Scared about the near future. How do I cope?

[koi_pond]

Trigger warning - unaliving thoughts

I recently graduated university and struggled hard to cope on my own getting through it on top of disabilities. But I made it, albeit I'm in massive HECS debt and I can't cope with the thought of it all. I wanted so badly to recover from my burn out, but a cancer diagnosis upon graduation, I was advised to put off work applications. Now that I've had surgery and am struggling with health complications one after another, I feel so alone and fight to get through most days. Some days I have to choose between chores, a medical appointment or taking a shower and making dinner. I'm never not in pain and exhausted.

I'm taking each day a step at a time and trying extremely hard not to catastrophise the near future. I want so badly to support myself and get ahead but for every step forward I'm knocked back 5. I don't have family to rely on and with the cost of living crisis and no where to go if I'm struggling. I'm scared. I've had a long history of trauma and struggles in life but I've always made it through some how. But now it's all adding up and effecting my body in so many ways. I've contemplated ending my life. But I'm going to do my best not to give into those thoughts. I'm doing my best all the time and it scares me how close I am some days, with all the pain, all the time. The pain killers and nerve blocker only does so much for so long. I'm scared. 

I'm thinking to volunteer soon to help try building up my skills whilst applying for jobs. I'm trying extremely hard to be a productive member of society, it's always been my goal to learn as much as I possibly can in order to help others. I feel so frustrated and angry at my body that I can't do more. Every time I push just too far I end up in hospital and I don't want that. So many other people need that medical attention and I'm sick of being a burden!  Every time I try my best to focus on recovery all my brain does is send me down an anxiety spiral of both shame and fear. 

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

 

[Sophie_M]

Hi koi_pond,  

Thank you for your openness and bravery in sharing here and congratulations on graduating univeristy, it is no small feat especially with medical concerns and you have done an amazing job. We're sorry to hear you have been going through such a difficult time, it's common upon finishing university to have fears of the future but we understand with other factors like health difficulties this can be compounded.

Dealing with chronic health issues can really take a toll, not just physically with the feelings of exhaustion and pain but also mentally, it can be frustrating when we can't participate the way we want to and it can lead us to feel trapped and alone. We want to assure you that you are not a 'burden', you have overcome some incredible struggles but sometimes our inner critic gets the best of us and we start making comparisons. You are not alone in these feelings, please know we are always here to listen.

If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.   It sounds like it would be a really good time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).    You mentioned you’ve come through a time of struggling in the past. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today? Was it a good counsellor or mental health professional? Or was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative? We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind.  We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   

Kind regards,   

Sophie M 

[james1]

Hello koi_pond,

Gosh, you sound like you've had the worst experience with your health and want to do so much more than you've been able to. I can hear the frustration in your post and I hope we can find a way to help support you as you try to find what the long term experience will be. I hope it doesn't sound patronising but I think you are working really hard considering the circumstances, and aren't a burden even if it feels that way some times.

It might feel disheartening, but I feel like you are actually doing as much as you can to recover and build up your skills for the future. It's really amazing that you're still thinking about this amidst the health challenges you've had. Perhaps we can find ways to help support you along that, so you don't go down an anxiety spiral because it seems you're actually doing all the right things.

I hope you are having a restful long weekend. Let us know how you are doing, when you feel up to it.

James