Still grieving six years later?
Hello all, I hope you are doing okay. Right.. here we go.
In roughly 2011 I resigned (technically quit) my job of almost 10 years and I was living with my parents. During this time my mother got diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and later, a blood disease. My father who owned his own business found it helpful that I was there with her during the day while he was at work as she declined rather quickly. Before I could decide what to do about getting another job, my father got diagnosed with cancer. I became an at-home carer for the next six years until they passed away a month from each other six years ago.
I have a sibling who has lived overseas for many years now and who was not there for 99% of that time that I was there helping them and trying to find a way to stay in control of my own life as depression was already starting to become a part of my life. My sibling came down at the tail end (just after our mother passed away) and as my father was in his last weeks. We hadn't gotten to process my mother's passing by the time we were told by the doctors that my father was in his last days. So when my father passed away I felt completely lost at the time and although my sibling had a life to get back to, I had nothing. I had no choice but to let the feelings wash over me and to face it all head-on which led me to eventually see my GP where I did an assessment and she said it seemed like generalised anxiety disorder and depression. I didn't have the money for therapy so we did the ten free government sessions. I did two of those which weren't all that helpful being that they are too short to even begin to benefit from the therapy. I ended up doing a third session after realising I wasn't getting better and I went straight to my GP to discuss it.
It's been six years and it feels like everybody wants me to be healed and fully moved on with my life but it's not that easy. I have tried to do a lot of inner work on myself but people seem to be more interested in the material things like why I still don't have a job (I have an income that allows me to pay rent and food) but people don't understand how hard this has been for me including my sibling who has in all honesty, been rather detached from the whole situation being in another country. I feel pressure to be better than I am but the truth is I am still depressed and I have good days and bad days. I'm tired of putting the happy face on when sometimes I don't feel that happy.
Part three if you want to feel love, be loving, if you want joy, do joyful things, if you want friends, be a friend, if you want to work, volunteer first, if you want to be treated well, treat others.
god will reward you for your karmic debt. It’s time to turn the scales. Snd my biggest tip, practice gratitude.:: your situation is something someone else would dream of having.
it’s possible to recover, eventually when you get stronger it doesn’t pull you anymore. Always lean towards your feelings. Learn to accept them, take responsibility.
We can’t be a victim forever.
it takes massive action to change. I’ve given you examples of how to change your thoughts.
how we talk and the words we use also change how we feel. That’s the trick, become a super positive person regardless of how you feel currently. Believe me love is free and can be practiced even when you feel like ending your life.
be somebody else’s rainbow in there cloud. Your special.
and loved. You don’t need anyone. You have everything you need within you. It’s about unlocking your power
And yes this messsge is written from love. I currently have a compressed nerve, I can’t work or sit or stand for long. I have to get surgery. The last 11 years I was at home with social anxiety and depression unemployed
out of the last three years I was recovering, my mum didn’t let me work for 1.5 years because she feared covid . And now I have this back challenge.
can you imagine what it’s like waiting a decade to put my life back together and I’m facing this. And guess what, I’m happy as, I’m depressed, joyous, loving, cheerful, sad, lonely, haven’t had sex in years.
thsts ok, my time will come and so will yours, and one day I’ll make millions so I can give it away and go around the world funding charity work. One day I’ll be a speaker a entrepreneur, a dating coach, a life coach, and a encourager.
i never knew I would get better them 8 years, I was suicidal and had severe social anxiety. But eventually
we heal. So keep going friend. Depression is just a story, it’s not who you are. It’s what’s happened to you. But that’s not who you are
you are gods child, god is a spirit. They resides in our hearts: so run towards your feelings, depression wants you to feel and own the pain and work on a solution to change the pain
Thank you WhiteKnight and StevenK, I read them all.
WhiteKnight as always, thank you for your insight and resources. I have taken a look at the good samaritan so thank you. 🙂
I agree with a lot of what has been said and StevenK, I am a spiritual person and I do meditation and I talk to my spirit guides, the universe my ancestors and so on and I try to connect as best I can with my higher self. It's like I know there's a light inside of me but it's like every time it tries to come out, it gets overshadowed by myself and others. Either by me being too sensitive to criticism and people's opinions and generally what others think and then my by own self-deprecating and living in fear and doubt. Focusing too much on all that has happened in the past and not enough on the now and being too afraid of the future.
I want to be an influencer, I want my moment to shine.. I want to spread happiness and love and I know it's all there down deep inside somewhere.. but it's like a light that flickers it's never fully on and eventually, my depression shows its ugly face and the anxiety comes crashing in like a wave upon the shore and the light goes out completely and I'm lost and void of any light in the dark. That is until morning comes and somehow I have lived through another day.. the sun shines not only lighting up my face but I feel its warming glow.. but all too soon the clouds come to cover it and there I am once again.. in the darkness.
If the little light inside me...that little part of my heart and soul were to be fully out in the open I would be the sort of person who dresses crazy with vibrant colours just because why not? I would sing in the streets and hand out flowers to people and try to get people to laugh and smile.. I would spread happiness like butter to toast. But then I tell myself that's just a dream and I'm trapped in a dark box like a jack in the box with no way out.
I forgot to add something that made me think. Does anybody watch got talent? I was watching Britain's got talent and there was a lady who came on to sing never enough (ironically) from the movie "The Greatest Showman" and she stood on stage and told her story which was that she was the one who actually sang the song on the movie only she did it in the background and the actor doing the song for the film was lipsyncing it. Simon Cowell asked her why nothing happened to her after the success of the movie and song and she said that she was only comfortable at the time being in the background, but now she is ready to put a face to the name and show herself to the world. I watch people like this and think "wow if only I could do that".. You know?
A lot of people who know me either think I have done nothing with my life or that I don't know what I want (which well really, there's a lot of things I want to do I just don't have the confidence). I wanted to be a chef but something happened that caused me to give up on that dream then I went to front of house which I loved and wanted to start a hospitality business but I kept telling myself its too hard, I don't have the money it's a silly dream. I gave up on this too. Over the years I have written a few lyrics (I would say songs but I am not good at putting music to my lyrics) and I would show them to people and they would say it doesn't have the right structure or what am I trying to say? So I would put them away in a folder and forget about them. I decided I would start a new business idea of helping businesses motivate their staff.. I worked hard on the beginnings of a website and the techniques I thought were what businesses needed.. I asked a friend at the time if she wanted to help me and initially she said yes so we went through the motions until she decided she didn't want to do it so I stopped and let it all go because I didn't believe I could do it myself even though it was my idea. I wrote a kids book (two - the idea was for it to be a series) and it's just sitting here on my laptop going to waste because a) I don't have the money for the publishers and I feel its too difficult to self publish when I need to get illustrators and so on and I don't really have the money for that either.
There's so much I have wanted to do but I let others squash my dreams or even if they weren't trying to, I take to heart their constructive criticism or I just tell myself I'm not good enough.