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Shifte
Community Member

Coming up to my 30th birthday, I fell more alone and confused than ever. I have no direction in life let alone motivation, I dont know really where to start to try and explain why i am the way i am now. from sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, drug use, abandonment, bad paranoia. I hate having no money yet when i get money i cant keep it. I cant keep a job because i think everyone hates me or is talking about me or i cant get out of bed. i cant be happy because it feels unnatural to be happy. 2009 i moved from Melbourne to Sydney to get away from a toxic relationship i was in. i tried to harm myself and was in and out of hospital for that whole year. large doses of mood stabilisers and antidepressants...i was a walking zombie. Diagnosed with bipolar then schizoaffectve disorder. then borderline personality disorder. wtf is wrong with me? i hate people i hate life i hate i hate i hate i hate. And i hate that i hate. I know i have a good heart but feel everything and everyone is against me. I got off my anti depressants 4 months ago to try and snap out of this no motivation no sex drive and no creativity. Well now i feel back to square one and have no clue what to do.

Honestly i just put this out here to see what responses i get and how people think i should go about my problems.

 

Thanks Adam.

8 Replies 8

Damien
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Adam,

I actually don't want to give you advice; well actually I would if I could but I don't know what to say so I'll not say anything.

What I want to say is thanks for sharing your story, and hopefully the next post will contain something useful for you to use.  I just want to say hello, to encourage you to keep searching, and to commend you on hating that you hate, that's kinda positive in that you're looking for something better.  Despite my own mental imbalances and unbalances I have a very strong sense of hope and I believe, on no evidence whatsoever, (so that makes it "faith" I suppose), that anyone who looks for the positive will find it.

So, blah blah, see your GP, join a footy team, go to church, lay off the piss, blah blah good advice blah.

But good on ya for sharing, and searching.  Thank you for trusting us all with your story.

Bless.

S_A_D_
Community Member

Very few people who are not in prison, and even fewer that have never been in prison, can honestly say they fully and completely understand how you feel. 

I DO!!

This thing you're describing is called rage. Rage occurs when a person feels angry, but in attempting to express that anger in the past, we get told to calm down, take a chill pill. If this suppression of emotional expression is repeated enough it becomes reinforced and habituated. People tell us that being calm, cool and collected is good and healthy. We are told to keep the peace, not to become a disturbance. 

Psychologically speaking, the suppression of anger is the #1 worst advice a person can give, because it doesn't go away. It builds up and festers and turns into a beast called rage. People with rage are a menace to society. We usually have a long fuse, so we can tolerate more than most, but if pushed beyond our limits we explode and do things that attract the attention of the justice system.

Consider watching the film "Me, Myself and Irene" to see what I'm talking about.

The best thing you can do right now is to keep typing on here. If you can, go to group therapy sessions, but whatever happens PLEASE KEEP TYPING.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Adam, you know once I can the face of someone that's great, but then it got me thinking, that it becomes more emotional when you know who you are talking to.

It's also difficult to believe that you or anyone else, and that includes myself, that it  seems impossible for you to have depression, but we do, and it's an illness that destroys us, and it has hacked away at me for a long time, as it has for many other people.

All of these abuses horrifies me, because I never had to go through any of this torture, but I can only imagine the horror of it all, being taking advantage of just to gratify their own needs and not even caring for you and what it has done to you.

It's no wonder you feel lost with all of these diagnostic assessments, it's like eenie meenie miney mo, well, 'let's say that Adam has this one' says a goof head at hospital, and then next hospitalisation 'eenie --------------mo', then some other goof says 'no it's certainly this------'.

Your journey has been a long and difficult one, which has destroyed any confidence that maybe you once had.

I applaud you for moving away from the toxic environment, and to endeavour a new beginning, however, it's not working at the moment.

I understand that your thoughts about stopping the antidepressants, so can we just push all the other issues aside for the moment, I know they are there, but I am wondering how you are feeling with not taking them, that is is depression still hovering around.

Can we just start off by taking one bit at a time, only if that's what suits you.

Look forward to a reply from you. Geoff.

Shifte
Community Member

Thanks for all your replies. Has made me feel better just by reading that there are some people that understand how i am feeling, @ jeff  yes mate the depression is still around. Worse or better i don't know as i have been on those tablets for so long i don't know if i am feeling normal happy or anything. I think my sadness becomes my rage...why im moody why im always angry is because im not happy so something in me tends to turn sadness in to anger. Don't know if its a male thing or what.

@ Facetious. I think that may be a very good idea to try the group sessions out do you have any  ones in mind? Maybe anger management ?

Thanks again guys Adam.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Adam, no doubt the anger comes from always being unhappy, and with this your continual sadness jumps on board, so it's a three way collision, any one will trigger the others.

Google this 'ways to make you happier', and it also shows you what not to do, also check out 'The Men's Shed', where it can be a group or a one on one basis.

I know that you may not be ready for a group session, but if you decide to join The Men's Shed you could just say that you are not comfortable being in a group and would prefer talking to just one person, they will understand this, and take it on board.

Anger management should be the last option, that's what I think, others may disagree.

What I am trying to get you to do is by overcoming all of this progressively, and re-train your mind slowly, because don't forget you still have depression and this will affect your mood. Geoff.

S_A_D_
Community Member

Hello again Adam, 

Thanks for coming back. Too many people post a question,  get a bunch of replies,  and are never heard from again. Each time I feel like someone who could've been a friend disappears out of my life.  This has happened so many times, on Facebook,  school,  work, volunteering,  etc, and each time it makes me sad that I have yet again been rejected as unworthy of being associated with them. They have standards, and the idea of being around someone with mental illness, or even communicating privately with me, feels like an embarrassment.  I know this because it has been spoken to my face on a couple of occasions. you can bet I got angry, but what did I do? I was taught to keep the peace, so I held my tongue, bottled it up. This was repeated, under much less explicit expressions and more insinuations, implications and analogies, more than a few thousand times over a 25 year period that continues today. The worst perpetrator is my father, but I continue to hold my tongue.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR RAGE

Psychological sciences have shown that men are more prone to anger. This is part of a survival mechanism from hunter gatherer times. In a society where anger is discouraged and suppressed, anger turns to rage unless there is a reliable method for safely releasing anger without hurting anyone. If there is a way to do this immediately at the time when something makes me angry, I haven't found it. Like a pressure valve being released, groups can be a medium to allow those feelings to come out under controlled conditions. Vigorous exercise is another.

I can't tell you which group to visit. Firstly, different companies have groups scattered around, some servicing specific states. Knowing your location still wouldn't help. An endorsement of a specific group may unfairly influence you. The Beyond Blue website has an incomplete list for you to consider. Anger management may or may not help. Also, each group is different. Where one anger management group is ineffective, another may be the best ever, and they might be run by the same company!

The important thing is to KEEP TYPING

Drone165
Community Member

Mate, your having it a bit rough all right.

I wouldn't presume to give you any direct advice, but rather would just want you to know that it can get better.  Sometimes you just need the patience to wait it out!

Seems as though you are getting treatment, and that is great, but please....

One of the worst things is to allow yourself to have unrealistic expectations.  There are some silly sayings that fit..

 

It wont happen overnight...but it will happen

 

if it was easy...everyone would do it

 

and "things come to those that work for the"

 

Lots of us have been where you are...maybe not the exact house, but in the same street or town..so hold on....strive to improve...and make a big deal out of your successes..and never mind the odd setback.

The_Real_David_Charles
Community Member

Dear Shifte,

Let's be practical.    If you achieved a move from Melbourne to Sydney to get away from an abusive relationship then maybe this same movitation can be used for taking in all the above advice and working out, over time, some kind of plan or whatever to help you.

Cos you are obviously capable of some change.  Good Luck.

Adios, David.

PS  Did you ever get ANY counselling for the sexual abuse ?