self esteem, depressing belief systems, depressing inner dialogue etc. Then there have been soulful or soul destroying reasons, including a depressing lack of inspiration and guidance, a depressing lack of direction and a depressing lost sense of self. While it can be easy for medical experts to say 'You show all the signs of depression, therefor you have depression', an excellent medical expert will say 'Let's get to the bottom of all the possible reason for the depression you're in'. Can take a fair amount of detective work at times. What you're facing could be a combo of physical, mental and soulful all rolled into one.

Something else I've found, based on my own experience, is when some of the multiple issues behind depression are addressed and resolved, my perspective begins to naturally change and I can begin to see things in a different light. Being able to explore your sexuality from a different and much clearer perspective may make a difference when it comes to developing your self esteem and identifying the way forward. Can be so unbelievably hard to see the way forward in the dark (the darkness of depression). When I get this way, I always look for a guide, someone to light and lead the way. Can you see yourself getting a sleep study done, just for a start? ❤️

[TheKingOfHearts]

Hi thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and detailed reply I appreciate it.

I have been asked to do a sleep study done and I have thought about it but something I totally forgot to mention in my post is that I have schizophrenia so I do believe that’s where my lack of anything comes from.

I also have autism.

And I can sleep for days and still have lack of motivation.

its just crazy the way my life is right now the way it’s kind of always been.

It seems that it’s impossible for me to improve.

Also I have had a hormone test done for my sexual health and they tested testosterone and it all came back normal.

Thanks for giving me suggestions though and yeah my doctors kind of one of those you have this here’s a pill but I don’t really have any other options in my town. 

The other ones here have all been way worse than her.

[therising]

Hi TheKingOfHearts

I've heard meds for schizophrenia can be incredibly challenging regarding side effects, with a lack of motivation, sedative effects and loss of creativity being just a few. It's just so unfair that no pharma companies have come up with anything better than what's on offer. While some meds for a variety of mental challenges can be very effective, it does seem to be more miss than hit, when it comes to finding what works. I found this to be the case with antidepressants. Far more misses than hits.

As a gal who's so easily triggered to wonder, yesterday I was led to wonder what types of people are more prone to schizophrenia. Well, that was quite the rabbit hole indeed. 'Creative and imaginative people' seems to be the common thing. Then I discovered creative and imaginative people are more inclined to struggle with a variety of mental health conditions. Of course, research states just because someone's creative or highly imaginative this doesn't mean they're destined to struggle with a mental health condition. It just seems to be a common thread amongst those who do struggle. I suppose it begs the question 'How does a creative and imaginative mind really work and what can be some of the most severe or disabling side effects when it comes to such a mind?'. In other words, what happens when things go wrong and how can things go wrong when different parts of the brain interact with each other in severe and debilitating ways?

ASD can be tough in itself. With my 18yo son being diagnosed with level 1 autism just last year, he struggles with such a nature in a variety of ways. Being his mother, I do sound biased but the truth is he's a highly creative person with a mind blowing imagination. While some of his abilities truly astound me, those same abilities can also lead him to experience significant issues in his life. He struggled terribly with VCE last year and didn't get anywhere near the ATAR he needed, to get into marine biology at uni. Since the age of 4, he's wanted to study marine biology. As he develops ways of managing his nature, in order to improve his focus and learning ability, he's researching a variety of pathways to getting into uni probably the year after next (once he's mastered some of his challenges). The reason for the autism assessment was based on him wanting to know why he struggles in a variety of ways.

I think people with the most brilliant of minds can struggle the most at times, partly because a brilliant mind can be such an open one. Not everything that enters and open mind is welcome or easily managed. For some, a creative highly imaginative and open mind can become a form of torture when things go intensely wrong.