I am tired of the world being too offended to disagree with anything, wither it's controversial or just anything at all.
I am tired of a life where others believe they can be the better intelligence, impose their identities on me, make me feel wrong for being authentic and different and discriminate me by saying in a non positive way that I'm unique. Tired of always feeling that it's up to the next person wither they want to know me, when it's a mutual rejection but to them it's a bias decision.
I am tired of being beneath a wrong psychiatric diagnosis that only hinders my credibility with my views, because they think that 10 years of their education makes them believe that they know my rare personality, brain or motives for my past choices. What makes me more pissed off is that the next person in society only perceives me as indenyl and sides with the doctors against me.
I am tired of the conformity of secularism & atheism outside U.S.A. & Jerusalem, especially from the Australian's and the Europeans to normalise being demonized for any conservative beliefs. When everyday I experience mysterious spiritual awareness reflecting through me. Tired of being told my experiences are psychotic when I know the difference to differentiate between them. Especially when the people invalidating my beliefs don't hold religious beliefs themselves and are in a far modern age of thinking.
Just sick of being stuck with one subjective national sociology when there's so many cultures and nationalities with different personality and everything and I'm told to be strange because I am not entirely the limitations of their way.
I feel my esteem is defined now that I am 28, it wasn't just having my Dad's toxic differences, my diabetic diagnosis at 22 and my mental health disagreement since 19 for the past 9 years. It's never having any direction and not wanting any University or apprenticeships and not wanting to work a retail job or work in a factory either.
I find knowing that I only could have my driving independence because of receiving Centrelink bothers me, because it makes me feel that I had to be tarnished, wrongly diagnosed & treated just to have the basics to drive like anyone else
I've found that when perspective is shifted to the degree where it becomes mind altering and life changing in significant ways, self-esteem can naturally shift as a side effect.
There are times where people can say to me 'You're perspective is depressing, no wonder you feel the way you do'. This attitude used to depress me even further, leading me to feel like I was 'broken' in some way. I eventually discovered a great self esteem booster as a response is 'I challenge you to shift it (my perspective)'. Then I see if anyone's up for the challenge. A lot of the time, people are inclined to sit back and wait for my outlook to change. Not always but often. Waiting does no one any favours, that's for sure. Sometimes it's even a dare, 'I dare you to try and change my perspective. C'mon, open my mind, I dare you. Let's see how good you are'. I think this attitude came from a number of years of hoping my perspective would change during periods in depression. One day, I simply woke up to the fact I was working so hard to raise a lot of people in my life (in the way of perspective, feelings etc) but not a lot of people were putting the same kind of work in when it came to raising me. I thought 'Gee, things are a little out of balance here'. Gradually 'waking up' in life, bit by bit, can be an interesting process. Can also be a depressing process too, especially the lead up to the mind altering revelation that creates some new sense of freedom. Not a fan of the lead up. Through a revelation, my belief changed from 'It's my responsibility to change the way I think' to 'It is not only my responsibility to change the way I think'. Doesn't seem fair that some people have to literally pay for a change in perspective, such as with seeing a psychologist.
I think if anyone was to say to you 'Sounds like you don't want to do anything', in the way of study and career, my response to that would be 'That's not true. I simply know what I don't want to do, in the process of eventually working out what I want to do. I challenge you to work out what it is that's going to suit me perfectly'. Then, if that person leads you to consider 5 possibilities and you say 'No, just not feeling it' to all 5, they may then say 'See, I try to help but it makes no difference'. You know, the type who give up too easily. Let's push it with 'I'm not looking for simply five suggestions, I want one hundred suggestions. Can you think of one hundred different possibilities?'. I've found that confidently being more challenging can act as a natural self esteem booster. While I'm in a state of consciousness known as depression (being conscious of everything that's depressing), it can be hard for me to shift myself out of that state. Sometimes I need others to help create the shift. As social creatures, I believe this is one of the ways we're designed to tick, we're designed to shift others into a different way of seeing and feeling things and their role is to do the same for us.
Thanks for your response therising, I am going to change my perspective and see that there's so many worse things then pre diabetes, some people are cancer survivors or have one leg and arm or other things. Thanks for changing my thinking.
As far as studying I generally don't have a motivated personality to care about it, I'd rather just work any suitable jobs.
I think what's always affected my self esteem is the feeling of many being pretentious and entitled whilst not caring about my problems. Knowing that certain types of masculinity want to lower your worth based on virginity or being financially troubled, or the feeling that people can't agree to disagree anymore. They take everything personally and become greatly offended snowflakes, I've had times where people act hypocritical to me and when you have felt invalidated with your feelings or opinions. Tired of the world thinking you have to meet their approval, Everyone's unique and interprets existence differently, but then were always made to feel different rather then accepted. I'm tired of a world repressing anyone whose conservative or religious too, tired of people thinking their bias is right. How many times does a crazy person try to make a sane person feel crazy. Always feels like people are hurdles rather then supportive and loving. Since believing the world is superficial I have adopted the mentality that I only want money and less company.
I often want to die, I don't define myself as having low self esteem, I just view the world as degenerate, bias, vain and not too friendly, after being bullied all during high school until my early twenties it's ruined my social, emotional and psychological confidence. I'm always worried to run into anyone from the high school I hated. I also find the average person too pretentious & confident, many people give you un wanted opinions and they repress anyone whose conservative. I don't like my generation politically and their mainstream creatives aren't my taste. I don't have any direction for which jobs I want to do, and I'm 28 turning 29 fairly soon without any real experience, education or net work. I don't feel anyone has truthfully believed in me to the point of encouraging dreams or even as simple as believing in my driving abilities. I've always been the person to become socially mute and offended if someone isn't warm towards me or if they treat me like crap, I just can't handle confrontation & conflicts.
My first wife was a narcissist but, give her, her due, she told me one thing that was spot on.
"Tony, when you one day watch a been collecting honey and you fully appreciate it, an example of the beauty of life, then you'll appreciate how wonderful life is".
Soon after we split up and for exercise I'd walk around the block. As an expansion to that walk I'd try to turn it into a positive experience rather than a negative one. Soon I was offering to help an old lady carry inside her groceries, talk to an old man that had mower issues and advise him, pick a rose for my new girlfriend and so forth. That was 40 years ago, now I still treat all experiences in a positive way or at least potentially positive.
My social connections are fewer now, the math is easy- less people in my life be better quality they will be by wise selection. Those bullies that bullied me prior to joining the Air Force at 17yo were like your bullies except- I refused to allow them to ruin my life, sure I worried about giving them that pleasure. Besides, bullying, no matter how bad unacceptable but common, almost normal, if they ruined my life then it becomes more my fault in letting them succeed.
That's my secret to moving on.
Way back in 1987 I had 12 months of therapy. I had a workplace incident that caused me psychological harm.
Of the many things he taught me in regards to my perceptions were-
- Tony, there is 8 billion grey people in the world... why are you so black and white"?
- "One of the most torturous things you can do to yourself is worry about what is not in your control to change"
- "Only seek the approval of one person and that isnt everyone else"
- "to build your own self esteem start with your own bricks"
So, in that workplace incident I issued traffic fines to what later I found was a politician. I was told "Dont issue fines to him again. I argued as unemployed and pensioners had to pay their fines but not a politician? I got so angry/upset I had pains in my chest and had to get treatment. I demanded an inquiry and as is common in the world I was made the scapegoat and sacked!
What I needed to learn is that the grey areas people have depends on the individual. It was not realisitic to assume that everyone was as righteous as me. So, following therapy I came to the conclusion that if my boss wanted to turn a blind eye to permit corruption then allow him to take control of that area of where the offence took place and he can dodge the political fallout. So, accepting people are selfish, immature, bullies, manipulative, violent and so on is to allow those bad attitudes to flood your thoughts rather than seeking out those that are loving, caring, empathetic, kind and so on. Life is a see-saw, balance it and not focus on the evil mor it will play games with your mind.
It's more I lack esteem turning 29 in just 5 months and I've never had a payed job, I don't particularly want anything that I don't feel passionate or interested in. I love my hobby's and I don't want to be existing in a job that I hate or loath, but then that makes me seem spoiled or pretentious. I also don't have that cliché University personality or wanting any apprenticeships. I also feel upset that I lead myself to being wrongly diagnosed with Schizophrenia and the doctors believe their experts and are disagreeing with me now. I've finally accepted not everyone is the mean type of my high school bullies, or as one sided so I'm trying to put the past behind me. I also feel like I'm failing my masculinity because I haven't had women. If I never became wrongly diagnosed I wouldn't have the money to drive, without women it adds to feeling at zero.
hello and welcome.
I am saddened by what happened to you in your early years at school and the effect it has had. I hope you don't mind my asking and curiosity has gotten the better of me.... can you tell me a little about your dreams? And the jobs you wanted to do? Listening to you tell your story.